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He's Mr. Home Hardware, he's Mr. Canadian Tire,
Can't wait for the mail to pick up those colourful flyers;
He's got all kinds of gadgets in a workshop that looks mighty cool,
Mr. Do-It-Yourself with an arsenal of ten thousand tools.
It if rattles, he glues it.
If it separates, he screws it.
If it breaks off he glue guns it on.
If there's a problem, he licks it, 'cause he's Mr. Fix-It,
He loves it when something goes wrong.
He's got all kinds of rigouts to keep himself physically fit,
He faithfully uses them once, then in the basement they sit;
Never questions or wonders if it's all just a scam or a fad,
After one single workout, wants to look like the man in the ad.
If it pedals, he'll try it.
If it treadmills, he'll buy it.
If it vibrates he'll hand out the cash.
When his house gets too cluttered his wife moans and mutters,
And most of it is thrown out as trash.
He's got a vegetable garden that measures only twenty feet square,
But he owns more garden equipment than the country of Zaire;
Super high-speed, deluxe garden gadgets that stand to the test,
And the latest in poisons to destroy undesirable pests.
If it wriggles, he'll spray it.
If it slithers, he'll slay it.
He's proud of his harvest, he thinks that it's marvelous,
Five dollars he's probably saved.
Now, his greatest of passions is gathering up good fishing gear,
To go out to the lake for one day every five or six years;
He'll tell you his efforts will result in some food on his plate,
But we know he will never recover the worth of his bait.
If it sparkles, he'll try it.
If it glitters, he'll apply it.
if it rotates, he's wildly impressed.
No matter what the price is, he loves these devices,
And displays them all over his vest.
