"Thank you for coming to take me home."

Harriet smiled warmly as she waited for Mac to get in the van. "It’s no problem at all, ma’am. I thought Commander Rabb would be here, though."

Mac sighed softly. "So did I, Harriet. He left shortly after I woke up and I haven’t heard from him since."

"Did he know you were being released?" Harriet asked as she got in on the driver’s side.

"I’m assuming he did," Mac answered. "I’m not sure."

"I’m sorry," Harriet murmured, reaching over to pat Mac’s hand. "I can see how disappointed you are."

"I’m not sure that’s really it," Mac confessed. "I mean, I am disappointed because my first thought is to be with him but I’m so overwhelmed by all the things I’m feeling. We haven’t talked about anything that happened so I don’t know what he went through after I saw them beat him. I can tell by looking at him how horrifying it must have felt. I watched everything they did, Harriet. I saw how they kept hitting and hitting until he couldn’t even lift his head. And the scars on his face…" her voice trailed off for an instant. "I want to help him if I can but at the same time, I want to hide away to lick my own wounds. Does that sound selfish?"

"Oh, no," Harriet answered with a vigorous shake of her head. "I think I can understand what you mean. I’ve never been through what you’ve just been through but I know what trauma feels like. When I lost the baby—" There was just the barest hint of a break in her voice. "I wanted Bud to hold me and make everything go away but at the same time, I wanted to be left alone so I could grieve in peace. I was tired of everyone walking on eggshells around me and asking me how I was feeling. I thought it should be obvious how I felt."

Mac was silent for a moment. "There are so many things going through my mind that I don’t know where to start. When we got to Panama we were barely speaking because we’d had a fight over Darren’s role in my life."

"Mr. James?" Harriet confirmed.

Mac nodded. "Harm accused me of stringing him along behind Darren," she whispered, still feeling the sting of his accusations. "We weren’t speaking until we got off the plane in Panama City and then the mission took over and we had to forget all about real life. Then when things got bad," she swallowed hard. "It didn’t seem to matter anymore. All we were concerned with was getting out of there alive. I feel so guilty, Harriet. Like I should have done more to help him." Her voice cracked slightly and Mac bit down hard on her lip to push back the threatening emotions.

"Give yourself time, ma’am. I learned there are no easy answers and the harder you try to push your way through it, the harder it will be to find the path."

Mac should be on her way home by now. Harm already knew what time it was and that it should be him taking her home from Bethesda instead of Harriet. But coward that he was, he’d gone home and left her there. They hadn’t talked about Panama when she woke up.

When she first opened her eyes and realized he was there with her, she hadn’t said anything at all. She’d simply looked at him for several long moments, her gaze moving slowly over the damage to his face. And then she began to cry silently and turned her head away from him. Harm felt the brunt of that simple action clear to his soul. His first and only thought was to get away from there and he hadn’t been back in the two days since. Heaven only knew what she was thinking now. Maybe she was glad he was gone. He’d let her down after promising he would protect her.

Rubbing a hand over the back of his neck, Harm wandered across the room and dropped down on the couch. He hadn’t heard from anyone except the Admiral since they returned to D.C. The older man ordered him to take at least another week off to get his head on straight before coming back to work. Apparently Webb wasn’t planning on making a move until everyone was back to full speed. And even then, Harm wasn’t sure if he would ask for their help yet again or if would tackle the mole on his own. Leaning forward, his braced his arms on his legs and stared at a picture of Mac sitting on the desk across from him. How was he going to face her after this? He let her down. He promised to take care of her, to protect her, and look what happened? His own thoughts were in such turmoil that he didn’t know where to start. A loud knock interrupted his train of thought. He sat for a moment, not wanting to see anyone but the knock came again.

"It’s Admiral Chegwidden, Rabb. Open the door."

Slowly, Harm crossed the room and opened the door. A.J. walked past him into the room without waiting for an invitation.

"You look like hell," he stated flatly.

Harm didn’t even bother to answer. He closed the door and turned to face his CO. A.J. crossed his arms over his chest, legs braced slightly apart and stared hard at his junior officer.

"I just got word that Webb quit the Agency yesterday."

Harm just stared at him, not comprehending the words.

"Harm?" A.J. snapped. "Did you hear me?"

