Title: The Path Paved with Thorns
Author: TC Amlin
Spoilers: Anything from the JAG world
Disclaimers: Don’t own JAG or any part of its world because if I did then shippers would love me. J Also I have no idea what Centers for Women's Health exist over there in merry old London so I made one up.
AN: I would like to say thanks to the VS gang for their support over the past several years. Without some of them I wouldn’t have made it a few years ago, and all of the help they have given me as a writer and friend. To all of my betas THANK YOU, you gals are great.
AN: My web site www.geocities.com/code_driver/TCFFHP.htm will remain up as long as I am around. I plan on redoing it someday and it will have all of my stories.
AN: next, to all of the friends that I have made over the years due to JAG, I say thank you too for your support, your humor and most of all your friendships. I sincerely hope that even though our once favorite show has faded off into the sunset that our bonds remain. And a small inside joke for the Texas JAG gang, the title has five words.
SIC EM BAYLOR BEARS
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
October 2006
London Street side café
She sat at the café over looking the street as people wandered on with their daily lives. She pondered if they wondered what the person next to them was thinking.
She knew Harm and Mattie would to start worry soon, but she needed some time to herself. The past year had been a whirlwind of emotions and changes that were finally coming to a head.
Sometimes she wondered where she would be had she stayed with the job in San Diego. Would she be a full bird by now? Would Vukovic survived as her subordinate? Would she be putting herself through all of this grief to have a child?
The full bird would have been a given after some time there, Vuko boy would have been in the brig, and she would be watching other women raise their families. She wouldn’t have had to suffer through the hell of feeling like a failure at trying to become a mother, instead just pondering if it could have happened till it was too late. No. Instead, she was torturing the man she loved with all of this nonsense about doing what ever she had to do.
Harm had been such a trooper through the past year, all of her mood swings and anger would have caused others to run away, but not Harm. He was the rock she needed more than anything else in the world.
Sighing and standing up, she peeled the Band-aide away from the spot where they’d drawn blood and wadded it up in her napkin. After paying her tab, she headed for the Tube, leaving her cell phone turned off. If there were any messages, especially one from the clinic saying that they were sorry again, she would let Harm get them.
She just wanted to be held and to start the newest chapter in her life, one that began with acceptance that her biggest dream would remain just that…a dream.
Opening Credits
~~~~~~~~
Commercial break
All new reality Show
The Real Dallas
Contestants will play the parts of the Ewing family and the last Ewing standing will win and Oil Well in east Texas
~~~~~~~
Mid September 2005
Rabb Residence
London England
Kensington District
Harm was trying to pull the keys out of his pocket while holding Mac. "Need some help Harm?" Mattie asked from behind them as Mac was starting to giggle into his shoulder. "Careful Mac, you get to laughing too much and he’ll drop you."
"Jeez you two, try to do something romantic and all you get is grief." Harm said as he found his keys to the flat he'd finally found for them. Another Captain whose wife had been injured in a car wreck, and paralyzed from the waist down had lived there before - making it perfect for Mattie. It was lucky that it opened up a few weeks before the wedding. After a lot of persuading, the manager let him have it even though there was another couple interested in it. "There we go," he added as he nudged the door open with his foot.
Mac shook her head; Harm was not into some traditions, but carrying her across the threshold was one he insisted on. He finally set her down on the wood floor and gave her a quick peck on the cheek that turned into a steamy kiss.
"Thank goodness. It was getting chilly out there Harm," Mattie said as she pushed on by them, "And do I need to make sure that I hit the walls when I'm out of my room? I mean I wouldn’t want to disturb newlyweds like you two."
Harm spun Mac around to face Mattie, "No, you will not need to bump down the halls when you're out of your room."
"Good."
"Because we're only going to let you roam the house from 7am to 8pm so we won’t gross you out the rest of the time."
Mac swatted Harm on the chest. "Be nice."
Harm rolled his eyes and headed back out the door to collect their bags off the walk, as Mac and Mattie went to check out their new home. After a quick walk through and a demonstration of all of the features that would benefit Mattie, Harm headed to the local deli to pick something up for dinner.
Mac watched as Mattie looked out the back door to the yard and asked, "What’s wrong?"
Mattie shrugged her shoulders. "Nothing."
"Wrong answer, try again and before Harm gets back."
Mac wasn’t sure Mattie was going to answer until she heard, "I was just wondering how long till you and Harm get tired of waiting on me. I mean you had to get a special flat just because of me and…"
"And this, Harm loves you very much, as do I. So get over this thing that we're going to tire of you and send you back. You're here to stay."
