Title: Surrogate III - So Close To Crazy
Author: MSHDV, MSHDV@aol.com
Summary: Will a game of pretend tear Mac and Harm apart or bring them closer together?
Disclaimer: JAG characters portrayed belong to JAG, CBS and Paramount Television. No copyright infringement intended. All other characters depicted are purely fictional and any similarities to actual people are purely coincidental.

Author's Notes - This is the third part of the Surrogate Series. This series will be in 7 parts. It has all the characters we love and love to hate! Feedback is more than welcome. Some of the facts are based on the series...some have been fed by my imagination for the story line. So Close to Crazy belongs to Reba McEntire and MCA Record.


Surrogate III - So Close To Crazy


PROLOGUE III


  I still reach for you in the middle of my dreams each night
But my arms come up empty every time
And lately I talk to your memory more than I should
If I could just forget the past I would
Cause this missing you ain't doing me no good

I'm so close to crazy
Right on the edge
Just one step away
>From going insane
But I'm not there yet
If I could just lose my mind
I wouldn't know we're through
But this close to crazy
Is far from over you

Today I caught myself reliving how it used to be
At a table for two, just you and me
But talking to an empty chair and laughing right out loud
Turned everybody's head and left no doubt
I'm a broken man close to breaking down

I'm so close to crazy
Right on the edge
Just one step away
>From going insane
But I'm not there yet
If I could just lose my mind
I wouldn't know we're through
But this close to crazy
Is far from over you

This close to crazy is far from over you

I still reach for you in the middle of my dreams each night...



SARAH RABB'S RESIDENCE
BELLVILLE, PA
0330HRS (EST)


Mac woke with a start as she heard the shouting. She focused on her surroundings reaching instinctively for the Berreta tucked out of sight in the night stand by the bed. Since Coster, since the mountains, she went nowhere without her weapon. How pathetic she thought> As she stood releasing the safety, she realized it was Harm who was shouting and that it was a one sided conversation. He was having a nightmare. She relaxed as she re-secured the safety and put the weapon away. She grabbed her robe and headed for Harm's room as the shouts continued.

Mac's eyes focused in the darkness as she looked across the room at Harm thrashing wildly on the bed. She walked and sat on the corner trying to wake him from the dream that had gripped him so violently.

"Harm wake up! Harm it's only a dream! Wake up!" Mac shook him attempting to release him from the terror that was occupying his mind.

He heard the voice, but couldn't focus as his mind was still desperately trying to bring Diane back to him. He felt himself suddenly alone drifting back. As his dreams dissipated and he saw the figure before him he grabbed at her and hugged her tightly to him.

"I thought I lost you again! I love you Diane! Please don't leave me again! He once again felt the figure pull away.

"Harm, it's Mac. Her statement was a whisper as the realization of who he thought she was grabbed at her heart. She felt him wrench away and lay defeated on the bed.

"I know." Harm sadly turned away from her. "I know." He grabbed at the sheets and fell back into a fitful sleep.

Mac stood shaking, her heart shattered into a million pieces. She walked to the window seat in Harm's room and curled up in a tight ball in the corner. The flicker of love she had thought she had seen in his eyes the night before had been for Diane. He had confused them again. She could deal with Jordan, but how was she going to deal with the ghost of his only real love. Even if he ever came to her as a lover, how could she ever be sure it was her that he loved? Her that he wanted to be with? Her that he needed?

Sleep finally found her as she drifted to a very lonely place and the 'presence' came to her again. This time she resisted the warmth and the words. 'It's just another obstacle, Sarah. This is where you should be. Just be strong, Sarah. Just have faith in yourself and in who he is...' Mac fought the words. 'I don't know if I can anymore, Sir.' He left her mind without another word and the lonely place was filled by the darkness of the night once more.


Harm awoke when the light of dawn started spilling into the room. He had the dream again. Diane filled his mind as he glanced at the window and saw Mac curled in the corner of his room asleep. What was she doing? Standing guard? He left his bed and went to her. He watched as she slept and he remembered his cowardice of the night before. He had gone to her room, but couldn't knock. He was afraid of who he was reaching out for. Was it Mac or Diane? He remembered Mac waking him, but not the words he had said to her. He shook his head as he knelt by the woman who had come to watch over him again.

"Mac, wake up." Harm shook her gently not wanting to startle her. He watched as her beautiful eyes opened and she tried to focus on her surroundings.

"Harm, is it morning already?" The memories of the night before started to cascade through her consciousness, but she willed herself to push them to the back of her mind. "So where's my Cappuccino?"

Harm smiled and watched the robe slip open as she stretched sensually. He turned away hesitantly and headed to the bathroom. "Cute Marine. Get your six in gear and I may even buy you one on the way to the hospital. Move it!"

"Promises...Promises." Mac mumbled.

Mac returned to her room, showered and dressed quickly. She started to tremble as her mind played back the intense disappointment she had seen on Harm's face when he realized she wasn't Diane. Dear God, how am I going to fight a ghost! Maybe it has never been me? Maybe it has always been Diane! Her convictions melted away, as she realized she couldn't play the games she had sworn she would to bring her to him. Their friendship would be all she would ever have and that would have to be enough. A single tear slipped silently down her cheek as she made her way down the stairs.


OUR LADY OF MERCY HOSPITAL
BELLVILLE, PA
0700HRS (EST)


They drove to the hospital in silence; both preoccupied with their own thoughts. Harm glanced at Mac and saw her staring incessantly out the passenger window. He knew she was eager to see Gram for herself, but something else was bothering her.

They parked and made their way to Gram's room. Not knowing what to expect from his grandmother Harm grabbed Mac's hand. "For appearances." He whispered confusion in his eyes as he saw Mac quickly look away.