"Yes, sir, I just—" he shook his head and walked over to sit down. "I just wasn’t sure I heard you. What do you mean he quit? Someone like that doesn’t just quit."

A.J. sat down on the couch and laced his fingers together. "SECNAV said he got word this morning. Apparently, Webb took off right after getting back from Panama and no one has seen him since."

Harm opened his mouth to say something then shut it abruptly and shook his head. "I don’t know what to say."

"That was my first reaction, too. Do you have any idea where he might be?" A.J. asked.

"I don’t know. Has anyone checked with his mother?"

"I don’t know what they have or haven’t done or if they even care. I want to know where he is," the older man returned.

"Sir, no disrespect intended but I thought you couldn’t stand Webb?"

"On occasion, I can’t, when his cases blow up in our faces but this wasn’t his fault. We all had something to gain from catching Escobédo – apparently more than any of us realized. Now we have an even bigger problem to contend with if someone in the SECNAV’s office is leaking information. I respect Webb for what he does. He said something to me right after he picked me up at the airport about knowing how most people hated him for doing what he had to do. Something about the way he said it got through to me.

How many times do you hate me for making you do something you don’t want to do? Especially when it goes against your own intent? How many times have I called you on the carpet for getting out of line in an investigation? Or taking matters into your own hands? There’s an old saying about keeping your head when all around you are losing theirs. I know many times you think I’m cruel and I don’t see outside the box but what you and the Colonel forget is that one of us has to keep our head. I have to look at the road ahead, not the immediate turn and many times your emotions are guiding you. I’m your CO, it’s my job to be the objective party whether I agree or not. I don’t see that we’re all that different from Webb. He does what he has to.

Many of us, myself included, sometimes forget that there is another side we don’t see. Someone has to be responsible for the things Webb and his people do. Besides, he has come through for us on more than one occasion when no one else could. I think we owe him for that at the very least. He helped me save both of you in Panama. He helped when you and the Colonel took off to Russia looking for your Dad. That’s something I won’t forget no matter what he’s done in the past. We were told to leave you behind," he stated flatly, revealing that little tidbit to Harm for the first time. "Anyone else would have done it."

Harm really didn’t know how to respond. For a man of few words, that was one of the longest speeches he’d ever heard from the Admiral. But it echoed the way Harm felt as well. He never would have found Mac and gotten her to safety without Webb’s help in making all the arrangements for them and bringing in backup.

"I think it’s gotten to be too much for him," Harm stated without thinking.

A.J.’s gaze was sharp. "The pressure?" he asked.

Harm nodded. "Maybe for all of us." He met A.J.’s eyes for the first time then. "Each time we face a situation like this – coming close to death – it gets harder and harder to go back to doing it. I don’t think I ever stopped to consider how Webb’s job might affect him. Maybe over the years he’s numbed himself to feeling anything when he’s working. He comes across so cavalier at times," his voice trailed off slightly. "I don’t suppose it’s a secret to you how I feel about Mac. I promised her I would take care of her and I failed. I couldn’t protect her or myself. Maybe something’s telling me it’s time I stopped trying. I don’t know if I can keep doing this again and again."

"Is it the fear of almost losing her or the feeling of failing that gets you the most?" A.J. asked quietly.

"I believe it’s both, sir. I don’t want to ever be that close to losing her again nor do I want to fail in my duty to protect."

A.J. was silent for a long moment and Harm stared down at his clenched hands.

"So you’d rather take the easy way out?"

Harm’s head snapped up. "No, sir, it’s not the easy—"

A.J. cut him off. "It is the easy way. You’d rather give up and quit than keep facing the unknown. That’s what makes us strong, Harm. Facing the things that scare us the most. You couldn’t possibly know what went through my mind when I got the call from Webb that you we’re both missing. Or how I felt when I was told I couldn’t lead the rescue mission after you. Or when they called again to tell me the mission failed. Nor would you have any way of knowing that I told the SECNAV he could make good on his threats to send me to Leavenworth for going to Panama. At that point I didn’t care. And let me tell you this, Commander – I was so scared it was choking me."

Harm couldn’t believe his ears and he looked up to meet the older man’s eyes. A.J.’s expression was intense.

