Title: Unraveled: All Roads Lead to You
Author: Kimberly Knipp
Email:
MCK8686@aol.comRating: R (Mature Themes)
Classification: Romance – A little of this, a little of that – we’re mostly done with the action but I
may change my mind. Still a little love… A little love. Harm, Mac, Admiral Chegwidden, Bud, Harriett
and Clayton Webb, Jordan Parker, the McKenzie family
Spoilers: Second Sight, Goodbyes
Summary: Are these two ever gonna figure it out? It seems like all they know how to do is run from each other. But there may be hope for them yet…. Shipper Alert! Shipper Alert!
Disclaimer: JAG, its characters and premise are the exclusive property of Bellasarius Productions,
Paramount Television and CBS Entertainment. No monetary gain is appreciated from this endeavor,
nor is any copyright infringement intended. This story is created purely for recreational purposes.
Author’s Note: This piece doesn’t have as much action as the other parts so I hope y’all aren’t
disappointed. This is much more character-driven in order to tie it all together.
2100 ZULU
JAG HEADQUARTERS
FALLS CHURCH, VA
"In my office, Major."
Mac followed Admiral Chegwidden back to his office and sat down in front of his desk as he closed the door.
"I’m sorry, Major, my remark was uncalled for," he opened, apologizing.
"It was the truth," Mac answered dully.
"Regardless," A.J. answered.
"Did you try to talk him out if it, sir?" she asked.
"Repeatedly," A.J. stated flatly. "He was adamant about going. He said there was nothing here for him anymore and he couldn’t pass up the chance."
Mac remained silent, her eyes fixed on her clenched hands. A.J. could tell how much this was hurting her but she was doing an admirable job of hiding it.
"Did you come to any decisions while you were away?" he asked calmly.
Mac nodded. "A few but it looks like I’m too late for it to matter now."
1400 ZULU
USS NIMITZ
INDIAN OCEAN
Being back up in a Tomcat was… unbelievable. It was everything he remembered and more. The rush, the feeling of power, the endless stretch of blue sky or a dark, starry night. The elation over his first night landing since the accident all those years ago that took flying away from him.
It was wonderful and uplifting. It made him feel free. Made him soar. Made him never want to come back down out of the clouds.
In short, it sucked.
It reminded him of every single reason why he should have stayed in Washington. And all those little, tiny reasons were tied up in one Sarah MacKenzie. Harm sighed and shoved a hand through his short hair. In the week since he’d left JAG, things had happened so fast he almost got run over. Faster than you could blink, he was through his physical and his qualifying tests and on his way to the Nimitz. Not just any old carrier but the Grand Poompah of them all. There were more than 5,000 men and women serving on the Nimitz currently. After coming in and being introduced, he’d been automatically welcomed into the 35 and Distinguished Club. There were about a dozen of them who were over thirty-five and the others were glad to see him come onboard.
There were three in particular he’d become friends with instantly. Lt. Cody Ross and Lt. Dylan Masters flew together and alternated the wing with Harm and his new partner, Lt. Commander John McKaye. John’s call sign was Lone Wolf and Harm figured out pretty quickly that it suited the man to a tee. The oldest of the group at forty, he was still one hell of a pilot and Harm was honored to be flying with him. What had surprised him the most, though, was that John took the position of RIO instead of making Harm take it. The two men seemed to form an instant affinity with each other, recognizing that they were kindred spirits. It helped ease the transition for Harm.
Almost a week had passed since he’d been on the carrier and he put in a lot of flying hours. Daily as a matter of fact. They had various areas of the no-fly zones to patrol as well as training maneuvers. But now it was late and the sun was setting far off in the distance, lighting the horizon like some ethereal painting and they were coming in for the night.
"Good run, Harm."
"Thanks, John," Harm answered and they climbed down from the Tomcat cockpit.
"You ready to go to chow?" The older man asked.
Harm nodded. "Definitely."
Several minutes later, they stowed their gear and headed down
to the cafeteria. There was always a crowd in the dining room day and night so they found seats as far away from the bulk of the crowd as possible.
"It doesn’t get any easier, Harm, does it?"
Harm didn’t look up from his plate. He knew what John was referring to.
From the start, the other man had somehow known Harm’s return to carrier flying wasn’t the happy occasion it should have been. He hadn’t asked any questions but there were shadows always lurking in his brilliant blue eyes. Shadows that mirrored the ones in Harm’s own green eyes.
He looked up at John now and shook his head. "No, it doesn’t. You know what it’s like, don’t you?" Harm asked him quietly.
John sighed deeply. "I know," he confirmed. "And I wish like hell everyday that I didn’t."
"She left me first," Harm murmured, almost to himself.
"So you thought turnabout was fair play?" John’s full mouth quirked up at one corner in a sarcastic smile. "I know that one, too. I thought I could bring her to heel, so to speak, and all I succeeded in doing was throwing away the best thing I ever had."
"I can’t imagine you doing that," Harm mused.
John laughed mockingly. "I’m a stupid son of a bitch, Harm. That’s why I’m on this carrier instead of with her. I knew the minute I met you something was wrong and I assumed it was a woman. I didn’t know for sure but I certainly recognized myself a few years ago when I came onboard."
"I’d never pry into anyone’s business but if you ever want to… talk," Harm offered softly.
Men didn’t talk like women did and it was a little awkward but he liked the older man sitting across from him and it was obvious that his past was eating away at him. Harm wondered fleetingly if that’s what kind of future lay in store for him.
"You done eating?" John asked instead.
Harm nodded.
"Why don’t we go walk some of this off?"
A few minutes later, they were on deck. It was dark now, the carrier lit by hundreds of lights. The ocean breeze ruffled their hair and eased away the heat of the day as they walked in silence.
"I’ve never talked about what happened with anyone else," John stated quietly. "I’ve always been bad about keeping to myself and most the guys are so young…" his voice trailed off. "It’s funny how it becomes our nature to hold things in. To be strong and stoic. Women never seem to have that bad habit."
"The one I know does. Getting things out of her is like pulling teeth," Harm, smiled to himself, his eyes focused on the deck beneath their feet.
"Britain is like that," John smiled.
"Britain?" Harm glanced over at him.
"Said she hated it growing up because everyone made fun of her. She loves it now because it’s different. I call her Brie most of the time. She’s used to that, too," he explained.
Harm remained quiet, sensing John wasn’t done.
"I haven’t seen her in over a year. Not since the last time I was home. She wouldn’t even speak to me. I know you left someone behind, Harm. Someone you love if the look in your eyes is anything to go by. You can take this advice or not but speaking from experience, if you really love her, go back and work it out."
"I do love her. More than anything else in this whole world – even flying. I thought she loved me, too, and then she just left. Walked away without a word, without a backward glance, without even telling me she was leaving. She just slunk away like some thief in the night," Harm stated bitterly. "She left some half-hearted note about how bad she was for me and that was it. I tried to find her but she made sure not to leave a trail. I waited for a few days, John. I waited and prayed that she would call. That she’d let me help with whatever doubts she was feeling. I knew she was running but without being able to talk to her…" his voice trailed off.
John came to a stop and propped his arms up against a railing. "I left Britain because I thought I wasn’t good enough for her. I’ve been a loner my whole life. The Navy is all I’ve ever known. I was a SEAL once upon a time," he revealed.
"A SEAL? What are you doing flying on a carrier?"
