Title: Hurt
Author: Bree (virtualjag@yahoo.com)
Archive: VS site only
Disclaimer: You know the drill.
Notes: Thanks to Jen for asking me to get on this roller coaster with her four years ago. I love roller coasters, but are we getting off anytime soon? :)
Thanks to all the other VS authors for believing I still had a JAG story to tell and letting me tell it in my own way.
Previously on JAG…
"Excuse me?" Mac said from behind Harm. "Did you just say son-in-law?"
Catherine gave Harm a questioning look and he turned around to look at Mac. Seeing the anger flare in her eyes, he turned back to Catherine with a mumbled, "Oh boy."
BUM BUM BUM dramatic reverb…I mean, cue the theme music.
Thursday
1815 EDT
North of Union Station
I am suddenly very aware of everything and nothing all at once. I can feel the very air against my skin, but I’m not sure if I’m breathing.
Catherine has a befuddled look on her face. She says something. Harm answers. I don’t know what he said but she gives him an icy look. She turns and says something to me. I don’t hear her; I just see her lips move. She turns to leave. I absently begin to follow her.
His hand is on my arm, “Wait, Mac, let me explain.”
“There’s nothing to explain.” My own voice sounds strange to me.
“Yes, there is. It isn’t what it looks like.”
“I can’t hear you right now. I just need to go.”
I reach for the door.
He keeps talking. “I know how you must feel.”
I cut him off, “*I* don’t even know how *I* feel.”
Tears are beginning to stack up on my eyelashes.
“I have to go,” I whisper.
I pull the door open and somehow make it to the elevator before the tears streak down my face. In the elevator I don’t turn around because I’m afraid. I’m afraid that he’ll be following. I’m afraid he won’t be following me.
Somehow I make it to my car. I begin to sob. Great wracking sobs that are physically and emotionally painful. I hear the gears grinding as I move out of reverse and into first. I look in the rearview mirror just has he bursts outside. He calls my name. I don’t hear it. I just see it.
Friday
0730 EDT
JAG HQ
Falls Church, VA
“Colonel, the admiral would like to see you ASAP.”
“Thanks, Jen.”
I move to get up and catch a glimpse of my reflection in the computer screen. The eyes don’t lie; certainly not this morning. After leaving Harm’s I managed to get to my apartment in one piece. For several hours I sat on my couch and tried to pull myself together. After all, hadn’t I made a flippant comment to him just before leaving for Paraguay? Hadn’t I been the one to tell him he was always ready when I was unavailable? Basically, I spent several hours telling myself that I didn’t love him. That led to more tears because I knew I was lying to myself. At some point exhaustion took hold and the next thing I realized the alarm clock in my bedroom was buzzing.
Head down, I make my way across the bullpen. The admiral’s door is open.
“Sir, you needed to speak with me.”
“Yes, Colonel. Come in. Have a seat.”
He is staring at the computer and clicking on, well, on everything.
“Damn thing.”
“Computer giving you problems, Sir?
“Yes. And is there in anyone in the office that knows how to fix it? Of course not, because I have to share a computer tech with four other offices.”
“Well, you could have made Tiner stay.”
He snorts and roughly shoves the mouse across the desk. He turns to face me.
“Have you ever seen Tiner sulk? It’s nearly as bad as when he’s screwing things up. But my computer and Tiner aren’t why I needed to see you. You are in here because of Marine reservist Corporal Rick Clark. Corporal Clark was to report to Cherry Point on May 30. He was two weeks late. I would like to blame the postal service, but they didn’t deliver the notice. I would even like to blame a bad alarm clock, but I can’t. When the corporal did finally show his face at Cherry Point his unit had shipped out and he was claiming conscientious objector status.”
He hands me the file that has been started on Corporal Clark. I begin skimming the paperwork.
“If he’s lucky, he faces a dishonorable discharge. If he’s unlucky, he’s looking at brig time.”
“That sums it up, I guess. It’s your job to make sure he ends up on the lucky end of the scale.”
“Who is prosecuting?”
“Commander Turner will be. He’s in Norfolk today, but I left a message for him to call me today.”
“Is that all, Sir?”
“Almost. I’m sure that you were aware that Commander Rabb was coming back. Today, in fact.”