"I went anyway knowing full well it could be the end of my career but I’m your Commanding Officer, Harm, and hopefully your friend, and I couldn’t sit back and do nothing. I was mad at Webb and blamed him for the whole mess until I realized it really wasn’t his fault. I didn’t have to send you to Panama and he knew it. Clayton Webb doesn’t trust anyone yet he trusts us enough to ask for our help. He was willing to go against duty to save both of you. I believe he felt it was his duty to save both of you. He couldn’t just turn his back."

"I do know how that feels. How helpless it can be but knowing you have to try something, anything, to help," Harm murmured.

"That’s right, you do. You went after the Colonel in terrible condition yourself because you couldn’t sit back and do nothing. Webb was told to leave you both and he refused. He put his career on the line to help us. That’s why I won’t let him slink away like a thief in the night and why I won’t let you quit either. We got back almost three days ago and I went right back to work because that’s my duty. I have department full of people who depend on me to lead them and be there day in and day out. I don’t even have the luxury of taking a few days off right now because I ran out on the whole place to get to Panama. But if I threw up my hands and ran out every time things got too hard, what kind of CO would I be? There are many times I want to quit, Harm, but I can’t. I won’t let the fear beat me down and it wouldn’t solve anything anyway.

You’re the farthest thing from a coward I know, Commander. You’ve faced situation after situation and defeated your fears. The best example I have is when you crashed the Tomcat. You got back up in the sky and kept going and you still love it. You and Mac have both overcome tremendous odds in your personal and professional lives that have only made you stronger. I don’t know for sure why you left her at the hospital but I’m betting it was because you felt guilty. I would lay odds she doesn’t blame you for what happened. It was beyond your control. Instead of trying to get through this carrying it all on your shoulders alone, maybe you should try getting through it with her. And while you’re at it you can go find Webb and talk some sense into him."

A.J. rose from the couch and started past Harm to the door. He paused and dropped a hand on Harm’s shoulder. "Life is what happens when you’re making plans."

Harm stayed where he was for a long time after the Admiral left, thinking about all that he said. Mostly he just kept thinking about Mac. Webb’s situation was important to him, too, but his bigger concern was how to deal with the mounting feelings of inadequacy within himself and finding his way back to her. Is this how it was to be from now on? Would her every look be filled with contempt? Would she only feel revulsion where she once felt love? Harm buried his face in his hands and took a deep breath. Somehow he would have to find the courage to face that. He had to go back. Things would be all right once he got home. If he could get back in the swing of his routine, things would be just fine. They had to be and he would find a way to make it so.

Harriet got Mac in and settled with a promise to call and check on her later that evening. Alone with her thoughts, Mac managed a small bowl of soup then curled up on the couch. The bruises on her face and body were healing and she was more or less over the Dengue Fever now. The doctor warned her that it would take several weeks to get back to full strength after all she’d been through. If they hadn’t gotten her to a doctor when they did, it could have proved fatal. Admiral Chegwidden came by to see her but he didn’t tell her too much about what transpired in Panama. He promised her there would be plenty of time to talk later. He did tell her that Escobédo and London were dead. Normally, she wasn’t happy for the loss of anyone’s life but she felt it was well deserved in this instance. She realized in the hospital that all the dreams she’d been having prior to Panama about the man in black had been almost like a foretelling. Some intuition had been warning her there would be danger ahead.

Her thoughts turned to her partner. At this difficult time in their lives, her first instinct was to go to him. Her second was to remain where she was. There were a number of difficult cases she and Harm had made it through. They’d face some pretty tough odds but they’d always done it together. Like their attendance at the party in the Sudanese Embassy. There’d been no time to think about what was happening, just quick thinking and a plan of action. The same was true for the trip to Russia. And the poachers, Darlyn and Charlie Lynch and numerous other things she couldn’t begin to list. Some of them had been life-threatening situations, some not.

A person could spend the rest of their lives alone with their what-ifs. And Mac knew from personal experience that what-ifs could kill a person if left to their own devices. Life would happen and leave you behind before you knew it and it would all be wasted on useless pondering. Growing up and even after when she was drying out with Uncle Matt, she spent a lot of time playing the game.

What if she’d been a better daughter?

What if her mother hadn’t left?

What if her father hadn’t been abusive?

What if she hadn’t been a drunk?