Sarah Rabb watched as her Grandson and Mac came into the room. A wave of relief swept over her as she saw Mac move quickly to her bedside. "Oh Sarah my dear! I was so worried." The two women hugged tightly both with tears in their eyes.

"I'm fine Gram, really I am! I just wish I could have been here yesterday. How are you feeling?" Mac held Gram's hand lovingly in hers, both women ignoring Harm completely.

"Hey, remember me? I'm not used to being ignored by both the Sarahs in my life!" Harm flashed his signature grin as his Grandmother looked up at him beaming.

"Harmon Rabb Jr. can't you let the two women who love you visit a bit! You have her all her time, I haven't seen her since..." Gram's mind clouded.

"...Since August, Gram." Mac completed her sentence. "But we spoke last week. Remember?"

"Oh, yes...yes I do." Sarah Rabb smiled weakly not understanding her momentary memory lapse. The two women continued to talk as if they hadn't seen each other in years, each comfortable in the other's presence. A strong bond obviously was shared between them.

Harm watched the attention Mac lavished on his grandmother and noticed how natural her love was for the older women. The tenderness she exhibited when she touched Gram's cheek tugged at his heart. The love his two Sarahs felt for each other was more than apparent. The closeness they had developed over the last year evident. How had he not noticed? How had he not known what was growing between them? His two Sarahs...where the hell did that come from?

They talked together about everything, Mac trying to gauge the woman's condition for herself. When Sarah Rabb suddenly took Mac's left hand and stared blankly, Mac felt herself tense visibly.

"Sarah where is your ring?" The older woman stared imploringly at her.

"Gram...what...oh I must of left it at the house." This was getting too much for Mac, but she knew she would do anything for this woman. Even continue this charade that was breaking her heart with every spoken word...simple words that were stinging her soul.

"Well...did I ever tell you that it was mine? No of coarse I didn't. Harm must have told you. I had always kept it for Harm. I always knew he loved you and you would have it one day..." Her voice trailed off as Dr. Cochran entered the room.

"Good morning, Mrs. Rabb. Commander." Dr. Cochran eyed Mac and waited for the introductions to be made not knowing the condition his patient's mind this day.

"Harm, where are your manners? Dr. Cochran this is Sarah Mackenzie Rabb, Harm's wife." Sarah Rabb proudly glanced at Mac and Harm.

Mac stood apprehensively and extended her hand to the doctor. "It's nice to meet you, Sir. I would like to thank you for taking such good care of my Grandmother."

"It is very nice to meet you also, Mrs. Rabb. I've heard a lot about you from my patient, who has been very anxious to see you." Dr. Cochran admired the natural grace and strength with which Sarah Mackenzie was handling what was obviously a very difficult situation for her. He turned towards his patient as Mac moved to the window. "Are we ready to complete our tests, Mrs. Rabb?"

"If you still feel they are necessary, but I still don't understand what all the fuss is about. I feel fine." Gram looked at her grandson pleadingly.

"Gram, I think the Doctor knows best. Mac and I will be right here when you come back." These were the first words Harm had spoken since he had realized his Grandmother was still filled with the hallucinations of another time, another place.

Mac walked to the bedside and kissed the older woman tenderly. "I promise we'll be right here. I'm not going anywhere. OK?" Mac smiled as she saw the relief in her eyes.

Harm walked to the elevators with his grandmother as she was wheeled out. "I love you, Gram." Harm kissed her and then watched the elevator doors close.


Mac waited till she saw Harm turn the corner toward the elevators. She couldn't stand the confines of the hospital room any longer! She needed to get out of there! She needed to clear her head! Mac darted from the room, down the stairs and out into the bright sunlight. She headed for the small garden she had noticed when they had arrived.

She found a small bench in the corner of the garden and sat down laying her head in her hands. The scene played out in the hospital room pounded in her head. The loving touches...the longing glances...the cherished words. All a charade that had shredded her heart painfully. She had loved Harm since that day in court when he had defended Uncle Matt for stealing the Declaration of Independence. All the spoken words and pretenses now were killing her minute by minute.

Harm went back to Gram's room. When he noticed the room empty, he exited and made his way to the Nurses's Station. "Sandra, have you seen..." Harm didn't have time to finish his sentence.

Sandra Gilbert looked up. "Your wife, Commander? I saw her leave the building on her way to the Rose Garden." Sandra Gilbert envied the Commander's wife, as she saw the love in his eyes as he moved hurriedly to the stairs and disappeared.

Harm stood on the steps of the hospital entrance trying to locate Mac. He saw her form slumped on the iron bench and a knot formed in his stomach. He knew all this pretense was probably taking its toll on her, combined with the worry she must be feeling for Gram. He signed audibly as he walked towards her.

Mac felt him approach. It always amazed her how she could sense his presence. Without a glance, without a word, without a touch she could always feel him close to her.

Harm sat on the bench next to her. For awhile neither of them spoke as they just stared at the grounds the winter weather had ravaged. Finally Harm broke the silence. "Hey, you OK?"

Mac trembled visibly. "I'm fine. Just a little cold." She willed her tears away as she straightened.

Harm took her left hand in his, not noticing her tense at his touch. He caressed her hand concentrating particularly on the naked ring finger. "With Gram's mind in the condition it is, I would have never thought she would have remembered the ring." He saw Mac pull her hand away abruptly and tuck it in the pocket of her jacket.

"When I came to see her before I left for the USS Patrick Henry, she gave me the ring. I remember her telling me she knew what was in my heart and that it was time. To this day, I still don't know what she meant. Jordan and I weren't...well it just wasn't the time. Harm glanced at Mac and noticed the stoic expression on her face.