"Lots of answers to that question, Commander. Let’s just say I was tired. I requested carrier duty and it’s tame compared to what I was up against back then. She wanted to settle and have a family and I don’t know…" he stopped abruptly. "I just don’t think I have it in me. I’ve learned to bury everything deep inside. Not to let anyone get close."
"I don’t believe that for a second or you wouldn’t be telling me any of this," Harm interjected.
"It’s probably just an aberration," John grinned.
"Sure," Harm nodded.
"Anyway, you just remind me, I guess of myself and I don’t want to ever see anyone end up like I have," John stated with quiet intensity. "Especially if she means the world to you."
"I don’t know," Harm sighed. "I think she made her decision. She’s been running from me in some form or fashion since things started to turn serious between us. A few months ago, she was kidnapped in Russia while she was on a mission. We went through hell to get her back. Things had been brewing between us for awhile but they kind of came to the surface then. After that, we were strained. Barely speaking to be truthful. I’d been seeing another woman for several months and we both knew that was in the way. And we work together everyday," Harm explained.
"What happened with the woman you were seeing?" John inquired.
"I ended it with her before I left JAG but truthfully, I think it ended long before that. I was never in love with her. I enjoyed her company and I wasn’t so lonely anymore but Jordan was really just a substitute for Mac. Besides, she pretty much screwed herself," Harm stated flatly.
"How so?"
"She paid Mac a visit after we first got back from Russia. She’s damn lucky Mac didn’t kill her. She pointed out how well we belonged together and ordered Mac to stay away from me outside of work because it was interfering in my relationship with Jordan. Mac came in the next morning and jumped in the middle of me with both feet. That really hurt me, John, and it was the beginning of the end for us as well. That she would think I would send Jordan to talk to her…" his voice trailed off as his memories carried him away to that hurtful morning.
"The next time you have something you want to tell me, Commander, I suggest you do it yourself instead of sending Jordan to do it for you."
"That was a low blow even for you."
"What are you talking about, Mac?"
"Like you don’t know."
"I don’t. Why don’t you enlighten me?"
Then his last conversation with Jordan popped up, unbidden. What an ugly mess that had been….
"Come in, sweetie. I started dinner already."
Harm strolled past her into the apartment. "I’m not hungry, Jordan," he answered brusquely.
Jordan seemed taken aback. "Did you have a bad day?" she asked.
"My day was fine. I want to know why you went to see Mac after we got back from Russia?" he demanded flatly, not even trying to have any polite conversation.
Jordan eyed him for a moment, her lips set in a thin line. Calmly, she took off her apron and folded it before putting it on the counter. "I felt I had a right to," she answered finally, looking at him directly.
"A right to?" Harm echoed. "A right to interfere in my life without my permission? Who gave you that right, Jordan? You’re not my wife."
"I’m your girlfriend and I felt like Mac was interfering. She always has. You drop everything to run when she snaps her fingers. How do you think that makes me feel, Harm? That you love her is as plain as the nose on your face. So you tell me why you got involved with me? Wouldn’t she give into that flyboy charm of yours?" Jordan sneered.
"Watch what you say," he warned. "Mac has nothing to do with you and me. And how I feel about her is irrelevant. We aren’t able to pursue a relationship and you know it so it’s a moot point. That doesn’t excuse what you did, Jordan. You had no right – girlfriend or not. If you felt Mac was in the way you should have come to me with your concerns, not snuck around behind my back to threaten her."
"And when do I ever see you, Harm? You spend more time with her than with me. When did I have a chance to tell you how I felt? While you were off in Russia playing the white knight? Or when she was staying with you to recuperate? Or again when you were in Texas playing at investigating? Tell me when, Harm. I must have missed it," Jordan retorted angrily.
"You know what? I’m not going to play this game with you. Let’s just call an end to this relationship and go our separate ways. I’m not going to discuss Mac with you, Jordan. Not ever. And I will not take you sneaking around trying to reorganize my life to suit you. I leave tomorrow for the Nimitz. I’m going back to carrier missions. You can do whatever the hell you want, Jordan. I simply don’t give a rat’s ass anymore. You and I through."
"Harm? Earth to Harm?"
Harm jerked back to the present and shook his head with a slight laugh. "Sorry, John. Just hearing some old memories for a moment there. Where was I? Oh, yes, after that, we kind of called a truce and then went to Texas to investigate the F-14 crash last month in the mountains there. To make a long story short, she got shot and I paid for sins I haven’t even thought abut committing when I saw her go down.
I was so sure she was going to die in my arms before we got her to the hospital. She pulled through it and after all the time in the hospital, I took her home with me to recuperate because she couldn’t really function on her own yet. The last night she was with me… well, things got out of hand. I told her I loved her and she said she loved me, too. The next morning she was gone and I found her note saying she was bad for me and that she could ruin my career. She wanted me to know it was…" In an unmanly fashion, his voice broke and he drew a slow breath. "How painful it was for her to leave and she didn’t know how she’d ever go on but she felt it was her only choice. She thought I would be better off without her."
"Why does she think that?" John asked. "I’m sorry," he apologized immediately. "That’s really none of my business."
"It’s not that. She’s made mistakes just like the rest of us. Her childhood was abusive and she was an alcoholic. But she overcame all that. John, she’s one of the strongest, brightest women I’ve ever known. I thought that from the moment I met her, long before I ever fell in love with her. Her past is part of what she’s become today. It’s made her strong but I love all the parts of her. But you know what makes this hardest of all, John?" Harm turned and looked at him. "It’s because I’m so damn mad at her. She left without even giving me a chance to consider my feelings. Without asking my opinion. She just presumed to know what was best for both of us," he stated angrily.
"I wonder if Brie had the very same thoughts when I left her?" John wondered aloud. "Standing here listening to your side of things is making me not like myself very much right now," he confessed.
"Sorry, John. I wasn’t trying to bring all your bad memories up," Harm sighed.
"I brought the subject up and maybe it’s about time I faced this. It sounds like Sarah and I are a lot alike, Harm. Maybe I can understand a little bit of what drove her to do what she did. I made the decision to leave without ever asking Brie. I never even stopped to consider what it would do to her or how it would make her feel. I just did it. I thought she deserved someone who could love her wholeheartedly. Someone who would always be there for her. Who would let her in, share his life with her, make her his number one concern," John murmured heavily.
"And doesn’t that description fit you to a tee?" Harm stated calmly.
John looked over at him, a mildly surprised look on his face. "No one will ever love her more than I do. But that doesn’t mean I’m good for her."
"Then you know how I feel, too. She walked out on me and whatever her reasons, I’m not sure I can get past that. She said she trusted me. She’s my very best friend and she said I was hers. If she trusted me then she should have believed in me."
1630 ZULU – NEXT DAY
JAG HEADQUARTERS
FALLS CHURCH, VA
"Major McKenzie? You have visitors at the desk."
Mac stared at her phone for a second as Harriett’s voice snapped her out her thoughts. "Thanks, Harriett. I’ll be right there."
Mac pushed back from her desk and stood up, smoothing her uniform. Pasting a smile on her face, she strode out into the bullpen. Harriett and Bud were talking to King and Storm. Mac noticed that the pair was earning more than a few passing glances.
"Mac!" Storm greeted, catching sight if her friend.
"I’m so glad you made it all right!" Mac returned, returning the redhead’s warm embrace. "King," she greeted, turning.
"See you found your way home okay," he drawled, hugging her.
Mac nodded. "I did," she murmured, clenching her hands into fists to control the shudder that went through her.
