When everything else in your life is falling all to hell, one thing can always be counted on to remain unchanged - work. Major Sarah MacKenzie - Mac to her friends - dubiously eyed the two stacks of files on her desk and heaved a sigh. Her first day back at work had been a long one. Her coworkers had been glad to see her - and so had the Admiral when he handed her all these files to catch up on.

"Mac?"

Harm's hesitant voice brought her out of her reverie. "Hi," she greeted, pasting a friendly smile on her face.

"How'd your first day back go?" he asked, taking a step into her office.

He'd been in court all day so this was the first she'd gotten to see him. Mac gave a small shrug. "The Admiral told me how much he'd missed me," she smiled slightly and nodded toward all the files.

"Need any help?" he asked.

"No, thanks. I'll be fine," she assured him.

They hadn't spoken since the night of the fateful kiss. Three days with no contact. Even now an awkward silence stretched between them. Mac cleared her throat and smiled.

"I really want to try and get some of these done before I go home," she stated pointedly.

Harm took the hint and backed up a step. "Sure you don't want any help, Mac?" he offered again.

"I'm sure," she answered

"Okay, then I guess I'll see you in the morning." He turned to go and paused, looking as though he might be ready to say something else. Instead he just gave her that funny little smile of his and left.

Mac slowly let out the breath she'd been holding. She just wasn't up to being with him right now. Her thoughts were in as much a jumble as ever since the other night in his apartment. Her history with men was so bad. Everyone she'd ever allowed herself to love had left her. She was terrified that would be the case with Harm. And she had no guarantee he felt the same. They'd been under a tremendous amount of pressure and that tended to make people do funny things. She sighed again and looked out the window. She wasn't getting anything done so she might as well go home.

"Jordan, come on. Why can't you let go of this?"

"Harm, you just don't get it, do you?"

Harm sighed. "I guess not. I told you why I couldn't tell you we were going to Russia. You, of all, people should understand that."

"It isn't the trip that's causing the problem. It's the week you were home and in the hospital without ever calling to tell me one word about it. My God, Harm, you could have died and I had no idea you had even been hurt. What does that say about our relationship?"

Harm knew she had him there. "You're right, I should have called you the minute I was able to," he admitted.

"You're attentions were elsewhere.

Harm met her gaze head on. "Yes, they were and I'm sorry, Jordan. I didn't feel like I could leave her until I knew she would be all right," he stated evenly.

"I believe there's more to it than that, Harm."

Now that observation he evaded. He didn't want to share his feelings for Mac with anyone - least of all Jordan. "You're reading more into it than that," he corrected. "I wouldn't be here with you if it wasn't you I wanted," he continued, knowing he didn't sound very convincing even as he said it.

"You're going to have to prove it me, Harm, because somehow I'm not sure I believe you," she stated sadly.

Mac wasn't at all expecting the knock that sounded at her door. Frowning she went to answer it. Lt. Commander Jordan Parker was the very last person she thought she'd see standing there.

"Jordan, what a surprise," she greeted evenly. "Come in."

The other woman moved into her apartment, glancing around somewhat nervously. Mac closed the door and looked at her.

"I'd like to talk to you, if I may?" she asked.

"Sure," Mac nodded. "Have a seat."

Jordan perched nervously on the edge of the armchair seat as Mac lowered herself to the couch. She waited expectantly for Jordan to begin.

"I'd like you to leave Harm alone outside of work."

Mac was sure she'd misunderstood her. "What?"

"I said I want you to leave Harm alone. He has feelings for you Mac but for some reason he won't or can't act on them. I love Harm and we could have a good future together. But he seems obsessed lately with you. I'm asking you to bow out of the picture. If you discourage any kind of serious contact, he'll move past this and we can start putting our lives together."

Fury the likes of which Mac had never known began to swell inside her. She sat for a moment staring at Jordan, not sure where to begin or if she even could without coming unglued. Her hands clenched into fists at her sides and she struggled to draw in a deep breath.

"I think you better leave," she bit out.

"I'd like to know your feelings on this," Jordan insisted.

"No," Mac shook her head. "I don't think you do."

"I'm not giving him up without a fight, Mac. Especially to you. You were never meant to be with him. Can't you see that? It's me..."