"Well, now that Jordan is back in your life...who knows?" Mac stood still staring out over the grounds as she steadied her voice. Mac didn't want to discuss the ring nor his relationship with Jordan, she just wanted to be anywhere but here having this conversation.

"It had been my mother's engagement ring. When my mother married Frank, she gave it back to Gram. My mother wanted it to stay in the family so Gram gave it to me." Harm stood directly behind Mac as he continued. "Mac, I owe you for this. It seems that every time I think you've gone farther with me than anyone in my life, you surprise me." His voice trailed off as Mac turned and looked at him for the first time.

"You owe me no more than I owe you. We just do what friends do. We support each other unquestioning. Anyway, I'm not doing this for you or me. I'm doing this for Gram." As Mac looked into Harm's eyes she saw that spark again. She knew he was looking at Diane and another piece painfully shattered from her heart. She turned quickly away and walked back to the hospital entrance.


TWO WEEKS LATER
JAG HEADQUARTERS
FALLS CHURCH, VA
0945HRS (EST)


The Admiral sat in the conference room not particularly in a pleasant mood. Webb was jerking his chain again on an operation that was going to put two of his officers in jeopardy for the good of what? Webb?

"OK people. Let's get started." A.J. watched as his officers congregated around the large conference table.

The Admiral divided the assignments among his officers, commenting on each one distractedly. Once all the case files, except one, had been distributed he cleared his throat.

"Colonel Mackenzie, since your appointment as Chief of Staff you have not had the opportunity to participate in any road investigations. That changes as of today. You and Commander Brumby need to be on the next available flight to Miramar. Apparently, there has been 4 separate instances of inappropriate resignations under the command of a Captain Zack Taylor." The Admiral hesitated. "The last one has ended in the untimely death of his information officer, a Lt. Caroline Dawson. Everything has been arranged Colonel, you will be going in undercover as her replacement." A.J. handed Mac the case file and stood. He would have been much more comfortable if Rabb was going with her, but the departure couldn't be delayed till his return.

"Let's get to work people. Colonel, my office please."

"Yes Sir." Mac followed the Admiral down the stairs and watched as he closed his office door.

"This case is particularly damning to the military and has peaked the interest of the press. Apparently, there have been allegations made against Captain Taylor concerning certain behavior he has allegedly displayed. I want this resolved as quickly and quietly as possible. No heroics, Colonel. You are to take advantage of the resources provided you by the Base Command. Is that clear?"

"Yes, Sir."

A. J. watched as Mac left his office. His mind went back to the Del Rio incident. He just hoped that whatever demons had occupied her mind then and made her careless had been put to rest.


MAC'S APARTMENT
GEORGETOWN, DC
1345HRS (EST)


Mac opened the apartment door and deposited all she was carrying on her bed. She had 2 hours and 8 minutes before Mic picked her up for the airport. She was glad she finally was back on the road again, but wished she had a chance to see Harm before she left. She stepped into the shower relaxing under it's warming massage.

Harm was due back from Bellville this afternoon and she had missed him terribly the last two weeks. They had talked every night, about Gram's recovery, about their friendship, about his dreams of Diane, about just everything. Well, maybe not everything, she signed to herself. Their friendship was back on track, growing even stronger than before. She stepped from the shower, drying herself and quietly berating herself for not letting go of the love she had for her partner. You need to let it go Marine. His looks of love were for his dead girlfriend not for you. They never were for you.


JAG HEADQUARTERS
FALLS CHURCH, VA
1300HRS (EST)


Harm stepped out of the elevator into the bullpen acknowledging Mattoni and Imes as they passed him silently and headed for Mac's office. He noticed her office was dark just as Harriet rounded the corner.

"Commander, welcome back. We didn't expect you till tomorrow. I hope everything is fine with your Grandmother?"

"Yes, thanks Harriet. Is the Colonel in court?" Harm nodded towards Mac's office.

"No, Sir. She has gone home to pack. She and Commander Brumby are leaving for Miramar this afternoon on a case."

"Harriet, what time are they do out?" Harm tried to keep his voice even at the thought of Brumby and Mac in California alone.

"They are on a 1745 United Flight, Sir." Harriet smiled to herself as she saw a flicker of concern in the Commander's eyes. Unbelievable, just unbelievable, she thought to herself. How long were they going to play this game? Maybe she would help things along a little.

Harm walked into his office and grimaced at the pile of paperwork that had accumulated on his desk during his absence. He reached for the phone and dialed Mac's number. He got her machine. He glanced at this watch. She couldn't be gone already? As he dialed again to leave a message he heard Harriet knock.

"Commander, Colonel Mackenzie left these folders behind. I was going to courier them to her tomorrow, but if your planning on going by her apartment...would you mind taking them to her?" Harriet plastered an innocence smile on her face.

"I'll take them, Harriet. I wasn't planning on stopping by, but if they are important?" Harm lied. That was exactly where he was planning to go.

"Oh yes, Sir. I'm sure she needs to go over them immediately." Harriet had a hard time controlling herself. Bud would be furious at her for interfering again, but what the heck! Somebody had to do something.


MAC'S APARTMENT
GEORGETOWN, DC
1400HRS (EST)


Mac packed her bags and slipped the uniform on. She deposited her bags on the living floor. She still had plenty of time before Mic came for her. She went into the kitchen and started a pot of coffee just as she heard the knock on her door.

"Mic, I thought you said..." Mac opened the door and her heart leapt as she saw Harm standing there, a huge smile crossing her face. "Harm! You're back! Get in here! How's Gram?" Her smile faded as she saw the expression in his eyes.