There were a million different angles to consider and any one single consideration could have changed the course of her life. Bud was always talking about Fate and Destiny. Harm claimed not to believe in the preordained but Mac wasn’t so sure it didn’t exist. Every step a person took was a mark in their life. A choice. If she’d made even one different choice earlier in life, she could be somewhere else right at this very moment. A place without fear and danger and risk. A place without the ugly markings of a needle in the crook of her elbow or the bruises from a beating.

She could possibly be in a place without Harm.

That one thought led to a host of other what-ifs. How different would her life have been without him? Not to mention the Admiral and Bud and Harriet but just without Harm? Would there have been someone like Darren? Would she already be married? In a different career? A housewife and mother?

Shifting on the couch, she stretched her legs out and rested her head against the overstuffed back. There were too many different questions that would never be answered so it was best not to even consider them. The simple fact remaining was that she could not imagine her life without him. Just couldn’t grasp not having him close by everyday where she could hear his voice, see his smile, feel his touch. Mere years seemed instead to be lifetimes strung together to create an endless existence. An existence that might someday end with another man or woman if Mac didn’t find a way to convince Harm that the only place they truly belonged was with each other.

Circumstances were a good thing in that they acted as catalysts to make people get off their butts. In her case, Panama could be the shove Harm needed to get over himself and admit he loved her. After all they’d just been through, he couldn’t possibly still believe that Mac was burning the man candle at both ends between him and Darren. Oh, she supposed he could but her partner was smarter than that if he’d just allow himself to see beyond the immediate.

Her eyes fell on the wedding set she still wore on her left hand. No one had questioned its existence and she hadn’t even considered taking it off. Suddenly, an intense longing swept through her. She needed to see him. She started to rise from the couch and someone knocked on her door.

"Mac, it’s Admiral Chegwidden."

Slowly, she crossed the room and opened the door. A.J. stood on the other side with a slight smile; his eyes warm from beneath the brim of his cover.

"What brings you by, Admiral?" she asked.

"I came to see how you were doing and to see if you’d heard from Harm."

She moved aside for him to come in then closed the door. He stood with his arms crossed over his chest, legs braced slightly apart.

"No, sir, I haven’t talked seen him since he left the hospital," she answered softly.

A.J.’s look was thoughtful. "I just came from there. He looks like hell."

"I imagine so, sir," she agreed, not sure what else to say.

A.J. could tell by the way her hands were clenched that the subject was hard for her to talk about. "I’m afraid he’s withdrawing to deal with what happened."

"Can you blame him?" she asked.

"No, but that won’t help him get over it. It will make it worse."

"I know, Admiral, but I don’t think he’s ready to talk to me," she murmured sadly, forcing the words out.

"I also wanted to tell you the same thing I told the Commander. I got a call from the SECNAV this morning. Seems Agent Webb resigned his position."

Her eyes lifted to his in surprise. "What? He quit? When?"

"Right after we got back from Panama. He had the letter delivered and disappeared. SECNAV has no idea where he is."

"Well," she muttered. "I didn't think Webb could do much to surprise me. Harm might know where he is."

"I'm hoping so but that can wait until the two of you are back on your feet and in the office. If you're going to pursue Commander Péna's case, Webb's help will be especially important to us."

One corner of her mouth lifted. "Oh, we'll pursue it, sir, you can bet on that. I didn't get a chance in the hospital to thank you for coming after us, Admiral. I don’t know what would have happened…" her voice trailed off.

"Thank Webb when you find him. I may have never found you without his help."

"Admiral, where did you find Harm?" she asked very quietly.

"He found us. He found someone to get him to the Embassy and called Bud who called me. That was a week after I got to Panama."

"Do you know what happened to him after they took me?"

A.J.’s eyes were solemn. "Only some of it. He was focused entirely on finding you, even though he could barely move himself."

Mac’s gaze was sad. "I wish he’d stayed to talk to me. He didn’t say anything at all when I first woke up. He just looked at me and then he got up and walked out. He looked terrible, Admiral – like there was no life left in him. And the damage to his face…" her voice faded.

"I think he should be the one to tell you the rest," A.J. stated gently. "I don’t want you back at work until you feel up to it. You were pretty sick when we found you."

"Yes, sir," she nodded absently.

"Get some rest," he smiled gently as he reached for the doorknob.

