TITLE: GLASSHOUSE AUTHOR: Yvonne CONTACT: Blubachat2@web.de ARCHIVE: http://snowflakes26.tripod.com SUMMARY: One day you have suffered so much pain that you can take no more. PAIRING: Harm/Mac, sort of CLASSIFICATION: Mac Characterization SPOILER: Post-Adrift Rated: R. Some chapters will contain mild violence as well. DISCLAIMER: JAG and all its characters still belong to DPB. I am just borrowing them for this little fanfic and play with them. I will give them back in one piece, ok, maybe I keep Harm for a while. FEEDBACK: Always appreciated, but never required or expected. NOTE: Don't copy or post this fanfic without authors premission. Please forgive me my english it is not my native language. Thanks to my betareader. **************************************************** Blossoms are scattered by the wind And the wind cares nothing, but the blossoms of the heart No wind can touch. ~Youshida Kenko **************************************************** GLASSHOUSE Harms Apartment North of Union Station Washington D.C. 0300 ZULU Mac stood at the sink, watching the water ran down the drain, she had finished doing the dishes minutes ago but she couldn't turn away. The water running down reminded her of her blood. Many times she had observed her blood running down her arms. The only reminder of this were the long scars on her arms. She had tried to commit suicide more then once but always without sucess. Sometimes the pain was so intense that she wanted nothing more then to scream from the rooftop. Screaming her pain out in the open. At the moment she felt the fear, the troubled childhood and the pain again. She was back in her childhood. Her father standing next to her, screaming at her. She really heard his voice:>>Goddamnit, can`t you do anything right you damn brat??<< Mac flinched. His voice sounded as if he was really there. She had always hoped that one day the pain would go away. But it never happened. It always came back to her. There always was someone hurting her, if not her father then any other man. "What are you doing?!" Harms voice shook her out of her reverie. "Nothing" Mac answered und turned around to look at him. Harm could see that Mac had had another flashback. During moments like this he wanted nothing more than to take her in his arms and make her forget all the pain she had suffered in her life. Her father and her mother have hurt her seriously - both in different ways. Joseph Mackenzie had hurt her physically, her mother emotionally. He didn`t know which way was the worst. Sometimes Harm was sure, that Mac would never overcome the pain, the fear and the nightmares. Many nights Mac had spent crying her eyes out in his arms. They have talked a lot, mostly about the visible scars but never about the one he couldn`t see. Her soul was mourning for the happy little girl she once had been. Last night Mac had woken up screaming again. Another nightmare, another reminder of her past. For a while he had been able to see the real Mac, the one she normally was hiding perfectly behind a mask. It all had started a month ago. One month earlier Harm's apartment North of Union Station 0400 ZULU Harm was about to go to sleep as someone knocked at his door. As he opened the door Mac stood outside. "Mac? What are you doing here at this time of the day?" Harm asked surprised. "I need to talk to you." "About what?" "Can I come in first? I don't think your neighbours need to hear what we have to discuss" Mac said. "Sure." As Mac walked into Harms apartment he looked at her from head to toe. For the first time since he knew her she wore no makeup and Harm saw the dark circles under her eyes. For the first time he started to understand why she was consuming so large amounts of what she called coffee. Her black dress made her look even more pale than really was. "Do you like something to drink?" he asked but he already knew the answer. "A real strong coffee. We have something to discuss and coffee helps me not to start sleeping" she answered. Twenty minutes later they sat together on his couch talking and drinking coffee. "I have made a decision and I wanted you the first one to know it" Mac started. "Something not good?" he asked carefully. "It will affect other life" she replied. "You leaving?" "Kind of." "What?" "It`s time for me to move. Maybe taking an oversea-assignment will help me clear my mind. I will accept an offer to help out at JAG-Hawaii" she told him. The next morning Harms apartment North of Union Station 1200 ZULU Mac and Harm spent the whole night talking. Then early in the morning around 4 o'clock Mac had fallen asleep on Harms couch. Harm walked into the livingroom. He was on his way to the kitchen because he was thirsty. He looked at Mac who was still sleeping. She looked so peaceful and calm but sweat was forming on her forehead. Harm couldn't resist the urge to reach out and brushed away a strand of hair. A second later Mac sat upright on the