"What the hell is...Is this a..." Harm just stared at her memories twisting every rational nerve in his body.

Mac was confused as she watched him enter the apartment. "What's wrong...?" As the words left her mouth and she saw him just staring at her in amazement the realization of what she was wearing tore at her soul. Suddenly uncomfortable in the navy uniform, she backed into kitchen as he continued to just stare at her wordlessly.

The shock of the vision of Diane in front of him had knocked all the wind out of Harm. It was Diane! No it was Mac! Damn it Rabb now you're seeing things! He walked quickly to the kitchen and was relieved to see he wasn't hallucinating. It was Mac who was dressed in the navy uniform. It was Mac!

Mac had braced herself on the counter's edge as she poured two cups of coffee. She heard him enter the kitchen, but couldn't turn. She felt him directly behind her, as his scent shot electricity through every part of her body. She didn't say a word as she handed him the cup of coffee and slipped past him into the living room.

He joined her as she sat stiffly on the couch. "Mac, I'm sorry. I just wasn't prepared to see you...well dressed like that."

Mac's heart broke for the man she loved as she heard the defeat in his voice. "Harm, I know it's OK." It was hard for her to keep the pain out of her own voice, but she continued. "Harm, this thing with Diane has gone past the point of just nightmares. It's become a new obsession. You need to talk to someone. Maybe Jordan."

"Oh yea...talk to the woman I'm sleeping with about the woman I still love. That would make things much better." Harm was suffocating from the tension in the room. He ran his hand distractedly through his hair as he turned and saw the grim expression on Mac's face.

"Appropriate it may not be, but necessary it is. Do you think she honestly doesn't know about Diane? For God's sake Harm she is sharing your bed. If I knew those nights in Bellville, how could she not? You need help. You need to put this behind you. You need to move on. Talk to her. It is what she does for a living."

"And you can't help?" Harm knew the answer to that question before he heard her response. He stood and walked to the window blankly staring at nothing.

"No I can't." Mac made her way to the window and turned him to look at her with a hand on his shoulder. "Every time you look at me you see Diane. I'm not sure anymore if you ever saw Sarah Mackenzie. You once told me that you didn't hold it against me for looking like her. I still believe that, but I know that every time you look at me it hurts you lately. These nightmares have surfaced for a reason. You need to find out why." Mac touched his face tenderly. "If you won't do it for you flyboy, then do it for me and our friendship."


JAG HEADQUARTERS
CHRISTMAS EVE DAY
1110HRS (EST)


Harm threw the case folder on his desk and stood stretching. He walked to the window and watched the snow blanketing Falls Church for the second time in as many days. Mac called him last night when she and Brumby had returned from Miramar and he had missed the call. He had been at Jordan's. He cursed himself for not being home to talk to his friend. Jordan had told him her orders for Spain had finally come through and she would be leaving in two weeks. They both knew their relationship was going nowhere and that it had merely afforded them both a sexual outlet and a degree of companionship. Though he felt a twinge of guilt, he was relieved she was leaving.

The dreams of Diane had stopped. He had always been a very private person and could have never seen himself discussing his nightmares with a stranger, not even Jordan. He hadn't taken Mac's advice about discussing it with Jordan, or with anyone. He swore he could work it out himself and he was almost back on track, the stoic composure in tact. Even though Mac had said she couldn't help, she had in her own way. They had spoken almost every night while she was away, about Diane, about the case, about Jordan, about Brumby, about everything. Damn he missed her! They had gotten their friendship back and it was even stronger than before. But something felt different between them. Something was more intense.

Harm grabbed his cup and headed for the kitchen as thoughts of Brumby and Mac played in his mind. She had admitted to him the other night that they had gotten closer while in California. He imagined Mac was sleeping with him and he knew he didn't like it. He told himself it wasn't jealousy that he was feeling, because he had no right to be jealous. He had convinced himself he was afraid that Brumby would hurt her and if he did...he wasn't sure what he would do to that cocky bastard.

Harriet turned the corner and saw the Commander in the kitchen. "Sir, there you are. I have the Colonel on the phone for you." Harriet noticed a spark in the Commander's eyes.

"Thanks, Harriet." His signature grin could have set the kitchen ablaze. Harriet smiled as he touched her shoulder on the way back to his office. She waited for him to close the door before she transferred the call.

Harm grabbed the phone and his stomach knotted as he heard her voice knowing she was home and not across the country. "Welcome home, Mac. Sleeping in this morning? Alone I assume?"

"Thanks sailor and that's none of your business!" Mac's voice was light and relaxed considered all she had been through the last 2 weeks thanks to Webb. "Hey, the Admiral gave me the day off and I just thought since we haven't spent much time together over the past month and it is Christmas Eve, you'd let me make you a dinner?" Mac held her breath hoping that he didn't have plans with Jordan. She had missed him terribly and wanted to spend some time alone with him before they went their separate ways for the holidays.

"You cook? Sure, that would be great. No plans with Brumby for an intimate Christmas Eve dinner?" Harm kept his voice light teasing.

"Yes me cook and no. Mic is on his way to Australia on leave. He'll be gone for 6 weeks. Tonight I've reserved for you, Sailor! One Sailor in my life at a time is enough thank you very much!"

"So I'm a surrogate for Brumby? How endearing. This should make for a very interesting evening."

"Don't go there, Harm. You know I'd never use you as a replacement for anyone. You know you have always stood on your own."

They teased each other playfully throughout the rest of the conversation, set the time and hung up each wrapped in the memory of the other's words.