Mac tried several times to get Harm on the phone but only got the answering machine. She left messages asking him to please call her so she would at least know he was all right. Around dinnertime, she was thinking of trying to make something when another knock sounded at the door. Her heart thumped wildly with the hope that it might be Harm and she rushed to answer it.

"Darren!"

The tall man in the hall smiled widely and held open his arms. Mac went straight into them, throwing her arms around his wide shoulders. He wrapped her up tightly, lifting her clear off the floor.

"I'm so glad you're back," he stated warmly.

She squeezed him tighter. "Me, too," she whispered against his ear, feeling the ridiculous urge to cry.

He lowered her back to her feet and took a step back, sliding his hands down her arms to clasp her fingers. He smiled tenderly.

She returned the smile and blinked several times. "There's just something about being home," she shrugged at his inquiring look. "How did you know I was back?" she asked then realized they were just standing there. "Can you come in for a few minutes?"

"Lt. Sims called and asked me to check on you to answer how I knew you were back and I'd love to come in but why don't you come over instead and I'll fix something for dinner?" he suggested.

"Okay, she agreed.

Several minutes later he had lasagna in the oven baking and they were sitting across from each other at his small dining table.

He covered one of her small hands with his. "I can tell by looking at you things weren't good in Panama. Care to tell me what happened or is it classified?"

"It's not exactly classified," she shrugged. "So much happened, I don't even know where to start."

"Just start from the beginning."

'From the beginning' took her a while. Darren only moved once to check on their dinner and to give her a minute to catch her breath after relating the first part of the story. His jaw tightened and his eyes grew dark when she told him about the last few days, before Harm found her.

"I wish I'd been there," he muttered.

"I'm glad you weren't," she countered.

"Thank God the Admiral and Agent Webb were able to pull it all together. I can't," he stopped speaking abruptly and his eyes narrowed. "Where is Harm? I would think the first place he'd want to be is with you."

Mac shook her head softly. "No, apparently not this time. He left the Bethesda right after I woke up and I haven't seen him since. Admiral Chegwidden was here earlier and he said Harm didn't look good when he saw him. He's withdrawing. I've tried calling several times but he hasn't called me back and I'm not quite feeling strong enough to go see him."

"I can tell how much that bothers you," he observed.

"It does but at the same time I understand. I've been through enough to recognize the signs and you probably do, too. He's trying to cope anyway he can."

"Just don’t let him use that as an excuse to keep coping. He'll spiral so far down he won't know how to get out. And that, I do know," he stated.

"He can have until we go back to work and then we'll see," she answered, managing a slight smile.

"I'm sorry, Sarah, for everything that happened. Sorry for Harm, too."

Her eyes took on a faraway glow. "He looked terrible when I first saw him. I can't imagine what he went through or how he must have felt. I asked the Admiral but he doesn't know the whole story, either. He didn't see Harm until a week after we were split up. It was one of the worst times in my life. I felt so helpless when they were beating him."

"Don't relive it, honey. I know it's hard but put it in some kind of perspective or you'll drive yourself insane," he told her gently. "You two will have to help each other through this."

"I know," she nodded.

The timer on the oven dinged.

"Let's eat and see what we can find on the tube. How about a movie?" he asked.

She met his eyes and smiled gratefully. "Thank you," she whispered.

He trailed his fingers over the curve of her cheek. "What are friends for?"

Mac was back in the office sooner than they expected her.

"Ma'am! The Admiral told us you would be out until next week!"

Mac returned Bud's hug as she put her briefcase down on her desk. "I'm going stir crazy at home, Bud. I may not make it the whole day but I'm going to work for a little while, at least. That tropical fever took the starch right out of me," she grinned.

"We re glad to have you back, ma'am. Really glad."

"It's good to be back, Bud," she stated emphatically.

Tactfully, Bud refrained from asking about what transpired in Panama but he did hug her again before he stepped out of her office. He turned and grasped the doorknob. "I tried to leave detailed notes in the case folders of everything I did while you were gone."

She smiled. "Thank you, Bud, for taking care of things."

"You're welcome, ma'am."

Before she could even get settled, Tiner was buzzing her.

"Colonel MacKenzie, the Admiral wants to see you."

"Thank you, Tiner. I'll be right there."

She heard Bud greeting Harm just as she reached Tiner's desk. Turning, she watched him with the younger man, horrified by his haggard appearance.