couch, starring at Harm with widend eyes like she was in shock. "Everything allright?" he asked. "You have startled me." "You were sleeping peacefully" Harm told her. "I have had a dream" Mac told him. "You were looking calm and peaceful but you have had sweat on your forehead. It must have been more than just a dream." "Oh, now you have a degree in psychology?" she asked, her voice full of sarcasm. "No, I haven't, but I know it when someone has a nightmare." Harm kneeled down next to Mac and placed his hand on her arm. "sarah talk to me" he said. "There is nothing to talk about." "It`s about Mic?" he assumed. "Yes" Mac lied. She didn`t want to tell him the truth about the reason of her leaving Washington. Maybe he wouldn`t understand. Why should he understand it? Mac would run away from her problems and fears and she would hope that one day she had her life back. The one without nightmares and problems, the one where she didn`t want to search salvation in alcohol. At night Mac's Apartment "The Washington 2812" Georgetown 0252 ZULU It was really late but Mac wasn't really tired. She never was. She went to bed, lay down and thought about everything until sleep took her over. 1 hour later Nevertheless one hour later she'd awoken with a start. Her body had been covered with sweat, her heart pounding up to her throat and her breathing was more than laboured. And then it all had been rushing down on Mac. And it hurt. Hurt so much. She couldn't bear it. She'd experienced a lot of pain in her life -physically but mostly mentally - like now. But she'd never felt like that. >>flashback Her father slapped Mac so hard that it all turned black in front of her eyes. Then she felt his fists slamming in her abdomen twice. Mac screamed. For the first time she screamed and then she received another slap and another one, until she lost consciousness. end of flashback<< Mac started to shiver. She reached for her cellphone and dialed Harms number. She needed him. It rang one time and then she realized what she was doing. She hung up before he could answer the phone. There were times when she thought about commiting suicide just to make the nightmares stop. Harms Apartment North of Union Station Washington D.C. at the same time Harmon Rabb woke up in the middle of the night because his cellphone rang. As he reached for it the ringing stopped. As he looked at the display he could see that Mac had called him. She wouldn't call without a reason. He jumped out of his bed into his clothes, ran to his car and drove towards her apartment Something must be really wrong with her. 20 minutes later Mac's Apartment "The Washington 2812" Georgetown Harm knocked at Mac's door and was relieved to see her when she opened. "Everything alright?" he asked. "Sure." Then he realized that she was soaked. "You don't look good" he said. "Maybe." "Can I come in?" "It's late" she answered. "I know but you have called me." "I haven't" She sighed and let him in. She had called him because in a moment of weakness she had needed him, she had needed someone to protect her of all her bad feelings and the emotions rushing down on her. Harm walked towards her couch and sat down. "I hope you don't mind" he said. "Why should I?" "Sit down" Harm suggested. Mac didn't obey. They looked each other deep into the eyes. "Tell me why you have called me" he pleaded. "I had a nightmare" she answered, unable to look away. "A bad nightmare?" "Really bad" she answered and looked down at her hands which were trembling now. Harm noticed it too. He took her hands which were cold as ice in his hands. Mac let him. "Mac, you are cold, you are soaked and you look really pale" he said shocked. "Yeah." "Come on, take a hot shower, get changed and I make you cocoa" he said. "Coffee would be better" she said and stood up. "Whatever, as long as it is hot."How long haven't you been sleeping?" he asked before she could enter the bathroom. "A long time" with that she closed the door with a soft click behind herself. 30 minutes later "I guess my couch is not the right place for you to sleep on" Mac said. "Then I should drive to my apartment" Harm said halfheartly, not wanting to go. "Stay here. You can sleep in my bed." "And you sleeping on the couch, no way" he protested. An idea crossed Harms mind. He hoped Mac wouldn`t deck him for it. "Come here, Mac," he ordered gently, holding out his hand to her. "What?" she asked. "Come here." Mac took his hand and together they walked into her bedroom. Harm laid down and lifted the comforter. "Come on, join me, I won't bite" Harm said to lighten the mood. Unsure what to think of it, Mac walked over to the bed, dropping her robe to the floor and crawling in bed. Harm draped the comforter over them both. First Mac couldn't get comfortable but a moment later she felt Harm's arm going around her waist. And a second later she lay just inches apart from him, her head resting on his chest where the