VIETNAM WAR MEMORIAL
WASHINGTON, DC
CHRISTMAS EVE
1630HRS (EST)


The snow had started to fall again covering the city and even making Washington appear peaceful and serene. The two women walked away arm in arm, back into the holiday dusk from where they had come. Sarah turned back and looked at the Commander as he came to attention and saluted his hero, the father who had been lost to him so many years before. She felt a small shudder pass through her body and she held on tighter to her mother's arm.

"Mother, do you think he'll be all right?" Sarah half whispered to the woman standing next to her.

Jenny Lake looked back and said lovingly. "Yes, my dear, he will be fine. He is a strong, sensitive and courageous young man. He is his father's son."

"I hope I have the opportunity to get to know him as a friend." Sarah signed. "Perhaps even as a sister." She added as an afterthought.

Jenny looked into her daughter's eyes and realized how hard the truth had been for her also. "You will one day, I'm sure. You must give the Commander some time to comprehend and accept all he has learned tonight." Jenny took her daughter's hand and they turned and walked in silence.

Jenny had hoped she had done the right thing this Christmas Eve. She had been coming to the Memorial every Christmas Eve for years to honor the man who had saved her life so many years ago. She reflected on the first Christmas Eve, she had seen Commander Harmon Rabb Jr. honoring his father. It was like seeing a ghost and she remembered how emotionally shaken she had been. She had never thought of approaching him in all the past years, but this year was different. After her diagnosis in October, she had made up her mind that it would probably be her last opportunity to explain to the aviator the enormous part his father had played in her life. And of course, Jenny had to introduce him to Sarah, his sister.

Harm lovingly touched his father's name and whispered. "I love you Dad." He turned to where Jenny and Sarah had been standing only to notice they were gone. His attention was drawn back to the aviator wings Jenny had given him. He had taken his father's wings and placed them next to the candle Jenny had lit at the foot of the war memorial. This is where they belong, he thought as he knelt to touch them one last time tears welling up in his eyes.

As Harm stood to walk away, his vision caught sight of the two red roses lying next to the candle, bathing the card attached in the soft snow-flaked candlelight. He recognized the gold JAG insignia on the card and the familiar handwriting that simply read...Forever Honored and Never Forgotten...The phrase was written in both English and Russian.

The warmth in Harm's heart was something he had never felt before in his life and therefore he was still blind to its meaning and significance. In his mind he could see her there, in her uniform saluting proudly, touching the name on the wall and honoring the man she had never met. The man she had risked her life and her career for in Russia, just to be by her best friend's side. To help him deal with what he would find there. He had never felt closer to her or to anyone in his life. If she hadn't gone with him, he truly doubted he could of have survived the ordeal or his grief. Mac, always Mac.

Harm's emotions were in turmoil thrashing around in his mind as he numbly walked back to his car. What had just happened with Jenny Lake? A sister? An affair? How was this possible the frightened 5-year-old boy within him shouted! Mac? Diane? Everything was starting to run together again in his mind.


MAC'S APARTMENT
WASHINGTON, DC
CHRISTMAS EVE
1630HRS (EST)


Mac stumbled as she entered her apartment trying to manage unsuccessfully all she was balancing and hit the side of the entry table hard with her hip. The pain shot through her like a sharp knife. "Damn." She muttered as she watched her groceries roll in every direction on her apartment floor.

Jingo looked up from where he was sleeping and ran to greet his master. "Hey Jingo. Hang on a minute." She winced as her companion tried to greet his master properly. Mac walked to the kitchen collecting the groceries that had come alive and placed everything on the counter. She then bent down and gave her companion a proper hello.

Mac walked into her bedroom, undressed and slipped into her short red silk robe. She tied it securely and walked back to the living room. Jingo had once again fallen asleep at the foot of the couch, acknowledging her entrance to the room with only a slight wag of his tail. She lit a fire in the fireplace, plugged her small tree in and then realized how harsh all the lights she had turned on had made the apartment appear. She turned them all off and lit all the candles she always had scattered throughout the apartment. Her internal clock told her she had plenty of time before Harm would arrive. Time for a cup of coffee and some piece and quiet.

As Mac walked back into the living room, she noticed how lovely and serene the apartment looked bathed in candlelight, firelight and the colored twinkling lights she had placed on the small tree. She decided 12 continuous hours of Christmas Music was not what she was in the mood for, so she turned the radio to CD and picked out some of her favorite country music.


HARM'S CAR
SOMEWHERE IN WASHINGTON, DC
CHRISTMAS EVE
1715HRS (EST)


As Harm drove to Mac's apartment, his resentment grew and the betrayal overwhelmed him. How could he have done that to me! How could he have done that to Mom! We loved him and waited all those years for him! What if he hadn't died! Would he have left his son and wife anyway! Are there more! More half sisters, or half brothers, more mistresses! I risked everything to find you! My career! My life! Mac's life!

"What the hell is wrong with me." He shouted with rage. This wasn't like him. He never let his emotions consume and unravel his rationality. He had always been able to control his emotions, so they would never penetrate the military composure he wore like shield.

Harm pulled over and parked, his hands shaking so badly he could no longer drive. He found himself shuddering uncontrollably. His eyes misted as he tried to make sense of what the man he idolized had done. There was no forgiveness the small boy within him shouted! He betrayed our love, our loyalty and our memories! Harm couldn't stand the confines of his vehicle any longer; he got out and started walking the few blocks to his destination.


MACS APARTMENT
GEORGETOWN, DC
CHRISTMAS EVE
1800HRS (EST)


The temperature had dropped drastically and the snow had started falling heavily, but Harm felt nothing only his uncontrollable rage and betrayal. He had lost the father he loved and idolized for a third time. This time he was truly afraid he would never get him back.