"What’s wrong?" Storm asked immediately.
Harriett used that moment to excuse herself from the group. She walked away with worried eyes, knowing why Mac’s heart was heavy. Her own was just as heavy.
"Honey, wait," King interrupted, touching Storm’s back. He looked at Mac. "Can we take you to lunch?"
"Sure," Mac answered, forcing a bright smile that didn’t reach her eyes.
After getting her purse and telling Harriett where they were going, they were on their way. In less than twenty minutes they were seated in a small restaurant. Never one to beat around the bush, Storm leaned forward and covered Mac’s hand.
"You’re sad, Mac. I can tell. What happened with Harm?" she questioned softly.
Mac looked down at their joined hands. "He left JAG before I came back. To go back to flying on a carrier," she muttered, her tone tired and withdrawn.
"To go back to flying?" Storm asked, her brow wrinkling in confusion.
Years ago before he joined JAG he flew Tomcats. He had a crash on the carrier deck and was told he lost his night vision so he had to change his designator. That’s he came to JAG. While I was on the ranch he went to see a doctor and found out he’d been misdiagnosed all those years ago. They did laser surgery to rid him of some retinal scarring and he asked the Admiral to change he designator back to flying. The Admiral said he was adamant about going even though it’s a major step back for his career. He’s throwing away everything he’s worked so hard for," Mac stated bitterly.
"Including you?" King murmured gently.
Mac squeezed her eyes shut and nodded.
"Have you tried to get in touch with him? To talk to him?" Storm asked.
Mac shook her head.
"Don’t you think you ought to?" The younger woman persisted.
"He made his decision, Storm," Mac answered, sitting up straighter.
"Oh, Mac, don’t let it end here."
"What can I do? He’s gone. He went back to a carrier so he obviously has closed the door on us!" Mac flared back, wavering between anger and tears now.
Storm was quiet for a moment. She remember so well a day a few years back when she had felt much the same as her new friend.
She remembered the hurt and the angry words just like it was happening all over again. She looked over at her husband and knew from the look in his jade green eyes that he was thinking the same thing as her. King reached across the table and grasped Mac’s hand.
"Five years ago I very nearly let my most precious gift slip away. I held onto my pride and sent her away because I thought she lied to me. And I thought I would be better off without her. I know your situation isn’t the same, Mac, but I know you’re hanging onto your pride and let me tell you this. Pride is a cold and lonely companion and it brings no comfort when you’re on your knees," he murmured.
For a man normally short on words, it was a gifted speech and it strummed every one of Mac’s heartstrings. Deep inside she recognized the truth and the wisdom in what he was saying. Pride was a lonely substitute for love. It couldn’t keep you warm, comfort you, hold you or love you in return. And it couldn’t grow old with you. But it could lock you in a horrible prison.
Later, they said a tearful goodbye in the parking lot of JAG. Mac promised to stay in touch and to think about the situation between her and Harm.
"You have to believe in yourself, Mac, and believe that you’re worth so much or you will spend the rest of your life alone the way you’ve always feared. You told me you loved Harm more than anything or anyone else in this world. I’m not sure you even know what those words mean. If you did, you wouldn’t be running away. You’d face the risk and take the chance he’s offering. You can’t have love without trust."
"That was a little below the belt, Storm. You just don’t understand what I’ve been through," she whispered, feeling her world shattering anew.
"Oh, honey, you know better than that. King and I both understood more than you think. Each one of us has been through something we’ve had to overcome. I understand about not fitting in. About not being liked for who you are inside, but for what you can do for people. I’ve been there and done that, Mac. I was only a means to an end for my grandfather. Women look at King and see dollar signs. There’s always something with a price and I’ve had to pay mine. It seems there’s been a lot of things said and I don’t think you’re listening to who really matters, Mac. Maybe it’s time you did."
0030 ZULU
MAJOR MACKENZIE’S APARTMENT
GEORGETOWN
Later, when Mac was alone in the quiet of her apartment, she allowed herself to think about what Storm and King had said. Despite all their words to the contrary, it didn’t feel like anyone understood how frightened she was of this thing between her and Harm. Everyone she’d ever loved left her. She was afraid of taking that risk with Harm.
Sighing, she stood up and went to her desk. There sat a picture of them. It was taken the night of the ball at the Sudanese Embassy in the Admiral’s office beforehand. Harm was standing behind her, his dress whites the perfect foil for the blue evening gown Webb had purchased for her.
Her arms were stretched out behind her back and he was playfully holding her hands. They looked happy and relaxed even though they were about to get into a mission.
"We’ve been friend for almost four years now but I feel like no matter what I do, you’re always less than a step behind me. If I make a mistake, you try to correct it, if I get hurt, you threaten to kill the jerk. You’ve always had me under your wing. I’ve never, for a second, wished we weren’t friends, Harm, but..." her fingers smoothed over the image under the glass. "You overwhelm me."
She had flipped the stereo on when she came in and a haunting piano intro grabbed her attention. Still holding the picture, she walked over to the couch and sat down to listen.
Here I go, restless heart,
Another lovely misadventure in the dark,
All my friends who knew me when,
Tell me not to wander down that road again,
What they don’t know, what they can’t see,
It’s being on that road that makes me free…
Some say I’m running,
I know I’m falling… back to you.
The words touched her deeply. Being with Harm – being in his arms – made her free. It made her truly alive for the first time in her life.
When does a fool stop being a fool?
And since when is love obliged to any rules?
Some say I’m running
But I know I’m falling… back to you.
The words came straight from her soul. Her hands clenched tightly around the picture frame. She was afraid to love Harm. And she was terrified to lose him. But terrified at the same time of facing the future alone. She was letting her past rule her. Giving it the power to make her choices. Instead, it held her captive in an endless darkness where the only light was her best friend. And without him, there was no light in her heart. She was the fool and maybe it was time she stopped being the fool. Like the song said – since when is love obliged?
It wasn’t.
Not ever.
The obligation was hers and hers alone.
She wouldn’t cry for the memories. Because the beautiful memories of their one night together were all she had. All she would ever have and they would have to be enough.
"I knew this was going to be hard but I didn’t know it would hurt so bad," she whispered to the picture. "Leaving you was like tearing off a part of myself and throwing it in the trash.
Now I’m here alone in this tiny little apartment with my misery. How fitting. Silence in this dark little world to match the silence in my heart."
1400 ZULU – TWO DAYS LATER
JAG HEADQUARTERS
FALLS CHURCH, VA
Admiral Chegwidden watched his staff return to their respective duties at the end of his staff meeting and turned to go back to his own desk. For two days he’d watched one of his favorite people in the world go from bad to worse. From the dark circles under her liquid brown eyes to the gaunt look in her cheeks and the way her uniform was hanging on her. The night before he talked to a very old friend of his, Rear Admiral Robert Burkman. An old friend and the man in charge of the Nimitz and her crew. He reported that Harm was in the same condition as Mac. A.J. recalled parts of their conversation.
"Work wise he’s a brilliant pilot, A.J. He’s been partnered with one of the best men I have, Lt. Commander John McKaye. And from what I understand, they readily accepted him into the 35 and Distinguished Club," Robert chuckled softly.
"The 35 and Distinguished Club?" A.J. questioned, leaning back in his chair.
"There’s about a dozen or so of them over 35. John’s the oldest at forty. I’ve made it a point to keep an eye on young Rabb. Captain Glenn tells me Rabb and McKaye spend a lot of time together. McKaye’s a damn good pilot with a colorful background. He’s a SEAL," The Admiral revealed.