beating of his heart would soothe her to sleep. "Better?" he asked, stroking her back. "Much." "Go to sleep" he said softly. It felt wonderful lying in his arms, it felt safe, loved and it felt like home. Unconciously her fingers were moving over his chest until her hand came to rest over his heart. "Why is it wrong, even when it feels right?" she asked. "What?" Harm asked. "Lying in your arms. Being so close to you." "Why should it be wrong? We are friends, best friends. Is it forbidden for friends to share a quarter?" Harm smiled. "The rules" she answered. "Just the rules? Look at Harriet and Bud." Mac was silent. What should she say. "Damn, I love you, I always have but you have been to blind to realize it. You only love your precious tomcats. So why should I start hoping?" After the words were out of her mouth Mac realized that she had confessed her feelings for him out loud. She blushed. Mac couldn`t look into his eyes and if he wouldn't have had a strong grip around her waist she maybe would have jumped out of bed. Harm took deep, long breaths. He had to let her words sink in. Was it true? Was she in love with him? It was more than he could hope for. Harm forced Mac to look at him, to look into his eyes. "Is it true?" he asked gently. Mac tried to look away but Harm stopped her. "Please look into my eyes and say it again." "I love you, I always have" she said and in her voice he could hear how ashamed she was. "Ninjagirl, that is nothing you have to be ashamed for." "It`s not just this" Mac admitted. "You want to tell me?" "No." "sarah you can tell me everything." Mac was silent for a moment. Would he understand? He was a man afterall. Men had always hurt her, her father, Chris, her Uncle Matt Dalton, Mic - every man in her life. Why should Harm be any different? Harm had hurt her too. When he went back to flying it was like she had lost him forever. Yes he came back to her but he couldn`t take away the pain he had caused. As she tried to make him understand what she felt for him Harm had pushed her away and she ran into the open arms of Mic Brumby. A million thoughts and memories were running through her head and making things feel so wrong. "I never met a man who loved the real me" Mac finally said. "Sarah I" he started but stopped before he could continue, he was unsure what to say. Mac was thinking about her life. It was a mess. It had all went wrong. She wanted a perfect life, a career, a husband, a family and know she had nothing. Now even Harm didn`t know what to say. "Sarah I am not like any man. I care a lot about you. You are a very important person for me. My feelings for you run so deep. I love you" he told her. Did he mean it? Mac wasn`t sure if she should believe him. Mac looked into his eyes. They spoke volumes. He pulled her into a deep embrace. When he released her, he leaned down and kissed her for all she was worth. Not trifling little kisses, but deep ones, full of passion and desire. Mac smiled at him. "I love you." Harm caputered her lips again and his hands started a journey along her body, tracing every curve with his fingertips. Mac moaned under his touch. Harm ran his gaze over the length of her. "Like what you see?" "God Mac, you are beautiful." "You're not to shabby yourself." "I've wanted you for so long and now I find myself needing you, too." Mac pulled his head to her own and kisses him passionately. Then she began stroking his muscled chest and stomach, smiling when they quivered in response to her touch. Harm moans. "Oh Sarah. If this is a dream again, I don't ever want to wake up!" "Thats no dream, thats real." "I hope you'd say that!" Bringing her lips back to his, he kissed her hungrily, his mouth ravaging hers. Finally he loosened his hold on her, his hands beginning to explore her body, seeming to touch her everywhere all at once. "Oh my god Harm!" Harm breathed in her intoxicating scent as he softly kissed her neck below her ear nipping lightly with his teeth then soothing with his tongue. He ran his tongue over her bottom lip and sucked it into his mouth eliciting a moan from her. Mac allowed her eyes to roam over the muscular chest in front of her, unconsciously she licked her lips as she reached for the hem of her own shirt and pulled it off in one fluid motion. "You sure about this?" "Yes" Mac nodded. Rubbing her lower body alluringly against his, Mac flattened her hand between them and marveled at his sixpack, caressing them nearly to the point of tickling him. "I love you!" She moaned. That was all Harm needed, his hand wandered down her body, he brushed over her thighs with his fingertips, wandring higher from there. Mac stroked her hands all over his body. "Harm I need you, now" she whispered. That was all encouragement he needed. He freed them from the last barriers which where stopping them. Mac's tongue kept on diligently probing his mouth His hands roaming over her body.Hers all over him. She touched