Harm stopped at the front of Mac's apartment recovering some of his famous composure. He had to talk to Mac. She would know the right things to say to help him gain respect again for the father he still loved. Help him focus on what was important. He was so glad she had come back to him again, as he finally admitted to himself how much he needed her. How much she meant to him.

Mac was in the kitchen when she heard the knock on her door. Who the hell could that be! She still had to get dinner started and get dressed. She didn't what anything to spoil this evening.

Mac opened the door. She was greeted by the same brilliant smile she had so learned to love, but the eyes that had left her breathless were vacant.

"Harm, your early...are you OK? "It's not Gram...It's not Trish...?" She trailed off with relief when she saw him shake his head slowly.

"No...No...They are all fine...I just missed...Thought I would come over early and see if I could save the meal." He smiled weakly as he walked past her into the apartment. Harm berated himself. Why couldn't he just tell her he had missed her desperately, he couldn't wait to see her and that he needed her more than he thought he could possibly need another person?

"Very funny stickboy! Since you are 2 hours and 18 minutes early why don't you just relax and stay out of the way. I have everything under control.".. Except my heart, Mac thought, you took that from me from our very first hello.

Jingo was going crazy by this point, trying to get Harm's attention and affection. Harm handed Mac this cover and overcoat and knelt by Jake. He grabbed the dog and buried his face in his coat. They both stayed in that position, until Jingo decided enough was enough and went back to his nap. This time finding a comfortable spot in front of the fireplace.

Mac felt the wetness of his coat and realized he had been out in the weather for quite sometime. When he stood and turned to face her, his eyes were the eyes of a wounded animal caught in the headlights of an oncoming car.

Something was very wrong! She felt it! It was almost impossible for Mac to restraint herself from wrapping her arms around him to comfort him. But she gathered all her Marine strength and ushered him calmly to the ottoman she had positioned in front of the fireplace. "Harm sit here and try to warm up. I'll get us some coffee and then you're going to tell me what the hell is wrong."

"Thanks Mac," Was all that he said lamely.

Harm watched as Mac made her way back with the coffee. God she was so beautiful! Her red silk robe was catching the twinkling of the Christmas lights and the candlelight gave her olive skin a glow. Her deep brown eyes danced bathed in firelight. There was a warmth starting to creep throughout his body as he watched her, remembering the kiss in Norfolk, the near kiss in Columbia, the electricity between them in his office after her father's death, the feelings he saw in her eyes in the Appalachian Mountains and the tears she shed in his arms when he left.

Mac handed Harm his cup and sat on the floor in front of the fire close to Jingo. "Harm, talk to me. Tell me what's wrong."

Jolted back to reality, Harm didn't know where to begin. But once he started his thoughts and feelings flowed like the worse floods of a violent thunderstorm. His father's mistress, his sister, that night on the USS Ticonderoga, his bitterness, his betrayal, his disappointment. All the events and emotions came pouring out in one overwhelming wave.

They both sat silently when Harm was finished, just watching the fire and listening to the soft sounds coming from the stereo. Finally Harm spoke. "Has it been a lie all these years? We had thought how lonely it was for him on that tour without us. How lonely his last Christmas must have been. I remember that Christmas because it was the one that made us realize that he might never return to us. Now to know that he was in the arms of another woman with whom he shared a child!" Harm leaned forward resting his elbows on his knees, head bowed, completely spent by all his emotions.

Mac looked at Harm. She needed to gather all her strength to keep her promise to the 'presence' that came to her in her most difficult hours. She had to trust the truth in his words. For the first time in the last 4 years Sarah Mackenzie wished she was someone else. She wished she was Diane! She sadly realized that she would have to settle on whatever Harm could give her, because he would always be in her heart. He was the only one who really knew her, cared about her and in his own way needed her. He made her feel whole. He had told her the dreams of Diane had stopped since she was in California, maybe just maybe...No he would never think of her like that. Never!

Harm stood and walked to the window. The snow had stopped and everything outside appeared unnatural to him. Harm leaned his head against the cold windowpane trying desperately to gain back some reason concerning the father he loved. "He may have been an officer, but he was no gentleman." Harm stated with so much bitterness.

Mac snapped to attention when she heard his words. She stood up rage shaking every part of her body. She stormed to where he was standing and spun him around with all her strength.

"How dare you say that!" She screamed at him trying to gain some composure so she could continue. "It was a terrible war Harm that made men do the unthinkable! Your father was a brave and courageous aviator who gave his life for his country with dignity and honor. How dare you judge him so unfairly for a momentary indiscretion! He loved you and your mother with all his heart. I heard that in his voice when you played his tapes for me. Jenny Lake was a surrogate for your mother that Christmas Eve, just like your father was her surrogate for David. They found a moment of happiness amongst all the death and despair that war brings into our lives. Wasn't I your surrogate for Diane when you kissed me on the pier in Norfolk after finding her killer! How dare you judge him! I almost lost my life in Russia for the man you honored for 30 years and now I have to listen to your childish ranting! He was as much an officer and a gentleman as I know his son is and I never want to hear you say anything to the contrary ever again!" Mac fell silent and just glared at Harm.

Harm stood in shock listening to her words and knowing she was right, but also knowing he couldn't get rid of his doubts that easily. He had never seen Mac this angry or passionate about anything, let alone a man she had never met. His emotions exploded within him. He stepped forward and roughly grabbed her by the shoulders and stared at her with disbelief.

"You don't understand..." He started to shout, but she cut him short as she tried to pull away from him.

"No Commander, it is you who does not understand and I feel very sorry for you." Mac felt the tears start to stream down her cheeks and she was horrified at losing control once again in front of him.