I glance down and take several discreet deep breaths.
“Yes, Sir, I was aware of the commander’s return.”
“Are you okay with that, Mac?”
“I’m fine.”
He doesn’t look convinced, but he gives me permission to leave. Jen’s not at her desk when I step through the door. I close my eyes and take a moment. Suddenly I know why Jen isn’t at her desk. He’s here. I haven’t seen him or heard him. I can tell by the electric vibe in the building that he’s here. I open my eyes and search him out.
Damn. He’s standing right in the middle of the bullpen talking to Harriet. There is no way into my office that doesn’t pass by him. Moving quickly I head to the elevator bank. I’ll simply go downstairs and sit at the tables outside as I read through the Clark file. I’m waiting for the elevator when I realize I don’t have my cover. I’ll hide in the library. Yes, it all sounds childish. This is my job not a game of hide-and-don’t-seek. If I have to face him now, I’ll either burst into tears or I’ll start yelling at him. Hiding is a hell of a lot more professional.
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0915 EDT
JAG HQ
Falls Church, VA
Law Library
“Colonel, there you are.”
I continue to sit with my forehead resting in my hand.
“Mac, are you awake.”
I still don’t look at him.
“They should have just kept calling it the JAG Journal. Naval Law Review sounds so boring. JAG Journal was at least fun to say.”
He pulls out the chair across from me and sits down.
“Please, don’t,” I say.
“Mac….”
I cut him off. “Please don’t. Just leave me.”
“Please look at me.”
“No. I have work to do, so if you’ll excuse me.” I get up and begin to wander the stacks pretending to look for something.
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1730 EDT
Georgetown
I close the door and lean against it. The tears stream down my face. I have held these tears inside all day long. Every time I saw him my throat constricted. If someone mentioned his name I lost a beat.
Sitting down on my coffee table I prop my elbows on my knees and bury my face in my hands. Tears fill my palms. There is a knock on the door. I ignore it.
His muffled voice comes through the door, “Mac, I know you’re here. I saw your car outside.”
“Go away,” I choke out. I hear the door unlocking. Why in the world did I give him a key? To feed the dog while I was gone.
“Mac, we have to discuss what you heard last night.” He sits next to me on the coffee table.
“You’re going to break my coffee table.”
He puts an arm around my shoulders and tries to pull me to him.
“Don’t touch me. I think I heard all I needed hear last night.” I spit the words at him.
“No, you didn’t. You only heard one statement and from that you’ve drawn your own conclusions.”
I snap my head around to look at him.
“What else was there to hear?” my voice starts to get louder, “I heard the words “my mother wants to see her son-in-law” directed at you. That *implies* that you are the son-in-law.”
“I realize what it looks like and what it must have felt like to hear that.”
“Do you? Do you really know what it was like? I honestly don’t think you have a clue. You’re world revolves around you in such a tight circle there is no room for anyone else much less someone else’s feelings.”
He stands up and begins pacing, “Oh, I know what it was like to hear Catherine last night. I know because I had the exact same damn feeling when I saw you kissing Clay and him professing that he wanted to be with you. Do you know what it’s like to fly thousands of miles to find someone? To have to risk your life for someone you care for and find them…find them falling in love with someone else?”
I stand up, “Falling in love? How would know what I was doing? I had just watched Clay be tortured all because he was protecting me! Making sure that I didn’t have to suffer like he did. He was thinking about me, my well being.”
“Well, if he was so damned concerned about your well being why the hell did he have you down there?”
“I was there do a job. You remember that job I have that talks about protecting and defending the United States? I was doing it. You were here trying to get in the pants of some CIA lawyer! I had I even gotten to the airport before you looked her up?! Had my plane even gotten off the *ground* before you married her!?”
“Did you ever stop to think about this rationally? You’re just spouting off whatever comes to mind....”
“And you’re not?”
We stand on opposite sides of the living room and hurl words at one another.
“No, because I’ve had time to think. To think rationally. To talk to Clay. You haven’t stopped to think. You just keep yelling. Why? When you were ready to marry Mic I was willing to step back and let you?”
“That’s idiotic! There is no comparison there at all! I didn’t run off over the weekend and marry Mic.”