him everywhere her hands could reach. "Take me" She purred. He was close to sending her over the edge but she wanted to take him with her. Once more Harm wanted to be certain. "Are you really sure? The consequences..." "Yes...oh, yes, Harm. Please" She was as desperate as he was. He looked deep into her eyes as he entered her. Harm's senses began to spin out of control at the feel of Mac's body engulfing his. She had waited so long for this to happen. Her arms pulled him down, and she opened her mouth again to his kiss. Slowly he started to move. "I won't break" she whispered in his ear. "I know, but I want this to last" He plants kisses all over her face. "I love you" "I love you too." Looking down at her, his breath caught in his throat as all the love he felt for her threatened to overwhelm him. "Don't stop!" Mac demanded. Urging him on, she met him thrust for thrust, their rhythm building to an almost unbearable tempo, with each needing more. "Oh god Sarah I'm so close!" And he could tell she was too. Grinding her hips towars him she encouraged him to go on."I'm right behind you, Harm, don't slow down." He didn't. Instead he increased his pace again. A few hard thrusts later, and he was crying out her name. She climaxed with him and looked deep into his eyes. "Oh I love you Harm!" Harm collapsed on the bed, pulling her over to rest on top of him. Later that night It was loud screaming that startled Harm out of his sleep. It took a moment for his mind to register that the screaming was coming from Mac. Harm rolled over on his side, brushing some hair out of her face, talking to her, trying to wake her. Suddenly Mac sat bolt upright in her bed, her breathing laboured, Mac had a frightened look. "It's okay. You're okay. It was just a nightmare. I'm here and you're okay" he soothed. "Harm" she whispered before burying her head against his chest. He held her tightly, rubbing her back until she finally calmed down. "I hate him" Mac spat out, out of the blue. "Whom?" "Joseph Mackenzie." Harm knew that Mac had a terrible past, she had told him about her drunk and abusive father but never showed this much emotion. Mac was slightly panicked. "You want to talk about it?" Soothingly he continued to rub her back, he hoped to calm her down. "He hit me. He called me bad names. I was a burden, an unwanted child. More then once he had said if he would have had the chance I would never been born. He hated me." Harm didn`t know what to say, but he started to get the picture what really happened in Macs childhood. "When I was just a little girl it was forbidden to show any emotion. He would hit me harder if I started to cry. That's why I can't show what I really feel " Mac told him. "Showing your emotions make you human." "I couldn`t live a normal life. Everytime when it seemed that I had found some happiness he destroyed it. Once I had a cat, I found her in our backyard. A littel red-tabby kitten, I named her Kitty, I was hiding her in my room. Everything was allright for five weeks, until my father found the cat. He was standing in the livingroom, in one hand the cat in the other his gun" Mac stopped, she couldn`t tell him no more. Tears were overwhelming her. "I'm here, Sarah, it`s ok, let it all out" he said softly as he tightend his grip around her, trying his best to make her feel safe. "Hold me, Harm. Just hold me," she said, as her tears continued to fall. "I will." He was holding her for a while, until she calmed down. Mac's sweat mixed with her tears as she let Harm guide her back to the pillow. Harm pulled her close, chanting soothing words, running his hand, with a soft touch, over her back and face. She held on until she was asleep.Even then she didn't let go, her grip just loosened. The night went without further incident. Nevertheless, Harm didn't go back to sleep until he knew that Mac was sleeping safe and sound. For the next week the nightmare visited Mac every night, cutting her sleep to sometimes three or four hours, for once it came, any further sleep was stolen from her for the duration. The next morning Mac's Apartment "The Washington 2812" Georgetown 1400 ZULU Harm was in the kitchen making breakfast as Mac woke up. As she saw him there, a coffeecup in one hand, smiling at her, she remembered the events of the previous night. In a moment of weakness she had shown him a side of her she had always hidden. Harm had seen the person behind the brave front. He had seen her crying like a child, vocalizing her demons. "Good morning Sarah" he greeted her. "Morning." Harm looked at her closely, the dark circles under her eyes telling their own story. Harm hated Joseph Mackenzie for hurting her the way he did. "Come here." Mac obeyed and a moment later Harm was holding her in his arms. She rested her head against his chest, listening to his steady heartbeat, Harm was her anchor in the troubled sea of life, she needed him and his strength. Back to present Mac