"A SEAL? What’s he doing flying carrier duty?" A.J. asked, crossing one leg over the other at the ankle.
"That’s too long of a story to go into but I think those two are peas in a pod. But your young Commander is definitely wasting away. I would hate to lose him but this isn’t where he belongs, A.J. Isn’t there something you can do to get him back to JAG?"
A.J. sighed deeply. "I wish there was. I tried every argument I could think of to make him stay. Nothing got through to him. I guess it’s out of my hands now."
Coming back to the present, A.J. stared down at two envelopes he held in his hands. Here was one last ditch effort. Getting involved was something he rarely ever did and if he weren’t dealing with Mac and Harm, he wouldn’t be getting involved this time but he felt like he had to do something. He would never tell how he ended up with the letters nor would he tell he was behind them being sent. But maybe, just maybe when they were read by the parties they were addressed to it would knock some sense into their heads. Maybe they could see past all their fears and disillusionment to find their way back together. A.J. knew what it was like to be alone. He was past his prime and alone. And he had no prospects in sight. It was hard sometimes and lonely. He didn’t want that for Sarah and Harm. They had something rare and precious and if it took him meddling into their business, then he had to at least give it a try.
"Tiner? Come here, please."
The door opened almost immediately. "Sir."
"At ease, son. I need you to have these delivered for me and I want it kept in the strictest of confidence. This one is for Major MacKenzie and this one goes to Commander Rabb. Got it?" he asked.
"Yes, sir, Admiral. I’ll see to it immediately," Tiner promised and left the office.
A.J. sat back in his seat. Now he would wait and see if this had any effect on his two stubborn officers.
1800 ZULU
JAG HEADQUARTERS
FALLS CHURCH, VA
Mac found a plain white envelope in her inbox when she came back from lunch. Frowning, she turned it over in her hand. There was nothing written on it and no return address. Sitting down in her chair, she turned toward the window a little and pulled out a single sheet of paper. She recognized Harm’s handwriting immediately. With her heart beating a little faster, she began to read.
"Oh, Mac, where do I begin to talk to you? We’ve never had a problem communicating before but suddenly it seems like we can’t even exchange hellos. How did we get to this point? A week ago I was holding you in my arms and kissing you. A week ago I never wanted to be away from you. I wanted to keep you so close a ray of light couldn’t come between us. And now a week later when we aren’t even speaking, that’s what I still want.
A week ago I felt like the King of the mountain. I had everything. A job I love, a CO I would die for, two junior officers that are more like family to me than anyone I’ve ever known and… and you, Sarah. Most important of all, I had you. The one thing I want more than anything else in my life is you. But, now – this morning – with harsh words between us, I feel like the biggest fool in the world standing on the littlest hill. Everything that I rejoiced in a week ago is unraveling at my feet. Unraveling like so much string wrapped in a ball. An unraveled King of the mountain. That makes a lot of sense, doesn’t it? But you always make sense of what I say, Mac. You make sense of things when I don’t understand them myself.
I wonder if I ever stop to tell you that? Do I tell you how much you mean to me? Do I tell you how grateful I am for all the times you’ve stood by me? All the times you’ve supported me, held me up, urged me to keep going. To keep seeking the truth, the justice. Did I thank you for going with me to Russia? To search for my father and uncover the truth? You risked your life and your career for me. Even though I desperately tried to talk you out of going. I didn’t want anything to happen to you. But at the same time I wanted you with me. I want you with me all the time – every second, every minute, every day. There’s a place for you in my heart, Mac. And there’s a place for me in yours. I feel it inside. One day we’re going to match up those two places. I won’t let you go this easily. Not when I’ve waited my whole life to find you."
The letter was short and simple and didn’t sound like he ever intended for her to read it but it reduced Mac to tears all the same. There in the quiet of her office, she put her head in her hands, still holding the letter, and wept. Harm was right. How had they ever gotten to this point? Reduced to running away from each other and leaving their communication scattered like so many pieces at their feet. But more importantly, could they ever put the pieces back together?
1000 ZULU – NEXT DAY
USS NIMITZ – COMMANDER RABB’S QUARTERS
INDIAN OCEAN
There was an envelope on his bed when he came in from the gym. His name was on the front but there was no return address. He dropped his gym bag on the bed and scooped up the letter, turning to sit down. He slid his finger beneath the flap and pulled out a single sheet of lined paper. Mac’s handwriting covered the page. Drawing in a slow, deep breath to calm the sudden racing of his heart, he began to read.
"Harm, for the last three years now you've been my partner and my very best friend. There isn't anyone else in this world that knows me the way you do. That's why I can't understand how we've reached this point. Unraveled and carried away... That's what we've been reduced to.
After all we've been through together are we determined to let it end this way? I don't want to believe we will. Or believe that we even could. All that we've worked so hard to accomplish is coming unraveled, like a fragile knot that wasn't tied tight. We're being carried away by our growing feelings, Harm, and that is something we should be taking seriously. Not something to sweep under the rug and forget about. But when you and I are together all this distance and confusion fades. I've always thought my feet were planted firmly on the ground - that I was pretty levelheaded. But when you come around... well, I get carried away by the look in your eyes. By your smile... One touch and I turn into a dithering idiot. I feel like nothing else in this world should matter but being with you.
I guess that's why I'm so confused. Because I don't know how you feel about me. I'm certain we're making this harder than it should be. There must be a way for you and I to make it together. To overcome my stubbornness and your pride. A way to admit our feelings for each other. Feelings I'm sure we have because no matter what the silly voice in my head says, my heart knows you would never have kissed me the way you did if you didn't care for me. And, I, my love, wouldn't have kissed you back wishing we could go on that way forever."
He frowned and read the letter again. That was it. No signature or anything and it sounded more like ramblings than an actual letter. And it wasn’t written recently, he was sure of it. It sounded like she’d written it after their first kiss. Harm read it again and again. She did love him. He knew she did. But what did this mean? Was she trying to find a way to figure things out? Did she want to try again?
Calmly, he folded the letter and put it back in the envelope. He wasn’t going to think about this now. He was going on duty and this mess already occupied his mind day and night. Harm dropped the letter onto the bed and stared at the floor between his feet, resting his forearms on his thighs.
{Damn you, Sarah MacKenzie, he thought fiercely. My life was calm and orderly before you came into it. Now it’s in pieces at my feet. Right along with my heart, he added morosely.}
He’d gone over her leaving in his head a thousand times since he’d arrived on the ship and still could make no sense of what happened. But as he’d told John, he didn’t know what else there was for him to do. He certainly wasn’t going to beg her. He couldn’t spend the rest of his life on such an uncertain plane. Mac could leave him at anytime and he couldn’t put himself at risk like that again. He wouldn’t take anything less than absolute certainty from her. He couldn’t handle this a second time.
Lifting his hands, he cradled his aching head in them, feeling tears sting his eyes. He wasn’t sleeping well at all - wasn’t even trying really. None of his previous relationships had ever been this serious, leading him to believe he’d never really been in love. Well, he was now and it sucked. Nope, he didn’t like feeling this way one bit. There in the silence and the emptiness, he felt the tears he’d been fighting for days begin to fall, releasing the emotion that had been mounting since he’d woken up and found her gone. How was he ever going to get through this? He loved Mac with every breath in his body and he didn’t want to be without her. He didn’t know what this letter meant but he would figure it out later. Right now he still wasn’t sure where he wanted to go with their relationship. A relationship they didn’t really even have. And while he was trying to figure that out, he would think about whether or not he could get over her leaving him.