”No, but one night you’re offering me the moon and the stars and when I want to think about it you run to him. You don’t even give me the chance to think you just make the decision for me.”
“You didn’t want to think. You already knew you didn’t want me or anything I might have had to offer.”
“You were right last night. You can’t hear me. I’m leaving. When you able to listen to what I have to say let me know. Until then, we don’t need to discuss our relationship.” He opened the door.
I verbally slap him, “We don’t have a relationship.”
He quietly closes the door. He is gone. I want to throw something, but there is nothing handy.
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Monday
0900 EDT
JAG HQ
Falls Church, VA
I walk out of the courtroom.
“Colonel, I’ve been waiting for you.”
I smile, “Commander Turner, you want to talk about the Clark case.”
“I’m here to offer you a deal.”
“That’s all well and good, but I can’t take it.”
He looks confused, “You haven’t heard it yet.”
“I haven’t met with my client yet either. He’s supposed to be here after lunch today. I’ll find you then.”
“I’m in court at 1300.”
“I’ll remember that.”
1330 EDT
JAG HQ
Falls Church, VA
“Colonel Mackenzie, Corporal Clark is here.”
There is a young man standing just behind Lieutenant Sims.
“Thanks, Harriet. Corporal Clark, please come in and have a seat.”
“Yes, Ma’am.”
“Corporal, I’ve read your file. Now I need to hear the story from you. When did you join the reserves?”
“Yes, Ma’am. I joined the reserves right after high school. I’ve served my country and the Corps faithfully since then.”
“Then why the claim of being a conscientious objector?”
“Ma’am, I object to the killing of other people.”
I scratch my temple, “Corporal, what did you think the Marines did during times of war?”
“Ma’am the Corps doesn’t explain that to you. They advertise the Corps as a way to see the world, to serve your country, or to pay for college.”
“Corporal Clark, training you learn hand-to-hand combat and become an expert marksmen. Did you think those were just social skills you were being taught?”
“Colonel, if you don’t want to represent me, just say so. I’ve called everything in the book. Every reservist and active duty Marine and sailor has told me what they thought.”
“Corporal, I’m your lawyer. I’m here to do the best job I can in defending you. To do that I have know everything. I need to understand why you did what you did. I’m not your enemy. In fact, I’m about the only friend you have in the Marines right now.”
“I’m sorry, Colonel, but this has been difficult. I didn’t do any of this because I wanted attention. Military people think I’m yellow and tell me how stupid I am. Civilian organizations, like the Central Committee for Conscientious Objectors, think I want to be their poster boy. Ma’am, I just want to follow my convictions. Last year I considered filing for a CO discharge, but the process is very long and complicated. At the time it seemed it would be easier to wait until my enlistment was up. I never dreamed there would be a war in the meantime.”
“Now you face a dishonorable discharge, a bad conduct discharge, or even brig time. If you had started the process last year, we would have grounds for a general discharge. Commander Turner approached me this morning about a deal. I’m going to see when he might be out of court this afternoon.”
I step outside my office and close the door behind me.
Harm peers through my open blinds, “So is that your objector, Colonel?”
I glare at him, “Don’t talk to me, Commander.”
I see Harriet watching our exchange. Her curiosity is piqued.
“Lieutenant Sims, any idea of when Commander Turner will be out of court?”
“He and Lieutenant Roberts are giving opening arguments in the Carmichael case,” she glances as her watch, “they started about an hour ago. I’ll go peek in the courtroom and see if I can get and idea of how much longer.”
“Thanks, Harriet.”
He just stands beside me.
“Can I help you, Commander Rabb?”
“Still not ready to hear me?”
“You bet your sweet bippy I’m not.”
“Sweet bippy?”
“Don’t try and be my friend.”
“I don’t have to try, I just am.” With that he walks away. I wish I could let him tell me whatever it is he has tried to tell me, but I still can’t hear him. Every evening I go home and dwell on it. I feed my anger. I nurse my hurt. As long as I’m doing that I can’t hear him.
“Ma’am,” Harriet interrupts my thoughts, “Commander Turner won’t be out of court for quiet a while. He is questioning the first witness.”
