Title:  Wishful Thinking on "Family 
Secrets"
Author:  Dancer
E-Mail:  dancersgrace@mail.com
Rating:  PG-13
Classification:  Best Harm 
                 Characterization,
		     Best Mac 
                 Characterization,
		     Biggest Tear-jerker
		     Best Drama
		     Best JAG Story	
Spoilers:  Family Secrets, Touch and 
Go
Summary:  Harm and Mac meet at the 
wall as he contemplates his brother's 
fate in Chechnya.  
	    Please note:  This story 
was written before the episode aired, 
so please consider it a spec fic.



*****



The two figures standing by 
the wall were both in uniform.  He 
was dressed in the blue-black topcoat 
of a Navy Commander, and she wore 
the khaki green of a Marine Lt. 
Colonel complete with garrison cap.  
They weren't alone at the site, but 
the newly fallen snow and cold, 
Washington night had kept the size 
of the crowd at the Vietnam 
Memorial down to a few hearty souls 
determined to pay their respects.

The couple standing near the 
last panel dedicated to the year 1969 
was speaking in the low tones of two 
people involved in analyzing some 
serious matter.  At first, their topic of 
discussion was a mystery, but the 
concern on their faces made the 
relationship clear.

"Now is not the time to be 
making life-altering decisions." She 
was pleading with him hoping he'd 
see reason.

When he turned his head 
suddenly, the intensity of his gaze 
bored right through her like a laser 
beam. "It didn't seem to stop you," 
he said abruptly.  Mac knew 
instantly what he was talking about, 
and the anger she saw on his face cut 
at her heart.  Harm turned back to the 
wall and began staring at the names 
again. "At least you could have told 
me before I had to hear it from him."

Mac looked down at the ring 
on her left hand with sudden regret.  
"I was going to tell you.  I tried.  It's 
just that..."  She fell silent beside 
him wishing they didn't have to have 
this conversation.

Seeing the pain in her eyes, 
Harm felt the need to reach out if 
only in words.  "Mac, look, if it's 
what you really want, if Brumby's 
the guy you think he is, then I'm 
happy for you."
  
Even if the words rang a bit 
hollow, Mac knew the sentiment 
behind them was sincere.  Still, she 
couldn't help but notice the edge in 
his voice as he spoke them.  "You 
never did like him," she said into the 
cold, night air.

Harm shook his head 
absently.  "The feeling is mutual.  
Since the first day I met him, that 
guy's been trying to yank my chain."

"You just never got to know 
him," Mac said wistfully.

Harm replied with a firm 
resolution, "I know enough." 

She knew discussing Mic 
with Harm would only cause more 
pain for both of them, and she 
decided not to let him change the 
subject. "Harm, you can't leave."

"Why not?  You are."

Once again, the Colonel 
found him staring at her with cold, 
hard eyes. "I'm not going 
anywhere," she replied softly.

"Not yet.  But sooner or later, 
the Royal Australian Navy is going 
to want Mic back in Sydney."  Mac 
looked away nervously, but Harm 
continued to remind her.  "They 
recalled him once, and if he goes 
back in, it's only a matter of time 
before..."

Mac wouldn't let him go on.  
"Harm, you can't quit." She had 
meant to say it empathically, but she 
didn't mean to make it sound so 
much like a personal appeal.  "The 
Navy's been your whole life.  It's 
what you've always wanted. It's 
what you worked for."

"He's my brother, Mac."  
Harm said it as if that answered all 
questions.

"And they'll find him," she 
announced with assurance. "Harm, 
with all this publicity, the whole 
Russian General Staff is probably 
working on it."

The Commander shook his 
head silently, then lifted his eyes to 
the black, granite panel before them.  
"My dad's name is on this wall 
because his luck ran out," he 
whispered slowly. "He had half the 
U.S. Navy looking for him and his 
best friend still in the sky above him.  
But, Tom Boone ran out of fuel and 
he couldn't wait for the evac 
helicopter.  And when it got there, 
my dad was gone."

With tear filled eyes, Mac 
followed his gaze up the wall to the 
spot where his father's loss was 
honored in the list of names.  Then, 
Harm turned to look at her with a 
wondering eyes.  "It still wakes him 
up some nights, Mac.  He still 
wonders if he could have changed 
things." Harm's words seemed to 
come from deep inside him as he 
looked into her eyes. "I don't want to 
spend the next thirty years wishing I 
could have done more for Sergei."

"Just wait a little while," she 
pleaded.  "Give them a chance to 
find him."

But Harm turned and shook 
his head regretfully.  "I can't."

"Harm, don't do something 
you're going to regret later."

"I can't just sit here and do 
nothing."

"We'll go to Webb - or 
Falcon." Her words came out as a 
tumble of sounds, but he still 
couldn't accept it. "Maybe the 
Admiral can help.  Harm, please, just 
don't resign."

"I have to go, Mac."

