Title: Surrogate I - Forever Love
Author: MSHDV, MSHDV@aol.com
Summary: Mac realizes what she has to do where Harm is concerned with the help of a "spiritual" friend.
Disclaimer: JAG characters portrayed belong to JAG, CBS and Paramount Television. No copyright infringement intended. All other characters depicted are purely fictional and any similarities to actual people are purely coincidental.

Author's Notes - This series will be in 7 parts. It has all the characters we love and love to hate! Some of the facts are based on the series...some have been fed by my imagination for the story line. "Forever Love" belongs to Reba McEntire and MCA records.


Surrogate I - Forever Love


Prologue I


  The first time I laid my eyes on you I knew
We'd spend this life side by side
I still feel the same though you're so far away
I swear that you'll always be my

Forever love
I promise you
Someday we'll be together
Forever love
I won't give up
No matter what
I'll be waiting for you
Forever love

Minutes and hours and years may go by
But my heart knows nothing of time
Just keep me right there in your dreams
And hold on to these words of mine

Forever love
I promise you
Someday we'll be together
Forever love
I won't give up
No matter what
I'll be waiting for you
Forever love

Love is the road to our destiny
Nothing can change what is meant to be
And hold on to these words of mine

Forever love
I promise you
Someday we'll be together
Forever love
I won't give up
No matter what
I'll be waiting for you
Forever love



MAC'S CAR
SOMEWHERE IN WASHINGTON, DC
1645HRS (EST)


Lt. Colonel Sarah Mackenzie turned the JAG issue Navy vehicle onto Constitution Avenue and headed for the War Memorial. She was relieved to see that the traffic was light considering it was rush hour and she was running so late. She had had a long day and the night was going to prove to be even longer. They had worked diligently all day, not even stopping for lunch, to prepare for Lieutenant Grady's Article 32 hearing. Because of Grady's impeccable record as a former Navy Seal, the Admiral had made it clear that they would have to insure their defense was more than "exemplary". Since they were replacement counsels and they were given the case after the Article 32 hearing was convened, they were playing catch-up and the Admiral's insinuations concerning a conviction had made them both anxious.

This was the first case that she had been assigned with Harm since his return to JAG, so she was a bit concerned they hadn't gotten their courtroom rhythm back yet. This wasn't like riding a bicycle, you couldn't just get up and brush yourself off and try again. It was a man's life and career on the line. There was no room for error. When Harm had suggested they finish their strategy at his place she had reluctantly agreed. Her apprehension at the suggestion actually surprised her. It reminded her however, that her mind had healed, but that her heart was still filled with the un-returned love she felt for her best friend. Love that had grown uncontrollably when he was with her, when he was away from her, when they fought, when they laughed, when they cried. Two souls so close, yet separated by their pride, their stubbornness, their careers and their obsessions. Brought together by the past and separated by the present.


VIETNAM VETERANS MEMORIAL
WASHINGTON, DC
1700HRS (EST)


Mac parked in the restricted space for government vehicles, turned the ignition off and sat quietly reflecting on the events of the last 7 months. She played over in her mind Harm's departure and the total rejection and emptiness she had felt as they said their good-byes. After two months of crying herself to sleep, of no letters, of no calls from him, she found the strength needed to pick herself up and throw herself into her work. The few brotherly emails from him dulled her desires, so all that was left was an ache for him that surfaced only in her most private moments. She had lived the life of a nun, cloistered in her loneliness with dreams that never were and that would never be. Her solitary life fed a tenacity that was unrivaled in the courtroom, regaining the Admiral's trust and earning her an accelerated promotion. It was just a matter of time before she would be officially named the Admiral's Chief of Staff. This was her life now and if it meant she would go through it without the man she loved and needed so desperately, she would survive. After all, nobody really dies from a broken heart.

The Colonel walked her way through the crowds of people that were lined against the War Memorial. Some people were praying, some people were crying, all were silently wishing they could change the past and bring their loved ones back to them for one last moment in time. Mac hurried along the path to her destination, knowing the exact spot to stop as she felt the strong presence. She had come down this path often since her return from Del Rio, Texas. While she was recovering in the hospital, he had come to her for the first time willing her body to heal with his strength and courage. As her drug induced coma started to dissipate she had first thought it was the son who had come to her. But as the medication wore off and her mind cleared she realized it was the father that had saved her with the soft words spoken in Russian.

