But I'm Not a Hero

Disclaimer: JAG and its characters are the property of DPB 
et al and I'm not making any money off this.  The song is 
performed by Chad Kroeger.

**********Harm

Jesus, talk about a rough day at work.  When the world 
changed last September I never imagined that I'd be trying 
to get an unshielded nuclear weapon to chase me while I'm 
flying an F-14.  I think I'm gonna be pulling the grey hair 
out for awhile.

Captain Johnson thanked me for saving the Seahawk and her 
crew.  What I didn't tell him is I wasn't really thinking 
of him, the ship, or anyone else.  Only Mac.  It's always 
been only Mac.  I'll be 39 years old this year and I think 
it's about time I left Never Never Land.  But only for Mac.

I heard a song on the radio on the way to the airport when 
we came out to Afghanistan.  I had Bud burn a copy for me 
so that I could listen to the song whenever I wanted to but 
now I can't find it so I'll have to see if he can burn 
another disc for me once he gets back from the school 
ground breaking ceremony.  

**********Mac

My father always used to say that annoying saying to me, 
"if you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen".  I 
couldn't stand watching Harm play chicken with an 
unshielded nuke so I quietly left the bridge and made my 
way down to my quarters.  God knows I have enough paperwork 
to catch up on.  I'm hopeful I can take my mind off of 
what's going on up there.  Not only with Harm, but also 
with the rest of the world.  Who am I kidding?  Neither 
Harm nor this damned war are ever far from my thoughts.

I'm rifling through Harm's briefcase to find the file I 
need and I wonder how he gets away with making smart assed 
comments about my desk when his briefcase looks like a dust 
devil tore through it.  As I move yet another piece of 
paper aside, a CD falls out of it onto the floor.  I pick 
it up and slide it back into the paper but then I notice my 
name on the paper.  Hating that I let my curiosity get the 
better of me, I sit on my bunk and begin reading the 
familiar, scrunched writing that is Harm's.  

"Mac Sarah,

I heard these lyrics and immediately knew that they would 
make their way into any letters that I leave behind to go 
on a mission.  

I am so high, I can hear heaven
I am so high, I can hear heaven
Whoa, but heaven...no, heaven don't hear me

And they say
That a hero could save us
I'm not gonna stand here and wait
I'll hold onto the wings of the eagles
Watch as we all fly away

I don't know who the hero is supposed to be, but that hero 
isn't coming here fast enough today so they're sending me 
up to fly.  I know how much that worries you but I also 
know that you understand why I have to do it.  It's the 
same reason that you're the Marine you have become.  God I 
was always so proud of you Sarah.

Someone told me
Love would all save us
But, how can that be
Look what love gave us

A world full of killing
And blood spilling
That world never came

This world we live in is so screwed up I can't even stand 
to think about it most days.  I guess I was pretty good at 
avoiding the issues, huh?  Too bad, though, because if 
you're reading this letter it means I'm no longer on this 
world.  And for that my darling Sarah, I am truly sorry.  
But I go knowing that deep down you know that I had to go 
on the mission, or take the flight, or do whatever it was 
that I did to cause this letter to end up in your hands.  
Because protecting my country is what I signed up to do, 
just as it is what you signed up to do.  

And they say
That a hero could save us
I'm not gonna stand here and wait
I'll hold onto the wings of the eagles
Watch as we all fly away

Now that the world isn't ending
It's love that I'm sending to you
It isn't the love of a hero
And that's why I fear it won't do

I'm not the hero that so many people think I am.  I was 
always afraid that my love wouldn't be good enough for you.  
You deserve so much more.  

Men like Bud are heroes.  He saw what he wanted and he went 
after her.  He got her and now they share a family 
together.  Please tell little AJ how proud his godfather 
was of him.  Some of my favourite memories are of you and I 
babysitting him.  I can't count the number of times I 
looked over at you playing with him and wished we had one 
of our own.  I am sorry I won't be able to fulfil my 
promise Sarah.  I am sorry that I never had an opportunity 
to see your qualities in our child. 

Well, my dearest Sarah, know that I loved you long before I 
knew of your existence.  Know that my first thought every 
morning was of you, as was my last thought at night.  You 
will be the thought that last enters into my mind as I 
leave this world and I shall keep you in my thoughts for 
eternity.  I love you Mac.  I love you Sarah.

My love always,

Harm"

I sit on my bunk with tears quietly rolling down my face.  
I can feel each of them drop from my cheeks onto my crossed 
ankles.  These words are the words I have always wanted to 
hear from Harm but good God, not like this.  I bounce 
between being really pissed at him for not telling me to my 
face, and wanting to fall into his arms when I next see 
him.  Oh crap, what if my reading this jinxed him and I 
won't next see him?  Quit being such a moron, Mac, and suck 
it up.  He'll be fine, he's always fine.  The man's got a 
horseshoe crammed up his six.  Where is he?

********Harm

I've pulled apart my quarters looking for that CD.  I just 
have the urge to listen to it.  OK Rabb, think.  Where did 
you last have it?  Well I was writing my letter to Mac and 
then I stuck it in my briefcase.  