1300 ZULU
JAG HEADQUARTERS
FALLS CHURCH, VA
"Major MacKenzie to see you, sir."
Admiral Chegwidden stared at the phone for just an instant and laid his pen down. "Send her in, PO."
"Aye, sir."
Mac came into his office and came to attention.
"At ease, Major. Have a sit."
Stiffly, Mac lowered herself into the chair facing him, folding her hands together in her lap.
"What’s on your mind, Major?" A.J. asked.
"Sir, I’d like to request permission to go out to the Nimitz."
All though it was what he’d been hoping for, the request still surprised A.J. He leaned back in his chair slightly and studied his hands.
"Let’s drop the formalities, Mac, and talk straight for a moment. Do you want to work things out with Harm?" he asked softly.
"If there’s any way to do it – yes. That’s exactly what I want," she whispered fleetingly. "I got…" she paused for a moment. "I got something yesterday that made me think harder than ever about this. I’ve spent most of my life running from one thing or another, Admiral. I don’t want to run anymore. I only hope I haven’t screwed things up so badly that I can’t fix them," she ended.
"I’ll make the arrangements for you to go out on the next transport, Mac. I suggest you go home and pack a bag," A.J. stated, lifting one corner of his mouth into a smile.
"Thank you, sir. You don’t know how much I appreciate this," she murmured, smiling fully.
"I have an idea," he grinned.
2200 ZULU
USS NIMITZ
INDIAN OCEAN
"Watch your step, Major."
Mac took the hand of the young Ensign who greeted the helicopter transport and stepped lightly down on the deck. Clutching her bag tightly, Mac followed him across the deck and into the ship.
"I’ll show you to your quarters, Major, and then take you up to meet Captain Glenn. Commander Rabb is up in the air currently."
Ten minutes and 23 second later Ensign Mastin led her into the bullpen area where Captain Glenn was monitoring the Tomcats in the air.
"Major MacKenzie, good to have you onboard!" he greeted, extending his hand to her.
"Captain Glenn," she returned the handshake. "Thank you for having me."
"Commander Rabb is due to come down in about 15 minutes of you don’t mind the wait?" the Captain asked.
"Not at all," Mac answered.
Thousands of feet overhead, Harm made a turn and raised a thumb over his shoulder to John. "You ready to go down?" he asked.
"Anytime you are," John called back, his voice just a bit tinny through their headsets.
Suddenly the roar of another jet blasted them from overhead, rocking the Tomcat.
"What the hell!" Harm exclaimed, turning his head to see who had flown over them that way.
"Hammer! We’ve got bogies at 3:00! I repeat – 2 incoming Israeli Thunders! Break left, Hammer, left!"
The order came from Cody, Jester, as he was known in the air. He and Dylan, call sign Spook, were flying on Harm’s wing.
Harm turned the Tomcat immediately to the left just as the incoming missile lock sounded in the cockpit. A Python exploded by them, narrowly missing their wing.
"Oh, shit! Have you got a position, John? Where are they?" Harm demanded.
"I’ve got ‘em on radar! 20 left at 30 miles. 900 knots closure!"
"Ghost Rider, we have two Israeli F-151s up here dogging us. Do you have them on radar? Talk to me!" Harm called to the crew onboard the Nimitz.
"This is Ghost Rider – vector 090 for bogey."
"Talk to me, Jester! Give me a reading!" Harm called to Cody.
"I have radar and visual, Hammer. Inbound 270 at 20 miles. 900 knots closure!" Cody responded.
"I’ve got two," Harm stated. "Repeat – I’ve got two. Do you see a trailer?" he asked.
"I have visual on two," Cody answered. "Visual on two!"
Down below, Mac stood next to Captain Glenn. A foot away was the man communicating with Harm and his wingman. Fear knotted in her stomach and she felt beads of sweat break out on her forehead. This situation could quickly turn to life or death for Harm and the three men flying with him.
"What’s their position?" Captain Glenn asked the other man.
"Range 280 miles and closing."
"If they break 150 launch the emergency squad," Captain Glenn ordered.
"Yes, sir."
"Hammer! He’s on my tail! I need some help here!" Cody yelled.
"I’m on my way. 30 seconds."
Harm swung the Tomcat in a hard right and came up behind the Thunder on Cody’s tail. "I’ve got him, Jester. Bring it back and help me engage! I’m going to take him down the left!" Harm snapped out.
"He’s got a lock on us! He’s got a lock! Oh, shit, Hammer! I see number 3! I repeat – I see a trailer. We have 3!" Cody burst out.
Gunfire split the sky, hitting Cody and Dylan. "We’re hit! We’re hit! He’s on our tail and locked! Hammer, we’re hit!"
"I’m on it, Jester. On three I want you to break hard right! Three, two, one – break right!"
Cody swung the fighter to the right and Harm fired. The F-151 exploded, showering the air with debris. The two Tomcats came almost side by side. Harm looked around them and saw that the Thunders had split apart. They were coming from both sides now.
"Position, Jester! Where’s the other two?" Harm asked.
"Radar at 10 miles and closing!"
"Hammer, this is Ghost Rider. Position 180 miles bearing to 010."
"Hammer, look out!" Cody yelled.
One of the Thunders flew right up between Harm and Cody.
"Shit! We just flew through his jet wash!" Cody swore. Alarms filled the cockpit and he struggled to bring the plane back under control.
"Bring us around, Jester! Bring us around!" Dylan cried, feeling the plane begin a downward spiral.
Cody finally gained control and brought the nose up. He turned the Tomcat left just as another barrage of gunfire flew toward them.
"He’s firing again!" Harm warned. "Break right! Break right!"
"He overshot!" Cody yelled. "I’m coming around, Hammer! This one’s mine!" he stated.
Harm turned his own attention to the matter at hand. The other Thunder was swinging around behind him, trying to get a lock on them.
"Hammer, he’s engaging!" John called. "Step on it! We’re slowing down!" he added.
"I’m bringing him in closer!" Harm called back.
"Closer? Are you out of your mind?" John yelled.
"I’ve got to get him around us! Let him come in!" Harm answered.
The Thunder was almost on them now and the missile lock sounded in their ears.
"He’s firing, Hammer! He’s firing!"
Without warning, Harm slammed on the brakes and jerked the Tomcat hard left. The F-151 flew straight over their heads, his missile going wild into the air. Harm immediately came up behind him.
"Dead ahead! Dead ahead!" John cried.
"We are locked and firing!" Harm answered
The missile lock sounded again and Harm fired. His aim was true and the Sidewinder hit the F-151, blowing it apart.
"One to go, Hammer! One to go!" John said.
"I’ve lost visual!" Cody’s voice broke in. "I’ve lost him in the sun!"
"Jester, he’s coming up behind us! Coming up behind us! Can you get a lock?" John demanded.
"We have a visual, Wolf! We have a visual!" Cody shouted. I’ve got him right down the middle. Break away, Hammer! Break away!"
Harm snapped the Tomcat up, climbing away from the Thunder. Cody ‘s radar locked in and he fired. An instant later the last of the Thunders exploded.
"Ghost Rider, this is Hammer. We have neutralized the enemy threat."