That was the first time he had come to her, but not the last time he helped her deal with the solitude of her life. Each time Mac's strength faltered, despair consumed her or danger knocked on her door, he was always there. At first she was frightened that she was losing her mind, but soon she found herself seeking his presence. She mentioned her experiences to no one. Not because she cared if anyone would think she was crazy seeing visions and hearing voices, but because she was afraid the visions would stop and she would be completely alone again.

The Colonel placed the single red rose at the foot of the memorial by his name. She ran her fingers over the name etched in the cold granite and stopped when she reached the diamond shape and the date of death that had just recently been added. She proudly saluted and whispered. "Semper Fi." As she turned and walked back to her car, she again felt the warmth that had sheltered her on so many cold lonely nights. "Time and distance Sarah. The distance is gone and now you must give him some time to recognize the truth. You must help him find himself again. The road will be a difficult one for both of you, but what you will find at the end will be worth all the hurtful obstacles placed in both your paths." The words came on the wind that swirled around the memorial. Mac shuddered even in the warmth of his presence and found herself signing the very simple words. "I hope your right Sir. I'll do my best. I promise."


HARM'S APARTMENT
NORTH OF UNION STATION
1830HRS (EST)


Harm awaited Mac's arrival with an uneasy anticipation. They had done this a thousand times in the past and yet everything was different since his to JAG. As he busied himself with mundane tasks normally reserved as a punishment, he wished the last 7 months had been different. He never regretted the opportunity to change his designator and return to flight status, but he regretted the distant it had put between himself and his best friend. He couldn't understand all the unanswered letters and phone calls. Harm knew Mac was upset with him for leaving, but he also knew she was the only one that had really understood. He had rarely seen her cry like that and the tears she shed as they said good-bye touched him profoundly. But his blind obsession to prove his ability as a Naval Aviator had blurred the fact that he was leaving Mac too and all they had shared through the years. Harm signed as he tried to shake the feeling that he had closed and bolted the door on their friendship forever.

Harm replayed the last 4 weeks since his return. He felt like an outsider, as if he had been away a hundred years. He knew he was back on track professionally, but personally his relationships were a 1; on a scale of 1 to 10. The friendship and closeness Mac developed with Brumby since his absence made his blood run cold and drove him to distraction. He had never cared for nor trusted the cocky Australian, but the thought of he and Mac together as friends or lovers drove him almost over the edge. His reaction to the two of them in his old office his first day back, had pushed him to call Jordan and try to ignite that old flame. Jordan was colder than he ever remembered when she came to see him and tell him she was leaving for Spain. Maybe he would wait till she returned and attempt to reason with her again. The two of them had shared some good times, which definitely had out weighted the bad. Harm would just wait and see.

As he made his way to the kitchen to put on a pot of coffee, Harm heard the soft knock at his door. When he opened the door he saw Mac in full uniform. Taken aback a bit, he had to snipe at her before wrestling the pizza box from her hands.

"So tell me Colonel, do you sleep in that uniform since your promotion?" Harm watched her closely as a small smile crossed her lips.

"You'll never know Commander." Mac quipped as she walked passed him and deposited her briefcase on the floor by the coffee table. "Unless it is in your dreams."

"Didn't I tell you once you wouldn't want to be in my dreams?" Harm chided her and offered her his best smile. "Let me find you something to change into. We have a lot to get through tonight and I want you to be comfortable and not fidgeting all night. I believe I still have some of Jordie's things here."

"Cut the crap Commander. Let's eat and get down to business. It is going to be a long night before we both feel comfortable enough to conduct the proper defense for Lieutenant Grady." Mac kicked off her shoes and made her way to the kitchen to get a bottle of water and rummage through his cabinets for the fixings that would make her pizza perfect. Everything was still in his cabinets in the exact same place as the last time she was there so long ago.