“Thanks, Harriet.” I turn to head back into my office.
“Ma’am, I wanted to invite you to a cookout at our house Saturday afternoon.”
“Sounds wonderful. What do I need to bring?”
“Just yourself, Ma’am. We’ll have dinner around 5:30, but please come early. It will give us time to talk.”
“Thanks, Harriet,” I open my office door, “Corporal, looks like it us this afternoon.”
“Ma’am?”
“Commander Turner will be in court all afternoon. I will set up an appointment with him. Hopefully he’ll be free tomorrow or Wednesday. You and I need to discuss a few more things.”
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Wednesday
1445 EDT
JAG HQ
Falls Church, VA
“Corporal, I’m willing to offer you a six months confinement and a dishonorable discharge.”
I jump in, “Commander six months and dishonorable discharge? Don’t you think that’s a little harsh. We’re here for a conscientious objector claim. No confinement and a general discharge.”
“A general discharge, Colonel,” he laughs that I would even suggest such a thing. “I’m not out to punish him for his objector claim. The punishment for not reporting to Cherry Point when he was ordered. The objector claim became a moot point when he didn’t report for two weeks.”
I glance at the corporal. He gives me a nod.
“Commander, we’ll take our chances in a summary court-martial.”
“I never mentioned a summary court-martial. I’ll be convening a general court-martial.”
“A general court-martial? Sturgis, are you crazy. In a general court-martial the corporal would face a possible five year confinement and a punitive discharge.”
“Exactly, Mac, he disobeyed an order” he turns to address the Corporal Clark, “I’m not out to see that you spend years in the brig, but I’m not about to just let you walk. You can go before the members, cross your fingers, and hope they don’t give you the maximum. Or you and Colonel Mackenzie can meet me in the middle.”
“I’d like to speak to Colonel Mackenzie.”
“Of course. Take your time.” He leaves the room.
“I spoke with Aimee Allison yesterday.”
I sigh, “Why?
“She called. She encouraged me to stand beside my beliefs.”
“Good for her. She’s not the one facing a general court-martial. She served five months confinement before the federal courts listened.” I lean across the table, “Did you hear the commander? He’s not going to bring up your objector claim. He doesn’t care about that. He’s going to nail you with the desertion charge.”
“Can we fight the desertion charge?”
“I’m not seeing how. You didn’t report to Cherry Point until two weeks after you were ordered and your unit had deployed. It comes back to you did not declare objector status until after you received the papers. All we can do is argue your intent to file for a CO discharge.”
“What are the chances of a not guilty verdict?”
“I don’t see them as being very good. The members are going to see a young man willing to take what the Marines had to offer him, but when it came time to do what you were trained to do you got cold feet. Let’s look at what you stand to lose with a dishonorable discharge. I think we can make a deal with Commander Turner and avoid confinement if we offer the dishonorable.”
“I’ll lose benefits.”
“And it will follow you everywhere you go.”
“Colonel, in the civilian world, I own a very successful bike shop. I’m not worried about my resume.”
“This is your decision.”
“Just keep me out of the brig, Colonel.”
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Saturday
1630 EDT
Roberts’ Residence
I’m standing in the Roberts’ kitchen watching Harm push A.J. on the swing. I feel the tension building my chest.
“Ma’am, are you and the commander having an argument?”
“Yes, Harriet. I found out about him and Catherine Gayle.”
She laughs, “So you’ve heard about the marriage.”
“Harriet, how can you find that so funny? The man told me he didn’t want me to go, but turned around and got married. Probably before I even got to Paraguay.”
“Oh, waa-waa call the wambulance, Colonel. Stop whining about the commander’s so-called marriage. Mrs. Gayle was dying; it was her heart. She thought the commander and Ms. Gayle were engaged and wanted to see them married before she died. He was only trying to make a dying woman happy. Only he made her so happy she didn’t die. When Bud told me that the commander needed him to perform a wedding ceremony I begged to go along, but there was no one to watch A.J.”
I’m beginning to feel sick.
“Bud performed the ceremony? I didn’t realize he could do that.”
“He can’t, not legally anyway. When he showed me the vows he used I nearly fell out of bed laughing. He used these same-sex marriage vows, but Ms. Gayle’s mother didn’t seem to notice.”