was crying silent tears in his arms. She thought that after all the crying she had done the past few days she had no more tears. "Let it all out, let the pain out" he encouraged her. In her past forgetting had been easy. She just got drunk and all went blank. When she was drunk life seemed so easy, she had no problems. Last week Mac was gone for a walk. She stood near the beltway on a bridge, thinking how easy it was to end all her problems. She just needed to cross a highway, just jump in front of a train - life would be over, her problems would be over, there wouldn`t be any memories anymore, she would be gone. Commiting suicide was not a solution. You can`t run away everytime your life becomes complicated. You have to face your problems. But sometimes giving up was easier. At the moment Mac had Harm to lean on but what when he wasn`t there? What when he was out of town on an assignment? He wouldn`t be there to save her. Sometimes she felt like a damsel in distress and he was her knight in shining amor. Four days later At night Macs Apartment "The Washington 2812" Georgetown Harm was standing in the kitchen doing the dishes while Mac sat curled up on her couch. She was so lost in thoughts, thinking about where she should go from here. She had still the option to accept the oversea-assignment. Maybe it was still a good idea. She couldn`t spent the rest of her life crying like a frightend child in Harms arms. Mac didn't notice Harm walking back to the couch and sitting down. "Sarah" he said softly. "Yeah" she just said, still looking into the fire. "Where are you?" "I am here, in my apartment, with you" she answered, surprised by his question. "I mean, where are you with your thoughts?" "I was just thinking" Mac told him. "About him?" Harm asked carefully. "Why can`t it be over? I can`t live with it anymore. I can`t" a single tear was rolling down her cheek. "I don`t know." For the next half-hour he held her as she cried in his arms, finally exhausting herself to sleep. Harm looked at Mac. She looked so peaceful and calm. Mac had a lot of problems. Sometimes life wasn`t easy. Harm had tried everything to soothe her pain. He would give everything to take her pain away. Harm gave her the love she never had but sometimes it was not enough. There were days when Mac felt worthless, unwanted and unloved. On days like this not even he could make her laugh, make her happy. Harm was happy that he was allowed to hold her when she cried. That was the first step, one day she would let him in. Shaking off those thoughts, he gently lay her down and covered her with the light blanket folded at the end of the bed. "I wish I knew how to better help you through this," he sighed as he backed out. One month later Mac's Apartment "The Washington 2812" Georgetown 0400 ZULU The light was dim within and without, the apartment lit by the false phosphorescence of street lamps through the haze of a dusty window. Mac sat on her couch, thinking. She knew she couldn`t live like this anymore. She wasn't able to pretend that she was the strongest person she knew anymore. All these years she fought hard against her greatest enemy, against herself. Her father hated her, her mother hated her, even she hated herself.There was noone in this world who loved her. Mac was sure that not even Harm really loved her, he couldn`t. Mac stood up and walked over to the window, looking outside. She was weighing her options. Her gun was laying on the coffeetable, she could end it here and now. >>flashback 25 years ago Home of Sarah Mackenzie Arizona "You damn brat come here! Bring me my beer!" Joseph Mackenzie yelled through the house. Mac sat curled into a ball in the corner of her bedroom. Hands over her ears. Everytime her father was drunk he yelled at her. Ok, even when he wasnīt drunk he yelled at her but when he was drunk it was the worst. Mac closed her eyes at she heard footsteps coming towards her. She knew that it was her father. She knew what was coming next. His voice would increase and then he would start beating her, as always. "Haven`t you heard what I said?" Joseph Mackenzie asked. "I am sorry Daddy" Mac said without looking at him. "I will give you something you will be sorry for!" he grabbed her by her arm and dragged her with him downstairs. end of flashback<< No this was a really bad choice. She was a Marine after all, She could fight. She had to face her fear. The first step in the right direction would be leaving everything behind. Mac would leave Washington and return to the battlefield. But first Mac had to say goodbye. She had to move on but before she could do it, she had to say goodbye. She had to vocalize her emotions, the deep emotions, the love she felt for Harm. A love which was endless. Mac loved him with heart and soul. She loved him like she had never loved anyone before. The next day Admiral Chegwiddens office JAG-HQ Falls Church/Virginia 1400 ZULU "Sir I want to return