From the deck of the Nimitz cheers erupted from the flight crew. Inside, Mac heard the excited chatter and cheers from the men around her but she was only dimly aware of their enthusiasm. Relief such as she’d never known washed through her, nearly making her knees buckle. She’s been privy to the entire scene at 15,000 miles and it scared the hell out of her. She almost…
"Major MacKenzie?"
Captain Glenn’s voice jerked her from her musings. "I’m sorry, sir," she apologized.
"They’re coming down. Ensign Mastin will take you up to meet Commander Rabb."
"Thank you," Mac managed to answer.
A few minutes later, Ensign Mastin showed her to a small glass-fronted ready room that faced the flight deck. From there she watched as first one Tomcat came in and then the other, landing smoothly as the cables caught and pulled them to a stop. Members of the flight crew pushed them into place and the canopies opened. She spotted Harm the instant he emerged.
His fellow crewmembers slapped him on the back and shook his hand and generally made a big fuss over him and the three men who’d been flying with him. She smiled to herself as she watched. He was certainly in his element with all the attention. Just what he needed to make his cocky ego grow a little more.
As he drew away from the group, Ensign Mastin met up with him and Mac’s breath caught when he looked in her direction. Nodding at the young Ensign, Harm started toward the ready room. And then he was there in front of her, staring at her as if he was seeing a ghost.
The long weeks of not seeing him fell away the second her eyes met his. Mac felt her heart slow and then begin to thump almost painfully. She licked her dry lips and tried to swallow the hard lump in her throat. This was much harder then she’d ever anticipated now that she was standing here looking at him.
"Mac."
"Hi, Sailor," she managed to get out.
"What brings you out here?" he asked calmly. "Is there something wrong at JAG?"
Mac shook her head. "No, there’s nothing wrong there. I came to see you," she told him, pleased to hear that her voice was steady.
The rest of her certainly wasn’t. She clenched her trembling hands together so tight her knuckles were white from the strain. The dark green flight suit he wore did almost as much for his tall form as the dress whites she so loved him in. And it wasn’t like she’d never seen him in a flight suit before. But she had to admit she’d forgotten how good he looked.
"Must be something important for you to come all the way out here," he mused thoughtfully.
"It is," she answered softly. "I have something to say and it needs to be said face-to-face," she murmured.
Harm didn’t answer right away, he just stood there looking at her. She was more beautiful then ever if that was possible. It was like he’d never been away from her.
"Why don’t we go down to my quarters where it’s private? I don’t want the whole crew watching us," he stated.
Mac nodded and they left the ready room. It took a few minutes to navigate the carrier but he opened a door and stepped back to let her go on ahead of him. Mac clenched her hands together again, suddenly nervous with him. It was foreign to feel it at all. Their comfort level with each other had always been balanced. His presence in the tiny room was overwhelming and sudden, unbidden images of their last night together flittered through her mind. Resolutely, Mac pushed them away. Now wasn’t the time to think about that.
"What did you want to talk to me about?" If he was surprised to see her he hid it well and he sounded so still and formal that Mac wanted to cry.
"I just want to talk to you, Harm, please."
He looked as if he might refuse for a second before he nodded and sat down at his small writing desk. A shiver passed through Mac and she rubbed her arms. Nervously, she perched herself on the edge of his bunk. He face bore traces of many, many long hours. It looked like he was driving himself in the ground.
"How have you been?" she asked, trying to break the ice.
"Fine. Getting back into the swing of things. I’ve been up in the air a lot and I still have a long way to go to prove myself. You didn’t come all the way out here to ask how I was doing, did you, Mac?" he asked, his lips twisting bitterly.
"No, I didn’t, Harm. All the same, I’m glad to see you’re doing....well." The words sounded stilted and she winced. She didn’t know what else to say.
"Since you don’t know where to start, allow me. Why did you leave me the morning after we made love?" he demanded, his voice low and hard, mocking her.
"I didn’t know how to face you," she answered tremulously. "I’ve made such a mess of things, I know. I was terrified when I woke up and the enormity of all we’d done hit me," she explained, praying he would understand.
"Why are you here now?" he asked, his face impassive, giving her nothing to go on.
Mac didn’t answer him at first, not know where to begin but knowing if she ever wanted to be back in his life, she had to start somewhere.
"Because I owe it to you. And to myself. Because I was such a stupid fool to have ever left like that in the first place. I have no good explanation for it, Harm. Only that I was afraid. Afraid of you, afraid of all I was feeling, afraid of the situation. I hated myself even as I was doing it. But I hate what I’ve become and the way my life is going."
Harm watched her rub her arms. He’d been so surprised to see her in the ready room that you could have knocked him over with a feather. She was the very last person he expected to find onboard the carrier. Especially after she ran away from him so many weeks ago.
His eyes were so hungry for the sight of her that it took every ounce of willpower he possessed not to swoop her up in his arms and carry her off. She had come to him and if they were going to be together, she would have to take the final steps by herself. Harm couldn’t make the decision for her. As she talked, Harm willed himself to remain silent and listen. His heart ached with every word as he listened to the misery in her tone. She looked straight at him, something she hadn’t done when she left him that goodbye letter and Harm found himself full of pride at her courage. For a woman who had so hard a time recognizing her own worth, it took a lot of nerve for her to come here and spill her guts.
"You know what a mess I’ve made of my lie. There’s been so many failures. With Eddie and Dalton and John. I feel like a jinx, Harm. When I realized how deeply I really felt for you all the old fears just choked me. I was terrified that I would lose you, too, just like I’ve lost all the others. And then there’s the most recent messes I’ve made. The Admiral’s Mast and the Article 32 hearing. How can I ask you to sully your reputation like that by being with me? You’ve worked so hard to make your career what it is. People do things for you because they know they can depend on you. They know you’re trustworthy and dependable. That if they do you a favor you won’t use it against them. People don’t feel that way about me. When I wrote that letter I honestly thought I was doing what was best for you, Harm. I didn’t want you to have a reason to be ashamed of me," she whispered painfully.
She drew in a deep breath and stared down at her hands. "I’ve always been afraid to let anyone get too close. I figured I could go on about my life and be perfectly content the way I was without you. I don’t know what drove me that day.
Please, believe me, Harm, when I tell you that my own fears never had anything to do with you or the way you treat me. You’ve always been wonderful to me. But I was so wrapped up in my own misery that I just knew I would be left behind like all the other times. What I didn’t count on was how much I love you. There was so much I felt like I had to spare you from. Including being an alcoholic. Every day of my life is a step. Steps I’ll never finish climbing until I’m dead. Each day that I handle what’s happening in my life - good or bad - without booze is one more step I’ve taken."
Harm sat still and quiet while she was talking, silently taking in all that she was saying. He wished with everything in him that he could just snap his fingers and make all the bad between them disappear. All he wanted to remain was what was good and beautiful.
"You said ‘was terrified’. Has that changed now?" his tone was neutral.
"I’m still terrified but two well-meaning friends have forced me to see things in a different light. When I left you that morning I went back to Texas to see Storm. I was there for several days before all their well-meaning words finally sank in. They shared their own stories with me. As it turned out, Storm has a pretty colorful past for as young as she is. But she drove some fine points home. She suggested I take a long, hard look at myself in the mirror - with my heart instead of my eyes. I didn’t like what I saw, Harm. I wasn’t even sure I recognized myself anymore. I was doing the same thing I’d done all those years ago when I was drinking. I was running away and hiding. I was afraid to take a risk but I don’t have alcohol to hide behind now, just my own foolish insecurities.