I sit down in the nearest chair.
“I think I’ve screwed up, Harriet.”
“Sounds like it, Ma’am.”
1830 EDT
Roberts’ Residence
He’s standing next to the swing set staring at the stars.
“Commander, can I talk to you?” His whole body tenses up.
“Sure, Colonel. What do you want to talk about?”
“I can hear you now. I *need* to hear you now.”
“Not here. Bud and Harriet are the only ones in the office that know. I’d prefer it not get around.”
“Tomorrow, my place?”
“No.”
I’m slightly taken aback.
“Last time I tried to talk to you there it turned ugly. We need neutral ground.”
“Then what about the deli down the street from my place?”
“Okay, about noon.”
I give him a watery smile. I manage to keep all but one tear in. He brushes the tear away.
“Trust me, when you hear this story you won’t be crying. It’s a true comedy.”
“I need that right now. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
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Saturday
1200 EDT
World Foods
Georgetown
I’m sitting an outside table waiting when I see him walking down the sidewalk. He had to park down the street. This story better be as good as he claims.
He slides into the seat across from, “Have you ordered?”
“Yeah.”
“So what’s good here?”
“Everything is great. For your vegetarian leanings, I would recommend Portobello mushroom sandwich. Grilled Portobello and roasted red peppers.”
“I’ll order when they bring yours.”
We sit in silence for several minutes.
“We can sit here and enjoy the nice weather all we want, but that doesn’t change the fact we’re here to discuss you marriage.”
“When you wouldn’t tell me where you were going…”
“Couldn’t. I couldn’t tell you.”
“Fine, when you *couldn’t* tell me where you were going it drove me crazy. You had left my place and I thought about what you said. I realized I needed to talk to you about that. It kept eating at me and I couldn’t wait for you to get back to talk to you. Then I began having these terribly realistic nightmares in which you and Clay were killed. I tried to pump Admiral Cheggwidden for your location. I even called Mrs. Webb and tried to weasel a phone number out of her. Both were dead ends. Then I remembered Catherine Gayle.”
An employee brings my pizza and pasta salad.
She smiles at Harm, “Did you want to order anything, Sir?”
“Yeah, a Portobello mushroom sandwich. Thanks.”
I jerk my thumb in the direction of the deli’s front door. “There’s a cooler inside with drinks in it.”
“Okay. Maybe later. Where was I?”
“You’re remembrance of Ms. Gayle.”
“Oh. I tried to call her. No luck. I found out where she was having dinner and went there and pretended to be surprised to find her there.”
“You stalked her?” I’m incredulous.
“Stalk is a very strong word. Recall if you will I was desperately trying to get a hold of you. Anyhow, she got a call that her mother was in the hospital. I stuck my foot so far down my throat at that point that it I knew if I didn’t drive her to the hospital I’d never get the information I wanted.”
“You? Stick your foot in your mouth? Never.”
“Glad to see your witty sense of humor coming back.”
“Harriet told me the rest of the story.”
“So why am I telling it to you again?”
“Because I needed to hear you. I needed to now I could listen to you again.”
“Mac, I wanted to tell you the story, but I thought I could get myself out of the mess without you finding out. I never wanted to hurt you. Please know that I never want to make you cry or make you hurt. I know I am the cause of so many tears in your life.
I have nothing to say to that. All I can do is nod my head and blink back tears. Despite everything I still love him.
I take a shaky breath, “So how *do* you plan on getting out of this mess?”
“Catherine and I talked about it. And I agreed to go with her when she explained to her mother that we had made a mistake and we were separating. Now my divorce is inevitable.” He flashes that killer smile at me.
“How did Mrs. Gayle and her heart take the news?”
“She seemed okay. I sort of wonder if she knew along that we were lying to her, but she wanted to believe so badly that she ignored all the gaps in our story.”
“I’m glad it all worked out.”
“Has it?”
“What do you mean?”
“It’s really only worked out when I know you’re my friend again.”
I reach across the table and take his hand.
“I’m always your friend. Through the tears and the pain I missed having my friend around this last week. I do believe you are stuck with me for a long time.”
“That’s not all bad.”
End
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