Harm smiled as he watched her come back to the living room carrying an arm full of condiments and the bottle of water. Just as Mac went to plop everything on the table, the large water bottle cap popped and all broke free from her grasp and soaked her completely. Mac fell to her knees, unable to control her laughter.

Harm walked to her side with a roll of paper towels also unable to control his own laughter at the sight of her. "Now, Colonel will you take me up on my offer?"

"Fine." She responded trying to make her voice as stern as possible. "Just be sure it's nothing with teddy bears and hearts on it." Great, Mac thought to herself. Not only was she alone with Harm, but she had to also suffer through the indignation of wearing Commander Parker's clothes. Well, it beat feeling and looking like a drowned rat.

Harm headed to his bedroom and rifled through the bottom draw of his dresser. Coming back into the room with a pair of faded jeans and a red tee shirt, he noticed that her uniform jacket was already draped over the chair in the dining area. Distracted he watched her apprehensively, as she removed her blouse from the waistband of her skirt. Looking away he handed her the clothes. "Well, I know the jeans will fit, but the top is another story."

"Are you insinuating that I am fat?" Mac turned him with a soft touch and pinned him with her eyes as she took the offered garments.

"Well, the Beetle Burgers have apparently taken their toll, but I don't think Jordie is as well endowed as you are in certain places." Harm looked away not wanting to discuss Mac's perfect body openly with her. God had certainly given her the best he had to offer. He was a man after all and she was a woman and he had noticed every time he saw her how well put together she was. Especially in civilian clothes. Shake it off Sailor, he told himself. This was Mac, not one of your...

Mac huffed off and headed to the bathroom to change. She had to smile to herself when she recalled Harm's comments. Well endowed! She had never thought he had ever looked at her like that. The words spoken at the War Memorial came back to her. Time was something that could be taken away as freely as it was given. She decided there and then she would do all she could to accelerate the trip to the end of that road they were destined to go down together.

Mac removed all her Marine attire, with the exception of her dog tags. She slipped the jeans up over her hips and found them to be a perfect fit. The top on the other hand was another story. She hadn't noticed before that it was a short midriff "thing" that left her quite exposed. The fact that the size of her breasts made it even shorter didn't help. Hell, he had seen her in less she thought. She had to admit she wanted to see his reaction to the skimpy outfit, something so out of character for her. Well flyboy you asked for it, she smiled to herself. She opened the door, shut the light and tried to put the most neutral expression on her face as she walked back into the living room. It was time for the acceleration process to begin and if it meant playing sexual mind games with Harm she would do what it took.

Harm had just finished cleaning up the impromptu flood in his living room when he heard Mac re-enter the room. He turned ready to tease her further about her clumsiness, but his voice faltered when he caught sight of her. What stood before him was not Mac the Marine, but Mac the woman. The jeans were a tight fit hugging every part of her perfect body. The red top ended just below her breasts, leaving her flat midriff completely exposed. Her dog tags hanging on the outside of the top further accentuated what God had so amply given her. She had washed her face and had reapplied lipstick to her full lips. He had never seen her more appealing, more beautiful, sexier. He felt his body tense and a blush start to creep up to his face. Things had certainly changed Harm thought as he tried to regain his composure at the sight of her. He tore his eyes from her and turned away trying to prevent her from seeing his discomfort or his intense reaction.

But it was too late. Mac reveled in Harm's reaction as she watched his eyes explore every part of her body, slowly and sensually. She felt herself weaken. So much for propriety she thought. She had gotten the reaction she wanted and then some.

"Now that you have pampered yourself Marine, what do you say we eat and get started. We have a long night ahead of us." Harm was thankful that he had gotten his voice back. Yea, a long night with Mac looking like that. Christ how did he get himself into this?

"Hey, flyboy. This was your idea remember." Mac replied seductively. "I wouldn't have thought this was a Jordan outfit." She added not wanting his discomfort to end.

"She never looked like you do in it." Harm mumbled his reply. Watch it he thought to himself. Don't reveal too much. He prayed silently that he would get used to the new Mac and things would be back to normal. He had to admit to himself however he wasn't quite sure what normal was anymore when it came to her.

