She was sitting in his chair when he came back, arms crossed over her chest.
"Did you think you’d sneak away without saying goodbye?" she asked.
He paused and lifted one hand to brace his weight against the doorjamb. "Why goodbye and not good luck?" he asked, almost playfully. He walked the rest of the way into the office and shut the door behind him.
Mac rose from his chair and met him halfway between the desk and the door. He stopped in front of her and looked into her eyes.
"Mmm, didn’t I say that to you once when I was stupid enough to leave JAG?" she asked.
"Yes, you did."
"You said you were happy for me," she countered.
"I was… but that was different. You were in love," he murmured.
"And you’re not?" she asked just as softly, looking at him with her heart in her eyes.
Harm’s gaze rested on hers for a tense moment before he looked away, almost as if he were uncomfortable by her question. "What does love have to do with anything?" he answered flippantly.
She tried to smile and drew in a shuddering breath as tears began to fall and he looked back up to her face.
He raised his hand to her face, his thumb sweeping the tears from her cheek. "Hey," he murmured, still looking into her eyes.
She tried to cover what was happening with a forced laugh and looked around for an instant. "Hey, you want me to water your plants while you’re gone?" she offered.
"I don’t have any plants," he tried to smile, too, but somehow it didn’t look like the flyboy grin that usually knocked her knees out.
She was trying hard not to cry but she met his gaze head on. "Damn it. I have so much I want to say to you..." she began. "But I can’t find the words."
"I know," he murmured gently, his eyes locked hard on her.
She was crying now and then they went into each other’s arms, holding on tight.
"Damn you, why am I the only one crying?" she demanded as several fat tears rolled down her smooth cheeks.
Harm wasn’t sure what to say to that and truthfully, he wasn’t ready to say anything. His heart breaking at reality of leaving her but he steeled himself against it and pushed it back to the farthest recesses of his mind. If he allowed himself to stop for one minute to analyze what the biggest reality was - he would never leave her.
He had her in his arms now and she clung to him tightly, holding her close and feeling her tremble with tears. Mac slid her hands across his shoulders and bit her lip. Harm felt an unfamiliar sting in his eyes and a tightness in his throat that he swallowed hard against. This was one time when he couldn't afford to show an ounce of weakness. Drawing in a slow, steadying breath that wouldn't alert her, he pulled back and stepped away - instantly feeling the loss of her warmth and the feel of her slender form. She looked at him with her heart in her eyes and Harm knew for sure at that very second that she loved him with every fiber of her being and that was when he picked up the box full of his personal stuff, spun on his heel and walked away from her and every part of their life together.
Mac dried her cheeks, squared her shoulders and walked into the bullpen to join the rest of her office mates. Admiral Chegwidden, Mic and Bud gathered at her sides and they all looked to the elevator when Harm was stepping inside. He met the eyes of each of them and then the doors slid shut and he was gone.
Later that night....
Mac had been home for exactly two hours and four minutes and had accomplished nothing. She hadn't even taken off her uniform. As a matter of fact, she felt like her heart was breaking. She sat curled up on the couch, in the dark with the radio playing softly and tears sliding in an endless river down her pale cheeks.
And then the knock came at the door.
Mac didn't even think about getting up and in fact only curled deeper into the couch cushions, ignoring the intrusive noise.
"It's not nice to ignore people knocking."
Mac froze when his voice slid into her senses but she didn't move. She felt him move across the dark living room until he was directly behind her.
"Why are you here?" she asked dully.
"Because there are some things I'd like to say to you, too, Mac, and I didn't want to say them at JAG."
Mac remained silent. Harm lowered his tall frame to the edge of the couch next to her. Mac tried to move back against the cushions but there was no more room to get away from him.
"Look at me, Mac."
Stubbornly, Mac crossed her arms over her chest and looked at her upraised knees. Harm sighed deeply and leaned over her, bracing one hand on the back of the couch. He came closer until they were only inches apart.