Mattie turned to face Mac, "Ya right. What's going to happen when you get your own kid and I'm just in the way? Huh? I mean I can just see you guys thinking that 'I hope she's out of that chair by the time the baby starts crawling so she doesn’t run over it'." She gnashed out, while remembering a near miss at Harriet and Buds. Luckily enough, the only thing hurt was a plastic car and some legos.
Mac looked away, trying to find that spot out back that Mattie had found earlier.
As the silence hung in the air, Mattie began to wonder if she was right, since Mac wasn’t answering her, till she saw the tears coming down Mac’s face. "Mac? Are you alright?"
Mac wiped the tears away and faced the young insecure girl. It wasn’t something that they had discussed telling Mattie but Mac felt she needed to know. In a subdued voice, Mac told her. "Mattie, I have less than a four percent chance of ever having children. It will take a miracle for Harm and I to have a child."
"Why?"
"Endometriosis. It's scarring of the female reproductive organs. I found out last year."
"Harm knows?" Mattie asked, concerned.
"Yes. He knows."
Mattie pondered over the news for a minute or two before answering, "I’m sorry Mac. I really am. I understand those odds since the doctors won’t give me the greatest odds of my walking unassisted again. I mean, it isn’t the same odds but it sucks the same, in a way."
"Thanks, kiddo." Mac took Mattie’s stab at understanding to heart.
Mattie rolled over to Mac, "How about a wager then?"
"What?"
"A bet to see who beats the odds first."
"Excuse me?"
"You heard me. A wager for something we can work out later, but if I am walking before you're pregnant then I win. If you get pregnant before I'm walking, then you win."
"Walking how? With an aid or not," Mac inquired.
Mattie though for a second, "Without."
What the hell, Mac thought, "Deal."
"Cool. Now I have a deadline to meet."
"Just don’t over do it Mattie. We want you back on your feet - not relapsing because of a bet."
"I figure it'll take both of us some time to meet our goals, so I know that I can go at a good pace."
Mac watched as Mattie made a sour face, "What now?"
"I guess I really will be locked in my room a couple of days a month while you two have hot wild monkey sex trying to make a baby."
Mac burst out laughing as Mattie did too.
Harm walked in a few minutes later with dinner, and they started laughing again, leaving Harm to wonder what joke he was the punch line for.
December 25th 2005
Rabb Residence
London England
Kensington District
0700 local time
Harm lay wake, holding Mac close as the rays of daylight started to creep through the closed curtains of their bedroom. It was the first Christmas in a long time when missing his visit to the wall didn’t bother him. Of course, the woman in his arms and the young woman down the hall were the main reasons. His family was here and that was all that mattered.
He knew Mac wasn’t happy about the fact that they weren’t successful in getting pregnant yet, and very small part of him was worried. He couldn’t explain it, but he felt like their chances were dissipating and the toll on their marriage showed a little more each month the tests came back negative. There were days when he felt like he was alone when he came home from the office.
Then again, there was no way you could consider yourself being alone with an emotional teenager down the hall. Mattie had been very supportive, and gave them room when they needed it, gave Mac comfort when he knew he wouldn’t understand, and gave him help when Mac was being… Well, when she was being Mac, and then they would return the favor when Mattie had a bad day at rehab or school.
He hoped they both enjoyed the Christmas gifts he'd bought. Buying for women was never an easy job for him. Thank goodness his mother was around to give him ideas. Having an ace in the hole like her would be the only saving grace for him for some time.
Of course he had bought Mac her usual perfume, his annual gift, a couple of nick knacks that only a Marine would love for the flat, and some sexy stuff from Fredrick’s of Hollywood. Mattie was a bit easier since she mainly wanted gym cloths and some cool looking work out gloves for using the wheelchair, and a new DVD camera so she could tape the places they were visiting. The addition of a full weight bench and weights was for all of them, especially him since he was beginning to see that his job was taking up so much time that he was missing the gym more than he wanted too.
"Morning and Merry Christmas, Dear."
He turned his head down so he could kiss her, "Morning to you, too."
"You seemed lost in deep thought there for man who should be resting before he cooks breakfast."
"I was just wondering what was in that big box you got me."
"Well, dear, you’re a big man and big man things go into big boxes."
"Are you saying that I'm big as in tall, or big as in size?"
Mac started to snicker into his shoulder; she knew that the constant teasing between Mattie and her about their backsides spreading calling it ‘Six Spread" was having an effect on Harm. "I wasn’t the one that had to buy new uniforms last week."
"You know darn well that was because my other ones were worn thin."
"You mean tight. Right?"
"You are going to pay for that remark Marine." He said as he rolled over her to pin her down to the mattress. "You like my six the way it is, don’t you?"