"Better or worse?" Mac wasn't ready to let the subject drop.

"Better or worse...then what?" Harm was only half listening, concentrating all his efforts on trying to avoid looking in her direction again. "Let's eat."

Mac signed and shook her head as she walked to the couch and curled herself up in one corner conscious that he was watching her every move. She grabbed a piece of pizza, loading it with all the condiments she had brought from the kitchen before the flood. She also grabbed the first case file and started to review the witness statements.

Harm sat on the other side of couch leaning his frame against the arm facing Mac. They worked for hours each engrossed in the task at hand, discussing their strategy for the upcoming trial, making notes and each drawing on the other's legal skills. Occasionally they stole glances at each other. Mac couldn't help but admire the litigator who sat across from her. Harm had not lost a beat over the last 7 months and was more than versed on recent trial decisions that could possibly help their upcoming case.

They had obviously not lost their rhythm as partners either and were still able to anticipate each other's arguments by complimenting the other's strategies instinctively. Mac admired the man Harm was too, for his strength and courage and for always following his convictions to find the truth. Personally and professionally he was all he could be. She knew his return to JAG had been difficult, finally having to admit his 8-year dream of returning to active flight status was over. She regretted not making his return easier, but after tonight she knew she would change that. Mac wanted him back to her on any terms. His friendship, support and strength were much more important to her then her pride. If it had to be as it had been, she would bury her desire for him deep within the silent tomb of her heart. After all, she had done that for 4 years already. Hadn't she. If you can't find your way to me Commander, I'll find my way to you. There would be no more rain in her heart...she would have her day and she would help him see the love she was so sure now he had for her buried deep inside.

Harm studied the most recent case file and leaned back rubbing his eyes. He glanced at Mac, who was furiously jotting notes on a legal pad. Where had this beautiful woman come from he thought? Was she there all the time and he just hadn't noticed her? No she had changed over the last 7 months. She had apparently come to grips with the demons from her past and had conquered them. She was confident, successful and at peace with whom she finally was. Her desire to find the truth had always equaled his own. He trusted her with his life and she had always been there when he needed her, never wavering from his convictions no matter what she personally thought of them. But when had she become the sensual being that sat across from him? She was someone you'd want to make love to, not just have sex with. Someone who could pleasure you with her body and her quick mind and someone you could explore heatedly. Could Brumby had developed her into this sensual being with his friendship, his touches, his love making? Could he have given her the one thing Harm had never? Harm choked on the last thought and a verbal groan came to his lips as he stood to shake the thought.

"Harm, are you OK?" Mac asked as she heard the sound that escaped his lips as he suddenly stood. She looked up concern written on her face.

"Yea, I'm fine. Just a cramp. I'll put on some more coffee." Harm hurried to the kitchen without looking at her, afraid she would be able to read his thoughts and see his feelings pour from his eyes. Feelings he couldn't explain, as he didn't quite understand them himself. The one thing he knew was that he would have to get her friendship back. The dull ache in his personal life was endless without her.

Harm stood in the kitchen waiting for the coffee to brew, not wanting to go back to her until he further composed himself. It was not like him to lose emotional control over anything. The ability to keep his emotions in check had always been something he prided himself on. Maybe he had held them in check once too often and that is why Mac had turned to Brumby as a lover? What the hell was he thinking he thought miserably. He didn't know that they were lovers and he didn't know how he felt about Mac, other then he was sure he needed them to be as they once were. He was tired and his thoughts were starting to blur in his mind. The one thing that he did know was that he had to clear the air concerning his leaving and find out why his letters and phone calls went unanswered during his tour. Harm poured the coffee, grabbed the two cups and headed to the living room deciding the time had come to have that discussion.

Mac was emotionally spent. Preparation for the trial had exhausted her and the sexual innuendoes she had thrown in Harm's direction all night through her movements had taken more energy than she had anticipated. She was not accustomed to playing sexual games, because she had never wanted to in the past. She normally thought of the women who did play cat and mouse as unfocused, desperate airheads. She smiled to herself as she remembered the heated look on Harm's face when he first saw her come out of the bathroom. Mac curled up in the corner of the couch and let the memory of his eyes exploring every part of her body lulled her into a peaceful sleep.