"Look at me, Sarah."
It was a command this time and her eyes slowly, reluctantly lifted to his.
"I'm not leaving you," he stated very softly, emphatically.
"You are leaving me. You're leaving all of us," she retorted flatly.
Harm shook his head. "I have to do this," he repeated gently. "But I don't want to talk about leaving. I want to talk about you and me. And I want to do this."
Mac waited for him to finish the sentence but instead, he shifted on the couch and reached down to pull her black pumps off, sitting them down next to the couch. Then he rose to his feet and tugged her up behind him.
"What are you doing?" she asked crossly. "I really don't want to talk to you right now, Harm. I want you to leave."
"No."
Mac stared at his broad back as he crossed the room to her stereo system. He slipped a CD in and then came back to her. As music to a song she didn't recognize came on, Harm reached out and pulled the little tie at her throat from her uniform and tossed it behind her on the couch. Then he unbuttoned her shirt. Stunned, Mac jerked her eyes up to his and grabbed for his hands.
"Stop that! What are you doing, Harm?" she demanded.
Harm went on as if he'd never heard her. He pulled her against him, sliding his arms around her waist beneath her shirt. Then they began to dance.
We both know that I shouldn't be here - this is wrong,
And, baby, it's killin' me - it's killin' you - both of us tryin' to be strong,
I got somewhere else to be, promises to keep,
With someone else who loves me and trustin' me fast asleep,
I've made up my mind - there is no turning back,
She's been good to me and she deserves better than that....
It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do....
To look you in the eye and tell you I don't love you,
It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to lie,
To show no emotion when you start to cry...
I can't let you see what you mean to me when my hands are tied and my heart's not free...
(We're not meant to be....)
It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do...
To turn around and walk away pretending I don't love you....
Harm moved her so slowly against him that they might as well have been standing still but Mac was too drawn in by him to care how fast they did or didn't move. He bent slightly and rubbed his jaw against her temple, the rasp of stubble gently abraided her skin. Mac tilted her head forward slightly, her nose near the crook of his neck where she could smell his cologne.
Will we meet again - fate is a place and time,
So you can get on with your life I've got to be cruel to be kind,
Liked Dr. Zhivago - all the love I'll be sending but you will never know
'Cause there can be no happy ending....
The music swelled again and his arms tightened around her slender form, drawing her even tighter still to him.
It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do,
To look you in the eye and tell you I don't love you
It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to lie,
To show no emotion when you start to cry,
I can't let you see what you mean to me when my hands are tied and my heart's not free…
(We're not meant to be...)
It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do,
To turn around and walk away pretending I don't love you...
The music swelled again and Mac slid her arms up his back, arching against him. The song was tearing her up but there was so much more she was hearing from it then just his leaving.
I've made up my mind - there is no turning back.
She's been good to me and she deserves better than that….
It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do
To look you in the eye and tell you I don't love you,
It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to lie,
To show no emotion when you start to cry,
I can't let you see what you mean to me when my hands are tied and my heart's not free...
(We're not meant to be....)
It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do,
To turn around and walk away pretending I don't love you....
Before the final notes of the song faded, his mouth was on hers. They stopped moving all together for a moment and Mac strained against him, feeling every single emotion of the past few days rush to the surface. Harm kissed her like it was the last thing he was ever going to do and Mac met him stroke for stroke. There was desperation in both of them. A feeling unlike Mac had ever known. And she could feel it in him, too. Something that was welling up from deep within.
Then as fast as the storm hit, it cooled and his mouth gentled on hers. Harm slid his hands into the silky strands of her hair and tilted her head back a bit. His mouth smoothing over hers tenderly, pushing her lips farther apart until he could kiss her deeply, sliding his tongue into the warm, welcoming recesses. There was so much in that simple gesture that tears welled behind her closed lids. They slid from the corners beneath her lashes and into her hair. Some of them slid down over his hands and his grip tightened marginally. He kissed her very, very slowly, drawing from her moist, full lips.