to the battlefield. I want you to send me back to my old unit." "Is there a reason why?" Admiral Chegwidden asked. He had noticed the change. He wanted to know what happened. "Yes Sir, there is a reason." "Is it about Commander Rabb?" "No Sir, Commander Rabb has nothing to do with my decision. He didn`t even know that I am talking to you about it, that I request a transfer." "Give me a reason why. You are my chief of staff, the best officer serving under my command. Why should I let you go?" Mac sighed. This wasn`t going to be easy. "Premission to speak freely Sir." "Granted." One week later JAG-HQ Falls Church/Virginia 1700 ZULU As Mac left the Admirals office today she felt reliefed. She hadn`t known that it would happen so soon but she was thankful that they had granetd her transfer. Tomorrow she had to report in Italy. Now came the hardest part, telling Harm. "Can we talk for a moment?" Mac asked as she stood at the doorstep to his office. "Sure come in." Mac closed the door behind her and walked over to his desk. She was unsure how to begin. "What`s up?" he asked. "I am here to say goodbye" Mac started. "Where are you going? Quantico or Norfolk? A new case?" Harm asked. "A new duty station, Italy" Mac answered, unable to look at him. "No. That is a bad joke" Harm shook his head in disbelief. "I am sorry Harm. I requested a transfer and today the Admiral told me to report tomorrow in Italy" Mac told him. "I don`t believe it. Why are you doing it? Sarah, you can`t go, you have to stay" Harm sounded like a little child who had lot his favourite toy. "Damn Harm, you don`t know how it felt for me. You don`t know how it is when your father beats you up! He hated me! I still know how it sound when bones are breaking, I have heard it way to often." "I'm not going to let you run. If you start, you're not going to stop. I know you. If you leave now you'll never be back." "Harm, please." Harm took a deep breath. His Mac was leaving. He wanted to hear the real reason. Her nightmares couldn`t be, he was sure that it had something to do with him. "Why? Tell me why." "Harm, once I have tried to be strong. I drowned all my sorrows in alcohol. I ran away. I can`t anymore. I have to face me fear" Mac started again. "Yes, you have to face them but Sarah you are not alone. I am always there for you. Please stay or let my come with you." Mac sighed. She knew that saying goodbye was hard. She wanted nothing more then to have him by her side, always. She leaned on him. "Harm you are a good friend and you mean a lot to me." "I love you." Mac walked over to the window. She looked outside. Looking at Harm would make it harder. She knew that he loved her. She loved him too. "I need you. Let me come with you" Harm said. Mac hadn`t realized that he was standing behind her until his arms went around her waist from behind. They stood there in silence a while, just enjoying the feeling of being so close to eachother, not caring that they were in the office. They were not sure what to do. Mac had made up her mind that she would try to live a new life far away from Washington. Many bad memories were in this town - Coster, Daltons death, the whole Mic-Renee-fiasco, Chris, her trial - she needed to move on for her own sake. Once she tried to run away, her TAD on the Guadalcanal. After this they had been making babysteps in their relationship. They had been back to dinner and a movie. Then one night they moved their relationship from friendship to love. Yes, she loved him, she needed him but she didn`t want him to throw his life away. She knew that Harm would be the next JAG. His next promotion would be in the near future. She loved him too much to let him give up hislife and maybe his career only for her. 2 years later on the beach Italy Mac sat at the beach, starring in the ocean. After all life had been good to her. After she left JAG and Washington, she had been sitting in her room crying. The people at JAG had been her family. She had a place called home. She had traded her old life for something else, for an unknown future. Sometimes she still had nightmares and flashbacks. Sometimes she woke up screaming at night. Sometimes the pain was so intense that she couldnīt bear it. But there were other days. Days full of joy and happiness. Mac had a wonderful husband and a 5-months-old daughter. At the end life had turned out good for Joseph Mackenzies unwanted daughter. Mac was sure that one day she would overcome all her fears, that one day her life would be a normal life. Still when she smelled alcohol she had the flashbacks that her father was near her and would hit her every second. "Sarah" she heard her husband calling her and a moment later he was sitting next to her in the sand. "I love you" Mac said. She had to tell him that she loved him, not that he didn`t knew. "I love you too." Mac smiled at Harm. It had been maybe the best idea of their life to let him come with her. THE END