She stared back at him with a 
weary sense of déjà vu.  She knew 
what he was like when he was this 
determined to do something.  "Well, 
that's two of us then," she said with 
a sigh.  Harm looked up sharply as 
her words rang in his ears.  Mac just 
shrugged.  "You go, I go."  He 
couldn't believe what he thought he 
heard her saying.  As an explanation, 
Mac only added, "You never did 
learn to speak Russian."

Caught up in the moment, 
Harm's instinct was to take her in his 
arms and hold her, but something 
held him back.  Something always 
held him back, but this time, he 
remembered it had a name - 
Brumby.

His eyes peered out sadly 
from under the bill of his cover.  
"Now, why is it I don't think your 
fiancé would like that?"

Mac dropped her head 
forward and stared down at her 
hands for a moment knowing that 
what he said was true.  A cold wave 
of regret washed over her as she 
thought about the hurt she saw in his 
eyes.  When she spoke at last, her 
voice came out as a stifled whisper. 
"Mic will understand."

"Why should he?" Harm 
asked with just a touch of bitterness.  
"I wouldn't."

Mac's eyes moved around 
everywhere trying to find something 
to look at besides her partner.  She 
finally fixed her eyes on the wall.  
"We're going to find him, Harm."

"No, Mac," Harm said 
shaking his head. "Thanks for trying, 
but this is my problem."

Now, Mac looked straight at 
him. "Harm, you can't go.  You 
don't even speak the language."  Her 
words were true enough, but he 
refused to see their meaning.

"I did all right last time."

"They gave you an English 
speaking lawyer to show you 
around," Mac said a little louder than 
she meant to. "They won't help you 
this time. Harm, you need me."

With a sharp tip of his head 
to the side, he said, "Maybe so, but I 
can't let you do it."

"Harm -- ."

"Mac, you've got too much 
else at stake now."

She folded her arms in front 
of her and looked at him with 
impatience.  "I can't believe you'd 
be worried about that."

"Why not?" his reply was 
angry. "He's the man you're going to 
marry."  The way Mac's face fell 
when he said that drove all his anger 
back inside.  He'd hurt her, and he 
didn't want to.  His voice softened 
into more of a plea.  "Mac, if you tell 
me you love him, I'll be happy for 
you."  Her uncertain look told him 
she didn't quite believe him. "Just 
don't ask me to like the guy," was 
the last thing he said.

There was a long pause when 
the two of them came face to face 
with what they both knew, but dare 
not say to each other.  Then Mac 
spoke a bit more solemnly, "What 
are you going to do now, Harm?"

"I don't know.  I was hoping 
something about this place would 
make up my mind for me, but..."  
He just looked down at the base of 
the wall.

Mac looked all around them 
searching for someone or something 
that would help to convince him, but 
in the end, there was only the two of 
them.  "Harm, there's got to be 
another way," she whispered 
urgently.  "Please don't leave."

Harm turned his eyes back to 
look at Sarah, and began to speak 
slowly. "When the doctor told me he 
could fix my eyes, when he told me I 
could fly, I thought it was the answer 
to everything."  He was peeking out 
at her from under the bill of his cover 
and the tilt of his head gave him a 
look of hopeful expectancy.  "I 
would have my own squadron, get 
my promotion and come back here 
and see what happened."  Mac's 
expression already betrayed a bit of 
surprise, but she had the feeling he 
had more to say.  "Things don't 
always turn out the way we 
planned," he said quietly turning his 
eyes back to the wall, so he wouldn't 
see her. "They took my wings away 
and gave you the promotion.  The 
next thing I knew, you were wearing 
Brumby's ring."  There was a real air 
of sadness about him when he said 
that, and Mac didn't know what to 
say.

She felt so very alone all the 
sudden.  How could she possibly say 
anything that would save them?  Her 
voice sounded strained, even to 
herself, when she mounted her 
defense. "Harm, you said no," she 
whispered.  "What did you expect 
me to do?"

His answer came back in a 
flash, "Wait."

When she looked up to see 
his face, it was a mask of emotional 
intensity held back by a lawyer's 
studied reserve, but she could see it 
in his eyes.  His soft, blue eyes had 
narrowed with the pain of what he 
saw leaving his life.

She was stunned.  "Harm, 
you never even..."

He turned his head away.  He 
wouldn't look at her.  "I just needed 
some more time," he said from 
somewhere far away.

"Time for what, Harm?"  The 
anguish in her voice made him 
wince.  He never wanted to hurt her, 
and suddenly he wished he'd kept his 
mouth shut.  But, Mac's wail broke 
the silence.  "Oh, God.  What are we 
going to do now?"

"I don't know."  He finally 
turned to look into her troubled eyes, 
and knew he had no answers.  He 
only wanted to comfort her, but he 
found himself saying, "If it weren't 
for this uniform..." His voice trailed 
off as he dropped his head forward to 
hide his eyes from her.

She reached up to tenderly 
stroke the side of his face and 
murmured, "We'll work it out, 
Harm.  We always have."

"Yes, Sarah.  We always 
have."  This time, for once, when 
Harm looked deep into her eyes, he 
said what he really felt. "And I hope 
we always will."




The End