He slipped his hands from her hair and Mac was vaguely aware of them moving down her arms and up to her hands when they rested around his cheeks. Grasping her fingers, he slowly drew them down to her sides. With more regret than he ever imagined, Harm drew away from her. He looked down at her for a moment, memorizing her beautiful face, the tears on her cheeks and the lips that trembled as she tried to suppress her feelings. She felt him press something into her hand and he tipped his head forward a fraction to drop a tiny kiss on the end of her nose. Then he looked at her again and bent once more, laying his lips on hers. But he didn't kiss her. Instead he just held them there, feeling her tremble, feeling the silky little edges of her lips.
Then without a word he turned and left, pulling the door closed behind him.
Mac couldn't bring herself to move for several long minutes. Nothing penetrated the fragile haze around her and she was very afraid that if she moved even one tiny heartbeat, she would simply shatter into a million tiny pieces. After a moment, she forced herself to looked down. She uncurled her fingers from an envelope. Shaking badly, she slid the white paper from its nest and unfolded it.
Sarah,
If you're reading this now as I hoped you would, then I have just left you. And doing so was the single hardest thing I have ever had to do. If you believe nothing else, believe that. I planned to come to you tonight and set things straight. I wanted you to know and understand that I am not leaving you. I will never leave you. I couldn't. But pursuing this dream is something I have to do and out of everyone I know, I believe you will understand that better than anyone else ever could. Sometimes dreams are all we have. I have two dreams. Returning to flying has driven me to leave everything I've worked so hard for in the past three years. It's something I know I have to try even though the Admiral thinks I'm so obsessed that I can't see past my nose. But that's not true. I had to choose this dream first, Mac. I had to choose so I could wrap it up. To tie it up in a neat little package with a ribbon and put it away where it belongs. And you know why? Because of my other dream. My dream of you. For so long now you've been all I've ever wanted. I want to come back to you with nothing left standing between us. Nothing unsaid - nothing untried. Just a new, open page waiting to be filled with what you and I want to put on it.
You've become the biggest part of me. Everything that makes me whole. All this time you've stood by me. You've supported me, yelled at me, reprimanded me and lifted me up when I just knew I couldn't go a step further. You give me the strength that I can't find in myself because you have the bravest, truest heart of anyone I've ever known. You're the most courageous woman I have ever met, Sarah. You humble and awe me by your intelligence, your sensitivity, your warmth, your beauty and every tiny glitch and speck and stitch that makes you what and who you are.
I chose the song we danced to because it reminded me of how I feel caught between a rock and a hard place. Only difference is that the other woman is flying. Like I said - if you believe nothing else, believe that leaving you is the hardest thing I’ll ever have to do. But I have to go and you have to move on until I can find my way back.
I love you, Sarah MacKenzie. More than anything or anyone that's ever been in my life. So I'm going to go fly my Tomcat. And when I'm all done and that neatly wrapped little package of memories is all put away, I'm going to come home to you. And I hope to put my ring on your finger and my name after yours.
Harm
As Mac finished his letter, her legs gave out and she sank to the floor. Sobs shook her body as the depth of his words reached clear to the smallest, deepest part of her heart that had been so sure he didn't love her. It had seemed much too easy for him. He just packed everything up and walked out of his office. She should have listened to what was in her heart because it wasn’t easy for him at all. Just as it wasn’t easy for her except that she wasn’t strong enough to hide it. When she asked him about being in love he’d looked for just an instant like he might say yes – then he looked away and all her hopes were scattered to the wind.
But now she knew better. He did love her. He loved her as much as she loved him and when he came back she was going to give him the chance he'd just so humbly asked for. Because all that he felt for her, she felt tenfold for him. As she cried there against her upraised knees, the broken and scattered pieces of her heart began to put themselves back together.
"Be safe, Harm," she whispered to the still room. "Be safe and come back to me."