And other parts too, she thought as he kissed her breathless, and then nearly jumped out of bed as Mattie announced her presence in the hallway by purposely banging her chair against her door.
"I'm going to miss her, but you know… I'm glad she's going on that trip with the rehab group next week. It'll give us a chance to finish christening the flat," Harm said as he rolled off Mac and got out of bed.
"Well, she's going over to Jen's this evening to spend some time with her and her boyfriend," Mac said seductively as she reached for her sweat pants.
Harm waggled his eyebrows, trying to remember which room they left off with, as he put the disheartened thoughts he'd had earlier out of his mind - hoping that Mac’s mood wasn’t a temporary one.
Commercial Break
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February 1st 2006
The Centre for Women’s Health
Dr Taylor’s office
Mac was busy twisting her wedding ring, and Harm sat stoically beside her. Try for a few months naturally. It usually takes a normal healthy couple a year or sometimes two to get pregnant. If that were so, why so many get pregnant without trying do was all she could think.
Here they sat for the fifth time to meet with the doctor over options, and today was about IUI. With Intra Uterine Insemination, they inject the sperm right into the uterus during the middle of a woman's cycle when she is surging.
"Afternoon Captain, Sarah." The Doctor said as he entered the room. "I was just looking over your charts from the US, and I'd like to redo the exploratory exam."
Mac cringed. It hurt like hell for several days and now they wanted to do it again. "Why may I ask?"
"I want to look in and see for myself what the damage is. If it is clogged tubes then we might bypass the IUI sessions all together, and I would suggest going straight to IVF. If they aren’t blocked, then we can possibly clean you out a little more and then try the IUI for four to six months."
"When do you want to do it?" Mac asked wanting to do it soon and wanting it over.
"Since I know when you started, I'd say this week."
"Will she be taking fertility drugs while trying the IUI?" Harm asked.
"If I find out that the fallopian tubes are clean, then the first couple of tries, no because of the side effects from the medications. If two tries without help doesn’t get you pregnant, then we'll add medications to stimulate egg production and ovulation. It may end up that she needs the added boost to get your guys and her eggs to meet and the more of each the merrier."
Even though she was less than thrilled with her part of their fertility problems, she and Harm were both delighted to hear that his little swimmers were fine, and that he was producing enough of them for any procedure that they might do.
"Harm, it'll be okay. I'll just get this procedure done and over with so we can know what we're doing next."
"Alright, Mac. I just hate that you have to go through any of this," he reflected aloud as he held out his hand to her.
"I'll see you on Thursday then, Sarah."
"Thank you, doctor."
He nodded and left them alone to gather their thoughts.
The day after the procedure
Rabb Residence
Mac hated life. There was no other torture like having your insides blown up with air, cutting around your belly button where they must have stuck a scope the size of your leg into your stomach to view your female parts, and then after looking around, blasting off some of the scar tissue with a laser.
The only good thing was that Dr. Taylor was happy with what he saw. Mac partially remembered him telling Harm that they were able to clear a better path from the tubes to the uterus and that her chances were better for getting pregnant. The bad side was that time was their enemy, and if it didn’t happen by this time next year then they needed to reconsider things for her health.
"How are you feeling, Mac?" Harm asked as he sat down on the stool near the couch.
"Same way I was two hours ago, Harm. I'm in pain, my stomach hurts, my back hurts and my shoulders hurt. Everything hurts!" Mac snapped back, more in frustration over the pain than his asking the same question. She knew he had no idea what she was feeling, and she wished that the doctor had told her that the little operation hurt worse the second time.
Harm leaned forward on his arms and grimaced at Mac’s tone.
But before he could speak, "I know that you're sorry, Harm. I know that you wish that you were the one hurting but it's me. And I know it's the price for what we both want. But what I want more than anything right now is for you to just leave me alone like the wounded animal I am before I really bite your head off."
Harm snickered at that, "Wounded animal? I think that a wounded animal would be much easier to deal with than a hurting Marine." Then letting his head lean to the left with a little shrug, "Then again, I have survived you in pain before."
Mac never got the chance to reply, as Mattie wheeled around the corner, "I heard you Harm, and even though Mac may not be feeling like kicking your six, I can attempt to roll over it."
Even though it hurt, Mac laughed as Mattie rolled in to rescue her. "Thanks Mats, I don’t think that the man here gets it." As she wanted to smack her husband for being such a senseless idiot she decided that there were some things that Harmon Rabb would never learn and when to be funny was one of them.
Harm threw his hands up in surrender. "Fine. Fine. I'm going to go to the pub and join a few of the mates there for a brew. If you women need me just page me."
Mattie snorted and Mac resumed her no movement policy as Harm grabbed his keys and left. It was only after they were sure he was gone that Mac sighed in relief.