"Ma'am, are you all right?" Tiner asked.

Mac dragged her eyes away from her partner. "I'm fine.'

"You can go in," he told her.

"Okay," she murmured distractedly, still looking at Harm.

A.J. smiled when she opened the door and stepped in.

"Good morning, Colonel."

"Admiral," she greeted.

"Have a seat. I'm surprised…"

The door opened before he could finish and Harm came in. "Good morning, Admiral, Mac," he greeted, his eyes just barely sweeping over her before going straight to the Admiral.

"Commander," A.J. nodded. "Sit down. I thought I told you two not to come back before the week was out?"

"I can't speak for Mac, but I couldn’t wait to see you, sir," Harm answered casually.

"Watch it, Rabb," A.J. returned dryly.

"I was going stir crazy, Admiral, and worried about letting too much time pass before we move on the drug running," Mac explained. "A lot of the footwork can be done here and we’ll have Bud and Harriet to help."

"The first sign I see that you aren’t recovered, you’re out of here," he stated flatly.

"Aye, sir," Harm nodded.

"Have a seat," A.J. ordered, taking his own. "Get busy on the drug smuggling. I want Commander Péna’s case tended to and if you’re going to find out who was working with London, then get on with it. This will blow the Navy wide open if it gets out so I want to see everything you see before anyone else does, understand? And it better be solid proof – no speculation."

"I’ve already made some calls, Admiral. Commander Michaels is going back to the Enterprise to keep an eye on things for the time being. I'm going to see Commander Péna. I never had a chance to talk to him about any of this before we went to Panama. I need to know if he can tell us who else is involved," Harm explained.

"Webb said he had it narrowed to two carriers and two subs?" A.J. prompted.

"No subs. That information was corrected. We're looking at four carriers. Big E, Connie, Ike and Teddy," Harm rattled off, referring to the Enterprise, Constellation, Roosevelt and Eisenhower.

A.J.'s brows rose. "Heavy hitters. You do realize that we'll need irrefutable proof of this before charges and specifications can be announced."

"Yes, sir. We're prepared to investigate the matter fully," Harm returned.

"This is bad business for the Navy," A.J. mused as he folded his hands together, his look thoughtful. "I don't guess we'll be able to minimize the impact it will have on the public."

"We can try, Admiral. Let Harm and I see what we come up with first," Mac proposed. "We can minimize the exposure to the press. I suggest we wait and see how many people are involved."

"Done. Get back to work," A.J. ordered.

They rose and walked to the door.

"It’s good to have you both back," he called softly.

They glanced back but his head was bent over a file. Without another word, they left his office. They reached Mac’s door and she touched her partner’s arm before he could walk away.

"Can we talk for a few minutes?" she asked.

Harm shot a glance at his watch. "I was planning on going to see Commander Péna. Can we talk when I get back?"

Stunned, Mac just stared at him. "Harm, don’t you think we should…"

"I really need to get to him before lunchtime. I promise we’ll talk when I get back," he stated.

And he walked away from her.

Mac simply stared at his retreating back. Slowly, she walked into her office, closing the door behind her. She felt emotion welling up but willed herself not to cry. She would wait until he came back and try once more to pin him down. They had to talk about what happened.

"Commander Rabb! What are you doing here, sir? I thought you were in Panama with Colonel MacKenzie?"

Harm shook Commander Péna's hand as the guard brought him into the small interrogation room.

"We were. Got back a few days ago. I have a lot to go over with you," Harm smiled warmly.

"May I be frank, sir?" Péna asked.

"Sure."

"You look like hell, Commander. Are you and the Colonel okay?"

"We're fine now. It was close call there. What were doing there has everything to do with why you're in the brig," Harm stated.

"How so?" Péna became slightly wary.

Harm went on to explain Webb's part of the mission and how it had been linked to the carriers. "I knew before we left that London was involved. Colonel MacKenzie and I went to the Enterprise and talked to all of your men. Lt. Paxton told us what you suspected about the smuggling. We had someone on the E to watch him but he jumped ship and turned up in Panama. He and London are both dead."

Péna sat still for a moment, taking in all the details of the Panama adventure. "I sure am sorry, Commander Rabb. If I'd had any idea…" his voice trailed off.

"Would you have come forward sooner?" Harm murmured.