After hearing all they had to say, I realized my problems really weren’t that big when I looked at the problems other people face. Storm understood exactly what I was going through. How could I saddle you with me and alienate you from friends and associates? And what would I do when you got bored and moved on?" Mac smiled wanly, twisting her hands together nervously. "This is hard, Harm, harder than anything I think I’ve ever done and I wouldn’t blame you if you never wanted to see me again, but I had to try. You were right about so many things. I do love you, Harm. I love you more than life itself and I’m so sorry that I pushed you away. Standing up in the flight room with Captain Glenn listening to you fight with those Israelis, I was more afraid than I’ve ever been before.
God, I sound like a broken record," she grimaced. "I thought you were going to die right before my eyes. Before I could have a chance to tell you I was sorry," her voice cracked and she blinked furiously to dispel the gathering tears. She didn’t come here to cry all over the place. "I know I keep saying that but it’s all I know to say. Even though it doesn’t take away from all the pain I’ve caused you. Pushing you away hurt worse than anything I’ve ever done. All my fears of being alone, of being hurt, were coming true. The sad thing was, I brought them on all by myself. You’ve never done anything but love me, Harm. And I threw it all back in your face."
Harm wanted to go to her then but he held himself back. He desperately needed for her to make the last step on her own. He needed her to be sure. If she changed her mind again, it would destroy him.
"I’ve been more unhappy since I left you than I can ever remember being. I can’t promise that I’ll never get scared and that I’ll never feel like running, but I can promise to try. Being in your life means more to me than being protected. I’m just sorry it took me losing you to make me see that."
Mac began to feel her hopes die inside when he didn’t respond. He’d been entirely too quiet while she was talking, not interrupting or asking any questions. Harm studied her closely, taking note of her pale, drawn features, of the dark circles under her eyes. A million things scrambled through his head and he didn’t know what to say first. Mac’s heart dropped to her feet when he remained silent. She had so hoped.... well, it didn’t matter what she’d hoped. Obviously Harm wasn’t ready to give her a second chance. Stiffly, Mac rose to her feet, clutching her purse.
"I guess that’s all I have to say. I thought.... I guess it doesn’t matter what I thought. Thank you, though, for listening. I had to try...something," she whispered, barely able to force the words out.
As she opened the front door, Harm thought he heard her whisper I love you. And then she was gone just as quickly as she’d come, closing the door behind her with a resounding click that echoed deep within his soul. Stiffly, Harm rose to his feet and went over to the door. He stood there for a moment, warring with himself about going after her. Blood pounded in his head, making it ache. His throat was so tight he couldn’t have spoken just then if his life had depended on it. As the full weight of her leaving hit him, his knees crumpled and he sank slowly to the floor, his back against the hatch. With his elbows propped on his bent knees, Harm buried his head in his hands and cried like the big coward he was. It had taken more courage than she would ever know she possessed for Mac to come talk to him and admit she was wrong. And he hadn’t said a word. Instead, he’d just let the most precious gift he’d ever had walk out of his life a second time.
0300 ZULU – LATER THAT NIGHT
MAJOR MACKENZIE’S APARTMENT
GEORGETOWN
It wasn’t until she reached the safety of her own apartment that Mac finally allowed herself to break down. Collapsing on her bed, she cried until there were no more tears to cry. It took every last shred of nerve she had to face him and tell him what was in her heart and that was how he repaid her? By standing there and never saying a word? By not even acknowledging all she’d told him? How dare he! You hurt him very badly. What did you expect him to do? The little voice in her head whispered.
I expected him to forgive me.
I wanted him to tell me he still loved me to.
Mac couldn’t pull herself together the next morning no matter how hard she tried. So she called Admiral Chegwidden and told him she needed a personal day. He gave it to her, bless his heart, and never asked her how the trip went. There was no way she could have told him that her heart was in more pieces now than ever. She’d failed all the way around. She failed herself and she failed Harm.
Hours into the day she was still curled up in a miserable heap in bed when someone knocked on her front door. She lay there for a moment, hoping whoever it was would just go away. The knock came again. Growling with frustration, Mac dragged herself off the bed and snatched up her robe.
"I’m coming!" she yelled through the apartment.
Jerking the belt tight on her robe, she unlocked the door and yanked it open. The last man she ever expected to see again was standing on the other side of the threshold.
"Harm!" she gasped
Harm took in her disheveled appearance. Her hair was mussed and her eyes were red and puffy. His heart twisted painfully. She’d been crying – and crying a lot from the looks of it.
"May I come in?" he asked softly.
Wordlessly, Mac stepped back and allowed him to walk past her. She closed the door and turned the lock before coming around to face him.
"What are you doing here?" she asked tonelessly.
"You said a lot of things yesterday when you came to see me. Fool that I am, I stood there and never said a word back," he lips twisted derisively.
He crossed the few feet between them and grasped her arms. "You hurt me bad, Mac. Thinking you didn’t trust me enough to believe in me was a hard pill to swallow. I kept telling myself you needed time because you’d been hurt in the past. I know we haven’t really been together for long but I know I love you. I think I did from the beginning, I just didn’t recognize it until later. You’re my whole world, Mac. I live and breathe your every touch. I love you so much that when you shut me out it felt like a slap in the face. I know you were trying to find it in your heart to end things before they went too far, but you waited a split second too long. Things went way beyond our control. What frustrated me more was not knowing how to help you. I felt like a bumbling fool. There’s very little I’ve ever been scared of but having you leave me scared me more than facing those Israelis last night ever could have. Being up the air has certainly given me plenty of time to think. I was trying to force you out of my thoughts.
I figured if I worked hard enough and long enough, I would be able to sleep without dreaming of you. Of the way you look, the way you feel in my arms, the way we make love. I didn’t know what else I could do. I couldn’t force you to trust me. And I didn’t know how to convince you that I was here to stay. I know I didn’t say anything yesterday but the truth is I couldn’t find the words. I’m a coward. I should have stopped you right then and there and told you how I felt. Looking at what kind of courage it took for you to come all the way out to the carrier to see me made me realize I’d been fool to. I left JAG in a fit of anger instead of waiting for you to come back on your own. I’m willing to settle for whatever you can give, Mac. I figure I can hold out in hopes that I will eventually wear you down. If I can’t then I guess we’ll go on like we are now. No matter what – it sure as hell beats being without you. I love you so much that I’ll accept you on any terms. Even if you never love me as much as I love you. Even if it means life without marriage. I can’t live without you. Truthfully, I don’t want to go another trying to pretend I can."
Mac smiled tenderly and tears welled up in her eyes. She touched his cheek, feeling a small flame of hope spring to life. "I can’t even tell you how it makes me feel to hear you say something like that. That you would be willing to sacrifice what you want more than anything to settle for less with me. Well, that’s not good enough, Harm." His face fell at her words.
His eyes were bleak. "I waited too long, didn’t I? Please, Mac, I...."
Mac touched her fingers to his lips, silencing him. "It’s not good enough, Harm, because I want the whole ball of wax.
I love you with everything single breath in my body and I would lay down my life to prove it to you. I want everything you and I can possibly reach for. I want marriage, babies and a lifetime of you. Nothing you could have said would have made a difference until I could find a way to believe in myself. I’m still not one hundred percent there but I am sure of your love. I’m sure that being with you is better than being alone. I just couldn’t take that. And I know I have only myself to blame for the last few weeks. I blamed you for every thing every guy has ever done to me and that was grossly unfair. As Storm so justly pointed out, you kept coming back – even when things were at their worst. You believed in me when no one else did. Even when I didn’t believe in myself. You’ve proved your love to me over and over."