"He's worse than a mother hen, isn’t he?"
"He's just trying to be there for us, Mattie, but he doesn’t get that he doesn’t need to smother us either. It's just that he gets afraid he's going to lose us, and that bothers him more than he'll ever let on."
"Because of his dad and flying?"
"You answered in less than one minute what took more than five years for me to figure out."
Mattie could only shake her head at the denseness of the two people she considered her mom and dad now. "Well, you're together now and that's all that matters, that and the fact that you have me now to point out the obvious to you two."
"Hand me a pain pill and shut up." Mac said as she smiled at Mattie.
"Or what?"
"I'll gum up the wheels of your chair. Again"
Mattie glared at Mac for a minute, and then wheeled over to the coffee table to get the pills. "Be careful Marine, I'm learning your tricks."
May 25th 2005
Near the Westminster Bridge
Harm and Mac walked along the Thames enjoying a peaceful afternoon after both having a long week at work. Mac was enjoying the chance to do some legal work at the Embassy after months of just being a housewife.
"I wonder how AJ will take our missing his seventh birthday."
"I know that Harriet isn’t happy that we're missing it."
Harm chuckled, "Ya, us, them and ten seven year-olds running around high on sodas and cake not knowing what do to for their first sleep over. I just feel sorry for Bud."
"At least Mikey and Cammie are taking the twins for the night," Mac said shaking her head that Mikey Roberts was dating Crestwell’s daughter and that the General was actually letting it happen.
"I know what you're thinking. I told him he was crazy," Harm said as he remembered the talk he gave Mike on his last day at JAG HQ. Good thing I decided to listen to myself too he reflected as he took and squeezed Mac’s hand.
Mac turned a curious eye to her husband at the gesture, and then squeezed back. There were still days when the mystery of Harmon Rabb baffled her. Her cell phone ringing cut off her thoughts as she felt Harm give her hand one last squeeze and then release it so she could answer. "Rabb…yes…I will…thank you."
Harm felt her tense up and knew without a doubt that it was the clinic calling with bad news.
Mac curled her lip in as she bit down, trying to control the tears that threatened to fall.
Harm placed a hand on her face to lift her chin up so he could look into her eyes, "I’m sorry." Was all he could say as a lone tear trickled its way down her face.
"I just thought it was going to be this time. I guess the little bit of nausea I felt yesterday was…" she left off with a whisper as Harm pulled her to him and moved them out of the main traffic flow.
After a couple of minutes of holding each other they pulled back, as Big Ben started to gong out the hour.
"Is it on time?" Harm inquired as he handed Mac his handkerchief.
Mac sniffled and wiped her face, "Nope, off by about fifteen seconds."
"I’m so sorry, Mac. I was hoping as much as you were that this time, especially since you ovulated two eggs."
"I can just see you and twins. The terror from Nikkie and Kevin Roberts as you held them at the same time was funny."
"I wouldn’t call my reaction to two screaming six month olds as terror or funny." Harm defended himself, "Besides I didn’t see you handling the twins any better." Seeing her still trying to compose herself, he took her hand and started walking again towards the Westminster Bridge.
After several minutes, Mac said, "They said come in on day two again so that we can start a new cycle of meds."
"I guess I need to go by and get some new containers." He added as Mac laughed inside as she watched her husband's ears turn pink at his part in all of this.
"Will you need some help? I have a great pair of hands?" she asked.
"Mac!" Harm drawled out at his wife’s brashness. "I cannot believe you sometimes Marine."
Mac didn’t answer as the reason they needed to try again came to the surface.
Harm took her hand and raised it towards Big Ben, "Mac, I want to promise you that we will have our baby, just as old Ben here will bong out the time, we will have our chance. Someday in the future there will be a little person calling for their Momma and it will be you."
Knowing he meant well, Mac didn’t reply, because the way she felt at that moment, she was sure that this was one promise he wouldn’t be able to make true.
Seeing her doubt broke his heart. "Mac. Sarah." He said earnestly, "We will get to be parents some way, some how. I promise you that."
Shaking her head as she turned to face the huge clock, "Don’t make a promise you can’t keep."
He almost said ‘I haven’t yet, but the words rang hollow in his mind since they stood there with that one promise yet unfulfilled.
Mac sniffled one last time as she turned back to her husband, seeing his distress too and his attempt to hide it for her made her love him even more. "I suppose I'm just going to have to take you at your word. And have your faith."
"As long as we're together Mac, we can do anything."
She gave him a watery smile and then reached up to kiss him. "I love you."
"I love you too." Feeling that they were at least over the hurdle, he sighed and led her towards the Tube. "Come on, we better be heading home before rush hour."