Harm noticed Mac's restful position as he re-entered the living room and walked to the couch. He placed the coffee cups on the table and sat on the couch closer to her then he had dared to do earlier while she was awake. He turned the lights down and watched her sleep. She was more beautiful then he had ever remembered. How often had he seen her like this? On more occasions then he could count she had come to him to protect him from himself, to comfort him, to work with him and had ended up spending the night on his couch. How many times he had wakened to find her gone the next day without a word. What had he done in return? He left her alone in the desert with the Bedouins. He had endangered her life in Russia to chase his father's memory. He let her almost get raped in the Appalachian Mountains. He made her turn to Farrow, with his mistrust. He left her hurting to follow his dream and he had called her Bobbi when she called for his help after Ragle's death. Mac was no angel, but most of her faults had been induced by the past horrors of her life. His selfishness, pride, stubbornness and arrogance had induced his faults.

Harm knew he was too close to her as the warmth of her body inflamed his. He leaned tentatively towards her to move a strand of hair from her face before he retreated to the other side of the couch. As he touched her face, Mac stirred with a sign and moved closer to him resting her head on his chest and tucking one arm under her and the other across his lap. Harm froze at her touch. Not wanting to disturb her nor wanting to end the contact, he stretched his long legs on the coffee table and adjusted her more firmly against him by wrapping his arm around her shoulders. His body was on fire as his mind tried to comprehend the reaction his body was having to her closeness. They had done this so many times before but his reactions had never been so intense, so unrecognizable. Things were definitely different.

Mac drifted contentedly into a safe, comfortable and warm place. She heard the heartbeat, she felt the warmth of the breath in her hair, and she felt the hard muscled form beneath her as she moved her hand to encircle the waist. Comfort and security like she had never felt filled her mind and body. She tightened her Arm around the waist attempting to get closer and loose herself in the soothing comfort. She felt the fingers tenderly run up her arm and felt the hand come to rest on her shoulder. Fear suddenly grasped at her subconscious. Was she going insane...first visions...then voices...and now touches? But when she heard the voice and the spoken words reality pulled her to her senses.

"I'm sorry Mac. I never meant to hurt you when I left. We should have talked on the carrier that day. I wish I knew what happened to us." Harm felt her stir and let his words trail off.

Mac opened her eyes and focused on where she was. She was with the son not the father this time. She bolted upright standing abruptly trying to focus. "I'm sorry I thought you were..." She half mumbled the thought and wished she had caught the words before they came out. She saw the look of hurt in Harm's eyes.

"You thought I was who Mac? Who did you think I was? Brumby? Is that who?" Harm stood next to her trying to control the anger and frustration. He had to know. They had tip toed around the issue for too long. "Are you sleeping with him." He watched her reaction carefully, hoping he didn't hear the answer he feared.

They had discussed Brumby many times before, but the direct question caught her off guard. Mac tried to organize her thoughts before she spoke this time. Her hesitation in answering and the time she took to form the proper response gave Harm the answer he feared.

"You are aren't you? Mac, how could you? What were you thinking? When I left and you thought you lost our friendship, did you turn to him as a surrogate? Brumby, damn it Mac." Harm choked the words out moving to stare out the window. He braced himself on the window jam and ran his hand distractedly through his hair.

Though a part of her enjoyed the fit of jealousy he was exhibiting, she knew this game had gone too far. She walked to his side touching his shoulder hesitantly causing him to turn towards her. "Harm, I told you once before that my personal relationships, where you are concerned are on a need to know Basis...Mac was cut short as he turned and interrupted her.

"A yes or no is all I need to know. Spare me the details." Harm blurted out as he stared intensely at her.

"No." Mac saw him relax a bit as she tried to keep her foolish pride from surfacing and getting the better of her. "I did turn to him for friendship when you left and we have gotten very close. Mic is not who or what you think he is Harm. I won't say I haven't thought about sleeping with him, nor that the opportunities haven't presented themselves. He has wanted a relationship, but I told him I wasn't ready. If you and I expect to get back what we had in the past you need to trust my judgment and me again. We do need to talk about all that has happened over the last 7 months. We need to clear the air and I need to tell you..." Mac's sentence was cut short as the tense silence surrounding them was broken by the knock on the door and Jordan Parker's voice.

