Where Is Jesus?


A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred for real.

He asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know, I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

Little Johnny said, "Well . . . every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Good Lord, are you still in there?!"





The Baby Camel

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom, why have I got these huge three-toed feet?"

The mother replies, "Well, son, when we trek across the desert, your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand."

A few minutes later, the young camel asks, "Mom, why have I got these long eyelashes?"

"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert."

"Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back?"

"They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods."

"So, we have huge feet to stop us from sinking, long eyelashes to keep the sand out of our eyes and these humps to store water."

"Yes, dear."

"So why are we in the San Diego Zoo?"





A Devilish Question

Two youngsters were walking home from Sunday School, each deep in his own thoughts. Finally one said, "What do you think about all this devil business we studied today?"

The other boy replied thoughtfully, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. This is probably just your Dad, too."



A Child's Prayer

A mother was teaching her three-year-old The Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, the child repeated it after the mother. Then one night the child was ready to solo.

The mother listened with pride to the carefully enunciated words, right up to the end. "And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail . . . "



The Convention

Bill, Jim & Scott were at a convention together & were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken & they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.

  Bill said to Jim & Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way."

  At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes & Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing & Scott began to tell sad stories.

  "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!!!"



Little Bobby

Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.

  His grandmother remarked..."doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?"   Bobby said, "Yes, God did it AND he did it left handed."

  This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?"

  "Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!"



Sweeping

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."



The Shopping Texan

A Texan and his wife were on a trip to New York. She had just finished showering to dress for dinner and noticed that she had neglected to pack her bras. She asked her husband to go down to the dress shop in the lobby and pick up a couple of 36-C bras.

He said, "Ah'l go down raht now." So he put on his ten gallon hat and went to the shop.

The saleslady said, "May I help you sir?"

When he told her that he wanted two 36-C bras, she asked, "Would you like two Playtex?"

He answered, "Ah'd luv ta little lady, but mah wife's a'waitin fur me up in the room."



Last Chance

An attorney was on his deathbed in the hospital. When a friend came to visit, he found the lawyer frantically leafing through the Bible. "What are you doing?" the visitor asked.

The sick lawyer replied, "Looking for loopholes."



        
The Bible Lesson

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"


The String

A string walks into a bar and orders a drink. Looking at the string, the bartender said, "Sorry, we don't serve strings." "What? That stinks," said the string. So the string walks into the bathroom and ties himself up and messes up his ends. A couple moments later he comes back out and approaches the bar again and again orders a drink. "Hey, aren't you that string?" asks the bartender. "Nope. I'm a frayed knot."



What's Your Bid?

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.

Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"

"Don't worry," said the Auctioneer. "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"



The Little Girl

The little girl was sitting in her grandfather's lap as he read her a goodnight story. From time to time, she would take her eye's off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. By and by she was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.

Finally she spoke, "Granddaddy, did God make you?"

"Yes, sweetheart" he answered, "God made me a long time ago."

"Oh she said," then "Granddaddy, did God make me too?"

"Yes, indeed honey" he assured her. "God made you just a little while ago."

"Oh" she said. Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it now isn't he?"



Oops!

A middle-age woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. On the operating table, she has a near-death experience.

During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live.

Upon her recovery, she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She figures since she's got another 30 years, she might as well make the most of it.

She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital. She arrives in front of God and complains, "I thought you said I had another 30 years."

God replies, "I didn't recognize you."



Adopted

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.

  The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.

  "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."



The Weather Forecast

An old Indian chief was famous for predicting what the weather would do. A group of people went up to the chief and asked him, "What will the weather be like tomorrow?" The chief replied, "Much rain. Very wet."

The next day, it did rain and it was very wet. Some more people went up to the chief and asked, "What will the weather be like tomorrow?" "Much snow. Very cold."

Sure enough, it snowed and it was very cold. The next day, people were so impressed with this, they asked him another time. Chief," they asked, "what will the weather do tomorrow?"

The chief replied, "I dunno. Radio broken."



The Nearsighted Minister

A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher. The note read: Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety. Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing: Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety.



Just Lazy

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."



The Family Bible

A small boy opened the big old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the very old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's suit!"



Penance

A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.

"What did you take?" his priest asked.

"Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake."

"This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?"

"No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber!"



Out Of The Mouths Of Babes

Two boys from the city were on a camping trip. The mosquitoes were so fierce the boys had to hide under their blankets to keep from being bitten.    Then one of them saw some lightning bugs, and said to his friend: "we might as well give up, they're coming at us with flashlights!"



A blonde Joke

A blonde went to her mail box several times way before it was time for the mailman to make his rounds.  A neighbor noticed her repeated trips to the curb and asked if she was waiting for a special delivery.  "No," she replied, "My computer keeps telling me I have mail."



Still Learning

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."



The Snail

A man walked out his front door one morning and saw a snail crawling across the man's driveway. Walking over to the snail, the man picked it up and heaved it into the distance with all his might.

Two months later, the man again left his house and saw the same snail back on his driveway. The snail looked up at the man and said, "What was that all about???"



God 'n Gates

God finally had enough and decided to end the world. However He wanted to warn the people so He gathered Bill Clinton, Fidel Castro and Bill Gates into one room and told them of His plan and to go out and inform the world.


President Clinton immediately appeared on CNN and told the U.S. "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, there IS a God. The bad news is He is going to end the world.


Fidel Castro went to the Communist network and told them. "I have bad news and worse news. The bad news is, despite what we have taught all these years, there IS a God. The worse news is, He is upset."


Bill Gates turned to the internet and informed the world. I have good news and better news... The good news is, God thinks I am one of the three most important people on earth... the better news?..... I won't have to upgrade Windows 98........



The Princess and the Frog

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess was approached by a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her environmentally friendly castle.

The frog hopped into the princess lap, gazed into her eyes, and said, "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, handsome young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set-up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought, "I don't think so."



JOKES ARCHIVES