Harm loosened his grip as all she said started to sink in, but he found he just couldn't let her go. He tenderly reached and wiped the tears from her cheeks and pulled her closer to him, until he could feel her breath on his face, her body against his and her scent cloaking any rational thoughts.

Struggling with her inner most emotions, Mac felt Harm tighten his grip and lift her to him pushing her body hard to his as he braced himself against the windowsill. Her silk robe slipped off her shoulders and Harm realized she was naked under the robe except for the silk panties that protected her inner most secrets.

He lightly brushed his lips against her right cheek and planned to do the same to the left, but she stirred at that exact moment and he found his lips on hers. Breathlessly he deepened his kiss, as he felt her lips respond by slightly parting, giving him the access he wanted; the access he blindly needed. As his tongue found the soft recesses of her mouth, he heard a soft moan escape through her elevated breathing and felt her tremble in his arms. Tantalized by the soft scent of her perfume and the warmth of her against him, he felt propelled to get her closer to him. He dropped his hands from the vise like grip he had on her shoulders and moved them to the silken strands of her hair and the soft curve of her back and pulled her closer.

Mac's mind was screaming at her to stop! Her heart ignored what her mind was telling her, as it willed her body closer to him as she wrapped her arms securely around his neck, pulling his mouth more firmly to hers. She needed to be engulfed by him and needed to feel him everywhere. She felt she couldn't get close enough! She had lost her mind! What the hell was she doing! She didn't care why they had ended up like this she just couldn't let him go, as the warmth of his body numbed the last sensibility she possessed. She didn't care anymore who he thought she was.

Harm felt the heat of his body putting him in overload. Like a jet engine running full throttle in confined quarters, he thought he was going to self- combust. She was soft, and warm and her closeness paralyzed him to all reality. He needed this! He needed her! He found his hand running the length her, his senses savoring every touch. His hand traced her bare thigh, lifting the soft silk of her robe as his hand passed to her waist and them continued upward. He caressed the soft skin of her jaw line as his hand moved to trace the curves of her throat and her bare shoulders. As he moved sensually downward again, his hand grazed the soft fullness of her breast. The action and his reaction inflamed him and he lost all the reason and composure he had left. He needed to feel all of her, as he fumbled with the sash that held her robe in place.

Mac's senses followed all Harm's movements; never once letting her mouth leave his. She stirred against him with every touch, wanting him to understand the pleasure he was evoking in her. As she felt him reach for her robe's sash, she reached for his hand and stopped him. Very gently she ended their kiss as she pulled slightly away, listening to the husky groan of displeasure that escaped from him. Her survival instincts told her it wasn't the time or place for this to go any further. They still had too much to settle between them. His confused emotions over the past months had probably fueled what had happened and she didn't what him to regret his actions when he came to his senses. She didn't want the friendship that they had rebuild to be jeopardized.

Mac rested herself comfortably against his chest, listening to his heart racing and feeling his arms move around her waist. She begged him to understand her actions. She didn't want him to think she was just a tease. Stop it Mac! This isn't Dalton! It is the Harm you missed and it is the Harm you love with all your heart! Yes, it was and she would take whatever he was willing to give her. She would make him as happy as he allowed her to, because anything was better than the living hell she had survived for the past months. His friendship if that was all he offered would be enough and she would will herself to carry her love for him silently in her heart, until he was ready, if ever, to commit to more.

The sexual tension around them was still strangling the air and threatening to take them over the edge again. Harm tried to regain the rhythm of his breathing as he held her. It had gone way too far and a part of him was glad she had the good sense to stop him. The other part of him felt empty, wounded, and lonely for the intimate feel of her. He willed himself and found his voice "Mac, I'm..." His words trailed off as he saw her eyes look up at him and he felt the gentle touch of her fingers on his lips.

"Harm, please don't say your sorry, because I'm not. Please don't say this should have never happened, because I am glad it did. And please promise me you will never tell me who you were kissing tonight." Mac felt him pull away slightly and look intensely into her eyes.

Harm tried to gauge from her expression why she had asked him to promise that. When he saw the pleading conviction in her eyes, he rested her back against his chest and stroked her hair. "If that is what you want Mac, I promise." Harm signed.

They stood in each other's arms silently for awhile longer. Quietly listening to the beating of each other's hearts. They both knew that on their road back to friendship something more fragile had finally surfaced. Feelings that they might explore one day. But now was not the time.

Mac pulled reluctantly away adjusting her robe. She felt Harm's arms resisting her movement, but she knew she had to put some distance between them.

"Harm, I'm going to get dinner started." Mac walked to her bedroom and came back with a pair of jeans and a black turtleneck sweater.

"Why don't you change into these. Take a shower if you like." Mac noticed the expression on Harm's face as she handled him the clothes.

"Brumby's? I don't think they'll fit. He's..." Harm tried to hand the clothes back to Mac.

"Flyboy, don't go there. I don't know how they got here, but they are yours...at least I think they are. Mac smiled as she walked away, never looking back.

Harm showered longer than usual letting the hot water relieve some of the tension from his body. As he dressed he realized the clothes were a perfect fit. They couldn't be Brumby's. They couldn't be Dalton's. Could they be someone elses? Someone else Mac had been intimate with while he was gone? Shake it off Sailor, he told himself. She had every right to see who ever she wanted. You have no hold on her.

When Harm went back into the living room everything was ready. The table was beautifully set, complete with a bottle of wine. He walked into the kitchen to see if he could help. He saw her putting the final touches on the pasta and noticed she had dressed. Thank God, he signed. As she turned, she smiled passing the salad to him and he realized it didn't make a damn bit of difference what she had on because she was still so desirable. Stop it Rabb! You almost crossed that invisible line once tonight. This is Mac! This is your best friend!