"I won’t ever stop loving you, Mac. I fell in love with you, with the woman you are on the inside. It doesn’t matter to me what you’ve done in the past. What matters to me is what we do from here on out. We have a chance at the kind of happiness some people spend their whole lives looking for and never find. You’re past is a part of you. It’s what makes you the woman you are now. You have more strength and courage than any one person I’ve ever known. You’re the only one who doesn’t see what you’re worth, Sarah. I will always encourage you and stand by you no matter what. I promise you that. Just don’t shut me out or think I won’t understand. You’re a part of me. The very best part of what makes me whole and I don’t to lose you."
Harm’s voice was thick with emotion and as Mac watched, a tear slipped from his lashes and wound a path down his cheek. Tenderly, she reached up and brushed it away.
"I love you," she whispered, her throat tight.
"I love you, too, baby, more than anything in this world."
Harm slid one hand into her hair and tilted her head back. The first touch of his lips was so sweet, Mac felt as if her heart would burst.
Wrapping her arms around his shoulders, she kissed him back, pouring every thing she had into the melding of their mouths. Harm pulled back slightly and pressed tiny kisses to the rest of her face, nipping at the end of her nose and drawing forth a laugh.
"I’d like nothing more than to scoop you up in my arms and carry you to bed, " he murmured, resting his forehead against hers.
"I’m not standing in your way," she whispered. "Maybe you can show that the real thing is better than my memories," she told him, her eyes glowing with love.
In her bedroom, Harm led Mac to the circle of sunlight spilling in through the windows and turned her to face him. Feverish with a need to feel her against him without any barriers, he stripped away her robe and nightgown, fumbling in his urgency. Mac tried to help but finally gave up because she couldn’t hold onto anything and kissed him instead, snapping what was left of his willpower. When they were both naked, Harm walked her backward to the bed and pressed her down to the center of the mattress.
"I’m going to make love to you now, Mac. No matter what, don’t close your eyes," he ordered, nipping at the shell of her ear.
Under her watchful eyes, his big hand began to work its magic on her skin. His fingers traced lazy circles around the edges of her breasts, moving closer and closer to their centers, earning a gasp from Mac. Stringing moist kisses along the curve where her throat met her shoulder, he stroked his hands over her body, not missing an inch of her silky skin. Raw need flared deep within and they could wait no longer. Tenderly, Harm parted her legs and settled himself between them. Grasping her hips, he held her still and joined their bodies.
"I can feel every inch of you. I’ve missed this so much. Missed being in your arms," she gasped, pleasure stealing her breath.
"You’re never going to be out of my arms again, Mac. I promise."
With their eyes locked, Harm began to move. What Mac saw reflected in his eyes amazed her. She saw love that welcomed and accepted all. Love that never showed judgement or harshness. The insecure, fretful woman she was most familiar with was gone and in her place, was a beautiful woman that was loved by a gorgeous man. A man who couldn’t hide his feelings from her anymore than he could hide the way his body responded to her. As he moved against her, touching the very center of her, Mac forced her eyes to remain open.
Open to see the blazing love in his eyes
"That’s it, Mac. See with your heart. It’s all here before you. Feel how much I love you," he hissed in her ear, pushing them both toward completion.
"I love you, Harm," she whispered, her voice catching.
"I love you, too. More than anything."
Dual climaxes slammed into them at exactly the same moment and their hoarse cries mingled in the silence of the bedroom. Harm held Mac tight against as him, their hearts beating it seemed they might spring free. This union was the most powerful they’d ever shared as love gushed forth. Mac knew she’d never forget this moment in their lives for as long as she lived. She just witnessed something precious. The moment when the love between a man and a woman that can bridge any distance. They had a second chance at happiness and she was determined they would make the very best of it. Her lashes lifted and her eyes met Harm’s.
He smiled tenderly, his green eyes alight with a glow she’d never seen. There under her watchful gaze, a single tear coursed its way down his stubbled cheek. Pride wasn’t going to take the front seat between them ever again. A silent message transferred between them and Mac returned his smile.
Love had done something wonderful to them.
It changed the way everything looked.
It changed them.
And it proved most of all that they really weren’t that different. When it came down to the bottom line, no one was so different that love couldn’t make everything right.
"Thank you," she whispered deeply.
"For what?" Harm asked tenderly, stroking her cheek.
"For making me free."
"We’ve wasted more than enough time, Mac. We can’t go back and change what’s already happened. All we can do is go forward from here and I don’t want to do that without you. Nothing is worth sacrificing your love. Not even flying. Without your support and love, being up in that Tomcat lost its luster. When I went back to flying I thought things would miraculously be better. I had everything I thought I wanted and as it turned out – it wasn’t what I wanted at all. What I wanted was you and that was the one thing I thought I couldn’t have."
Mac opened her mouth to say something but he stopped her with a gentle finger to her lips. "You got to do all the talking yesterday," he murmured teasingly. "I have to get this out. When I let you walk away last night and leave I realized just what a yellow-bellied coward I was. You put aside your pride and your fears to come to me and offer me your love and I threw it back in your face. I’m the one who should be asking for forgiveness. I propose we make a pact right there and now. No more double talk and second-guessing. I want a future with you built on exactly what made our friendship so strong in the first place. Respect, love, honesty communication. All the things that make us strong.
The things that make you and I a team."
Mac hugged him close to her and pressed her lips to his. "I want that, too," she murmured against his mouth. "I don’t ever want to be away from you again. I can’t promise I’ll always be open and willing but I will always try," she whispered.
"All I want from you is your best. Besides, fighting will just give us a chance to make up," he grinned wickedly.
Mac laughed delightedly. "I’ll make another pact with you, flyboy. Let’s promise never to go to bed mad at each other. No matter what."
"Deal, ninja-girl. When I was alone last night in my quarters feeling like I should jump overboard, I heard a song that reminded me so well of how you make me feel. It went something like this."
Headed North on a one way trip,
I never thought I’d be back this way,
I never thought I’d be missing you,
Enough to suffer for the whole night through,
Headed South and I didn’t look back,
I rode the wind off the beaten track,
Tried running from the thought of you,
Haunted down by what I know is true.
To the North, to the South,
It don’t matter,
Every road leads to you…
And I’m coming home…
All roads lead to you… wherever I go…
And every time I told you I was just passing through,
What my heart didn’t know was all roads lead to you.
All my life the winding road I followed,
Has led me straight to your arms…
All roads lead to you… wherever I go…
And every time I told you I was just passing through,
What my heart didn’t know was all roads lead to you.
"And that’s how you feel about me?" she whispered when he was done, tears filling her brown eyes.
"That’s how I’ve always felt about you. Was just too blind or stubborn to see it. No matter how fast I flew or how far or where we traveled or what we did, it couldn’t get me away from you. My heart was always with you. Maybe that’s why even flying couldn’t fill up the emptiness you left behind. Everything I’ve done in my life – all the trials and mishaps – the mistakes and the failed relationships were just steps along the way to get me to you. This is our time, Mac. No more mistakes or bad memories. The knot I intend to tie with you will never come unraveled. Not even in death. Every road leads me to you and I love you from the very bottom of my heart," he stated simply.
Mac gave him the biggest, brightest smile he’d ever seen from her.
"I love you, too, flyboy. Forever."
The End – for now anyway….