Mac surged to her feet, her face flushed red from anger. "Get out, Jordan. Get out right now before I do something that will land me in trouble!" she ordered harshly.

"You're being unreasonable. Stress tends to do this to people especially after a traumatic..."

"Oh, spare me the psycho-babble!" Mac rolled her eyes. "Does Harm know you came to have this little talk with me?" she demanded, her eyes narrowing. "He doesn't, does he? I wonder what he'd say if I told him?"

The other woman's face paled slightly but she drew herself up straight and flattened her lips into a stern line. "I thought we were friends, Mac. I was sure you'd be reasonable about this."

"Oh, right," Mac scoffed. "You came over here to stir things up and that's exactly what you've done. We were never friends, Jordan. I tolerate you because you're a part of Harm's life. But I can tell you right now that he's not going to be happy to hear about this little visit of yours. And, furthermore, whatever happens between Harm and I is none of your business unless he chooses to tell you. As for me 'discouraging' his contact..." she gave a harsh bark of laughter. "Not in this lifetime, Commander Parker. If you think I'm just going to roll over and play dead you can think again. Now, I've asked you to leave. I suggest you do so." Mac strode across the room and jerked the door open.

Jordan looked like she was about to say something else but she snapped her mouth closed and walked out of the apartment instead. Mac slammed the door shut behind her. With a muttered curse, she banged her fist against the door.

{Just who does she think she is? she thought? She knows nothing about my relationship with Harm. And I was here long before she ever showed up.}

Mac walked over the window and pulled back the curtains, looking out into the dark night. She sighed with frustration.

Her thought a few days ago about everything unraveling seemed to be more on the mark than she thought. Things were getting carried away and she felt powerless to stop it. It would be so easy just to go to Harm and tell him how she felt.

{But I have no way of knowing if he feels the same. I can't take that risk. Every man I've ever loved has gone away and left me. I screwed things up royally with Eddie all those years ago. I nearly destroyed my career and John's. And then the mess with Chris. I let myself run from him all that time instead of facing my demons and he ended up dead.

And Dalton lured me away from what I love most. And I let him. Am I that weak-kneed? That I could let them all run over me? But things have always been different with Harm. He treats me as an equal but at the same time seems to remember that I'm a woman. Not that he coddles me but he does seem to know when to pay attention. Each time I think I'm finally putting my life together someone I love walks away and leaves me with the pieces scattered all over again. Is Jordan telling me the truth? Does he have feelings for me if just isn't talking about?}

She sighed again and turned from the window, letting the curtain drop. She wanted desperately to talk to someone but there was no one she wanted to talk to outside of her best friend. And he was the only one she couldn't talk to about this. Crossing the room, she sat down at her small desk and pulled out a pad of paper and a pen. Uncle Matt had once told her that if she couldn't find away to talk out loud, she should try writing down how she felt. It was certainly worth a try. Maybe it would help her clear things up.

Harm, for the last three years now you've been my partner and my very best friend. There isn't anyone else in this world that knows me the way you do. That's why I can't understand how we've reached this point. Unraveled and carried away... That's what we've been reduced to.

After all we've been through together are we determined to let it end this way? I don't want to believe we will. Or believe that we even could. All that we've worked so hard to accomplish is coming unraveled, like a fragile knot that wasn't tied tight. We're being carried away by our growing feelings, Harm, and that is something we should be taking seriously. Not something to sweep under the rug and forget about. But when you and I are together all this distance and confusion fades. I've always thought my feet were planted firmly on the ground - that I was pretty levelheaded. But when you come near me... well, I get carried away. By your eyes… By your smile... One touch and I turn into a dithering idiot. I feel like nothing else in this world should matter but being with you.

I guess that's why I'm so confused. Because I don't know how you feel about me. I'm certain we're making this harder than it should be. There must be a way for you and I to make it together. To overcome my stubbornness and your pride. A way to admit our feelings for each other. Feelings I'm sure we have because no matter what the silly voice in my head says, my heart knows you would never have kissed me the way you did if you didn't care for me. And, I, my love, wouldn't have kissed you back wishing we could go on that way forever.

She sat for a moment and reread what she'd written. It turned out to be more like a letter, which wasn't she'd intended but maybe it was a good thing. Maybe someday she'd give it to him to read.

The End