"Earth to Harm." Mac walked to him holding the pasta, nudging him and forcing him to back out of kitchen.

They placed everything on the table and sat down to eat. Harm reached for the wine and looked across at her hesitantly.

"Mac you haven't fallen..." He was silenced by the don't go there look again in Mac's eyes.

"No, what I said to you the last time I did was enough to sober me up for eternity. It's for you, not for me." Mac smiled. "Anyway if the pasta sucks maybe the wine won't make you notice."

They both ate in silence occasionally glancing at each other throughout the meal. Words had never been necessary between them. They were glad they were back to the comfort of just being in each other's company, without the need for conversation.

Harm helped Mac clean up after the meal, grabbed two cups of coffee and retreated to the couch. Mac followed him holding a brightly colored package. She sat on the floor by his feet and handed him the package.

"Merry Christmas, Harmon Rabb."

Harm reached into the pocket of his jeans and pulled a small box out and handed it to Mac watching her eyes light up.

"Merry Christmas, Sarah Mackenzie. You first."

Mac carefully un-wrapped the small package. As she opened the small velvet box she noticed the gold initials on the outside "SR". Tears welled up in her eyes as she looked at the delicate marcasite and garnet antique earrings.

"They were Gram's. She wore them on her wedding day. She wanted...we both wanted you to have them." Harm's voice cracked with emotion as he looked at her and saw a single tear slip down her face. He tried to reach out and wipe it away, but Mac stood abruptly and moved away from him.

"Harm, I can't accept these. They should stay in your family. Be given to your..." Mac turned and saw the hurt expression in his eyes.

"If you won't accept them from me...then accept them from Gram. They are hers to give and she wants you to have them."

Mac wiped the tears from her cheeks, succumbed to the pleading in his voice and simply said. "Thank you." She walked to the hall mirror and changed into the earrings. She turned and made her way back to the couch and sat next to Harm.

"Your turn. Open yours."

Harm trembled as he undid the ribbon and tore the wrapping from the box. The emotions from seeing her tender reaction to the gift was pushing him close to the line again. He tried to focus on the task at hand as he lifted the lid from the large box.

Mac watched him brace himself against the back of the couch as he carefully lifted the book from the box. The leather cover held pictures of three generations of naval aviators...his grandfather...his father and himself. The naval insignia and their names were lavishly embossed in gold. Each gold leafed page in the book was a hand painted aviation lithograph, surrounding a related picture of his family with an appropriate caption beneath it.

Harm's heart ached for the memories the book contained and for the love that had so tenderly preserved them in the volume he held his hand. His hands trembled and his eyes couldn't control the tears that started slipping down his cheeks. Lost in the pages, he heard Mac's soft voice break the silence.

"This is who your father was, Harm. This is who you were together. Whatever you learned tonight doesn't change any of that. I just hope when you look through this book you'll see how much he loved all of you always." Mac fell silent, as the emotions of the man she loved overwhelmed her.

He looked at Mac and it was like seeing her for the first time. As he looked at her he experienced feelings that he had never felt before for anyone. Not for Annie, not for Jordan, not even for Diane. Had it always been Mac deep in his heart, the feelings of friendship clouding the feeling of love a man feels for a woman? Was that why all his other relationships ended so badly? Was that why he needed her so desperately? Was that why the thought of her with Brumby pushed him to distraction? Was that why he was jealous of Dalton? Was that why he was jealous of anyone who got close to her? Was that why, till recently, he was afraid to hold her, even in her darkest moments? He took her hand. "Mac how did you do..." Harm's voice broke again with new emotions.

"It looks like your grandmother had a hand in both our Christmas presents this year. When I went to the farm after Del Rio, this book was part of my therapy. You had the biplane after your crash. I had this book to help me heal. After nearly dying...not never having a real family...after Russia...after you left...after Gram's love...I don't know it just seemed like something to do for me...and for you."

"You've been to the War Memorial." It was a statement not a question. Mac, who had been avoiding his eyes finally looked up and locked his gaze with hers.

"Yes, I have. I try to go weekly. After Russia and after you left I have felt your father with me. Sometimes I think I'm going crazy...Harm, I'm sorry if I've intruded into your memories...I just never had any of my own worth remembering."

Harm pulled her into his arms and held her tighter than he had ever held anyone in his life. He heard her weeping as his own tears fell on the nape of her neck. He was crying for his father and for the guilt he felt for doubting his love for them. He wept for the woman in his arms, for all the pain she had endured in her life. And finally he wept for himself for not understanding the feelings he felt for his best friend and for not knowing how she felt about him. He swore to himself, as his tears sub-sided he would never cross the line between love and friendship again with Mac until he sorted out how they truly felt about each other. He would rather die than hurt her like every other man in her life had done in the past.

Harm and Mac stayed in each other's arms as they went through the album. Harm shared memories with her he had shared with no one. They laughed and cried until 0300.

Both exhausted, Harm rose and helped Mac to her feet. "I better get going, it's late." They walked together to the door both sorry the evening was ending. Mac wishing he would stay and Harm wishing he could.

"Merry Christmas, Sarah Mackenzie."

"Merry Christmas, Harmon Rabb."


OUTSIDE MAC'S APARTMENT
WASHINGTON, DC
CHRISTMAS EVE
0300HRS (EST)


The stranger sat in his car enjoying the scene played out in the upstairs window. He could feel the heat of the moment curse through his body. When the actors were lost to his sight, he closed his eyes allowing his mind to feel her touch and her silken body against his. His arousal was evident as he fantasized on all he could do to her. All he would do to her. Tonight Sarah, he whispered, tonight.