My briefcase!!!  The thought makes my hair stand on end, a 
lá Fred Flintstone.  I gave Mac my briefcase before I went 
up on that last hop, so she could have my files.  Oh man, 
she's gonna kick my six off the end of the flight deck if 
she reads that letter.  

OK, no time to waste thinking about it.  If I'm lucky I can 
get to her quarters before she has a chance to look through 
the papers in my briefcase.  Thankfully she's not staying 
too far away from me.  It's a big ship and I hate to think 
of how long it would take me to get to her if she was 
bunked on the other end.  I stand before the hatch and 
knock quickly.  I hear a muffled "just a second".  Just as 
I'm about to knock again, the hatch opens to reveal Mac, 
with a paper in her hands and tears staining her face.  I 
hear the music coming from her computer speakers and it 
clicks in that she's reading the letter.  Am I in for an 
ass-kicking here?

*********Mac

I finally see him standing in front of me.  He looks pretty 
sheepish, but he's alive and well.  He steals a glance at 
my hand that holds his letter.  That's enough for me to 
grab his wrist and yank him into my room before I slam and 
lock the hatch.  I know it's not the most Marine-like 
behaviour, but I can't help it.  I launch myself at him, 
burying my face in his chest.  And what a chest it is.  
He's pretty stunned, but he finally wraps his arms around 
me and I can feel his lips in my hair.  He keeps telling me 
it's OK and you know what?  I believe him.  

The tears begin again in earnest.  I could try and hide 
them along with how I feel, but what's the point?  That 
strategy hasn't exactly been working for us.  I feel some 
dampness on my neck.  Oh my God, I think Harm is crying 
too.  We stand here for a few minutes, oops, I just 
realized I lost track of time.  Maybe I'll just keep that 
one under my hat for now.  I can feel him composing himself 
now. Oh no, I guess we're done holding each other for now.  
You can run, Harm, but you can't hide.  I've had a taste of 
this now and I won't forget so easily.

"Harm, I didn't mean to find this.  I was just looking in 
your briefcase for Chief Petty Officer Wood's file and the 
disc slipped out.  I tried to put it back but I saw my name 
on the paper and I know I shouldn't have read it but-"

Harm shakes his head in my direction with a wan smile.  "So 
you're not going to drop kick my six to the other end of 
the ship?" he says.  I can see his Flyboy Grin wanting to 
make an appearance but I think he's waiting to see how I'm 
going to react.  Ha, little does he know that I'd no sooner 
drop kick his six for writing that letter than I would dive 
overboard.  

"No, Harm, I'm not going to rough you up.  Well, today, 
anyway," I reply with just enough of a smirk to make him 
wonder exactly what I mean.  "So you love me too, huh?"  I 
let my smirk grow into a genuine smile and I am soon 
rewarded with a smile of his own.  Not a Flyboy smile, but 
something much more...real.  

"Yes, Ma'am, I do."  I know I'm being stubborn here, but I 
want to hear the words that say everything his eyes and 
face have told me over the years.  "Harm, I want to hear 
you say it."

"Sarah, Baby, I love you."  Wow.  He did it. I guess I 
can't very well keep the man waiting, now can I?

"And I love you.  You say that you're not a hero, well I'm 
sorry Harm but you're wrong there.  You are a hero, and 
you're MY hero."  I close the distance between us and wrap 
my arms around his waist as I lean my head against his 
chest.  "Heroism comes in many forms Harm.  You took the 
adversity that life tossed out to you and you overcame it 
by finding your father once and for all.  You've saved too 
many lives to count, including mine."

**********Harm

I can't believe this is happening.  Not only is she not 
going to shred me into a million pieces, but I'm HER hero?  
No way.  She's MY hero.  To hell with the past mistakes 
we've made, this is for the future.  I'm still amazed, 
though.  I never would have guessed that she would actually 
take the chance on me though.  I've hurt her so many times, 
mostly inadvertently, but still...I guess today really is 
my lucky day.

I still have her wrapped in my arms and the feeling in my 
chest feels like it's grown ten sizes today.  Oh yeah!!  
Her hands are sliding down to my ass.  She makes a little 
noise in the back of her throat and before I know what's 
happening, she's got a hand around my neck and is pulling 
my head down.  Oh God her lips feel good on mine.  We kiss 
for a while.  I don't know how long, but I'm sure Mac would 
know down to the second.  Her hands begin to roam my body 
so I pull away long enough to ask her if this is what she 
wants.  Wow, her eyes get really dark when she's feeling 
passionate.  She gives me a small nod and I pick her up to 
cradle her against my chest and I move over to the bunk.  

***********Mac

I'm not promiscuous, but it's not like I'm a virgin or 
anything, but last night was amazing.  Harm is the most 
attentive lover I've ever been with.  I felt...worshipped I 
guess is a good word.  I don't know whether it's always 
going to be that mind-blowing or if it was because of the 
letter or what, but I definitely look forward to finding 
out more about my hero.

***********Harm

I have decided to hell with the Butch Cassidy and Sundance 
thing.  I want to die being loved by Mac.  I might not be 
real hero, but I feel like her hero, and that's good enough 
for me.