Mac signed and shook her head at the interruption. She turned silently and moved towards the bathroom. Harm grabbed her arm trying to stop her. "Mac, don't leave. We need to finish this. It can't wait."

Mac turned to him and saw the pleading in his eyes. "Apparently it will have to wait. Answer the door Harm." She turned and walked to the bathroom closing the door behind her. Another precious moment in time lost.

Harm walked to the door distractedly and opened it; his anger and frustration had been replaced by disappointment. He wanted so desperately to clear the air between Mac and himself and quiet the dull ache that he had felt since his return. Now it would have to wait yet again. How much more time would he have before he lost her forever?

"Harm, I'm so sorry for coming over so late and without calling. After our conversation here the last time, I realized I needed to talk to you." Jordan walked passed him and into the room not noticing his distraction. As she entered the living room, she saw the case folders scattered on the table, the pair of shoes and briefcase on the floor by the table and the two full coffee cups on the table. Her again, Jordan thought to herself angrily. Just then she heard the bathroom door open and saw Mac enter the room.

"Harm, I'm so sorry. Perhaps this isn't a good time to talk." Jordan voiced her words hurriedly keeping the sweet tone in her voice even.

Harm was about to confirm her assumption and get her the hell out of there. He wanted to finish what he had started with Mac. He didn't need Jordan playing mind games with his head, not tonight. As he started to respond to Jordan's statement, he heard Mac answer.

"No Jordan. Please stay. I was just about to leave. The Commander and I can finish the last bit of business some other time." Mac slipped into her shoes gathered her things and headed to the door. As she reached the door, which Harm still held open she leaned to him and whispered. "Surrogate to Surrogate."

With that last statement she left him to Jordan. Harm was angry with Mac for letting Jordan interrupt them and leaving. Well, this was not the end of it by Bo means! They had started on the trip back tonight and he was damn sure he would get to his destination. He wasn't going to let her end her trip with Brumby! What the hell was happening to him he thought! He needed time by himself! Time to think, to feel, to recover from the feel of her against him and the images that those feelings had evoked in his mind.

"Harm, are you OK. Can we talk now." Harm felt Jordan's touch on his arm. He shut the door and walked with into the apartment.


OUTSIDE HARM'S APARTMENT
NORTH OF UNION STATION
2345HRS (EST)


The Stranger watched the Colonel exit from the building and make her way to her car. He had seen Mac go up. He had seen Jordan go up. He smiled to himself. That stupid son-of-a-bitch aviator had made the wrong choice again! I'll show him, he thought to himself. Soon Sarah, very soon.


MAC'S CAR
SOMEWHERE IN WASHINGTON, DC
0030HRS (EST)


Mac lost in thought maneuvered the deserted streets toward home. Her new found realizations playing over and over again in her head. Her conviction strong. Her path clearly defined. She had waited almost 5 years, in the background of his life, hiding her feelings for him as if they would poison them if they came to the surface. Enough was enough! She now knew that he held the same feelings for her hidden somewhere behind that cool armor plated facade he wore like a shield. She would get back their friendship at any cost and turn that into the love they both needed so desperately. She'd play any game he wanted...to make him realize the truth.

Mac recalled the words Harm spoke to her that day a lifetime ago lost in the Appalachian Mountains when she couldn't go on any further. "What do you mean, you can't? You're a Marine. Come on Mac. What happened to that gung ho, semper fi, kick ass jarhead I used to know? Don't let me down now Mac. We've made it this far. Damn it. This is precisely why we shouldn't allow women in combat 'cause you know when it comes to the clinch you know their going to fall apart. If you were a real Marine."

As she turned into the parking space in front of her building she signed contentedly to herself as she got out of the car. "OK flyboy, you asked for it". The wind picked up in a warming gentle breeze that surrounded her. "Atta girl, Marine. Give him something to think about!"