"Maybe. Maybe I wouldn't have caused the jet to crash. I have to live with that, sir. I could have killed both of those men."

"Nothing you can do about it now," Harm pointed out matter-of-factly. "We have bigger fish to fry now. You were responsible for waving the jet in and causing it to crash. I believe that once we outline your motivation to the panel, they'll see reason. (see UCMJ for non-judicial punishment)"

Relief spread across Péna’s face. "That’s more than fair, sir."

"We have to convince the panel of it. However, I need your help with this case."

Péna looked down at his folded hands. "I should have turned him in when I first found out what was going on. I was sure no one would believe me," he sighed.

"I wish I could say that wouldn’t have happened but you know I’d be lying. It would have depending on who you told. This is something a lot of people will want covered up. I intend to see every person involved in a court martial," Harm stated. "This sort of thing is unacceptable, not to mention that Colonel MacKenzie and I were almost killed to keep it quiet. Do you know who else is involved?"

"He’s working with two of the COD pilots on E. From what I've been able to pick up, it's it’s going through COD pilots and the CAGs on all four carriers," Péna told him.

"Then why was that shipment on an F14?" Harm questioned.

"The COD wasn’t making its run that day because they had some last minute trouble. The Tomcat was scheduled to make an inland hop so CAG stashed the shipment onboard at the last minute. The inland connection is someone in supply at Andrews. I don’t know how far it reaches beyond that."

"How did you find out about the smuggling in the first place?" Harm inquired.

"A simple matter of being in the wrong place at the wrong time," Péna grimaced. "I overheard him talking to one of the COD pilots, Lt. Malone, about a shipment. That was a week before the crash. I watched him after that, trying to pick up more details about what he was doing. I don’t know if he realized anyone else knew or not," Péna shrugged.

"How did your men find out?"

"We stick together, Commander. As a pilot, you should know that. I asked them to keep an eye on things. Pax actually saw the CAG give one of the packages to Lt. Malone but he couldn’t prove it contained drugs."

"But you think that’s what it was?"

"Yes, I do. It makes sense now when I think about how many times I saw unmarked packages going to the COD for transport. If they all turned out to be shipments from Panama, then I could give you a pretty accurate count of how many I’ve seen travel through."

"I’m going to leave you with a notepad. I want you to make notes of everything you can remember concerning Captain London and his behavior," Harm ordered.

"Aye, sir."

When Harm got back to the office, he saw Mac at her desk working. Hoping he could get in and out without her noticing, he walked to the side of the bullpen and toward his office.

"Commander Rabb! Can I bother for a minute? I have a question about the Henshaw court martial."

Harm bit back a groan when Bud’s voice rang out across the bullpen. Mac looked up, her eyes meeting his. Harm turned as Bud came toward him with a file. Oh, well, there was no getting out of it now. When Bud walked away, Harm turned and found her standing at the door of her office waiting for him.

"You promised," she reminded as he walked toward her.

"That’s right, I did," he returned lightly. "But, I can’t talk right now."

She froze in the act of closing her office door. "What do you have to do now? Jump a building in a single bound? Stop a bullet with your teeth? Get the car washed?"

He frowned at her. "Very funny. Why the attitude?"

"Attitude?" she asked innocently. "Funny, I wasn’t aware that I was the one with the attitude. I know what you’re doing, Harm, and it won’t work. You can’t avoid me forever," she stated firmly.

"What makes you think I’m avoiding you and why would I want to? I simply can’t talk right now, that’s all. We’ll have to talk later. Maybe tomorrow morning when we get here," he suggested.

She stared at him mutinously. "Avoiding what happened in Panama won’t make it go away," she told him softly. "It’ll just grow until nothing you do blots it out."

"Do me a favor and don’t try to analyze me," he snapped. "I’m doing just fine. What happened in Panama is over and done with. Right now I want to get to work on building a case against the smuggling."

"Fine," she retorted sharply. The she yanked the office door open again. "Go save the world. It’s what you do best."

Without a word, he went past her and she shut the door behind him. Drawing a calming breath, Mac sat down behind her desk, staring for a moment and the file she was working on. Harm was showing the classic signs of post-traumatic stress disorder. Logically, Mac recognized it for what it was but emotionally, she was angered and saddened by his sudden withdrawal from her. After going through all he endured to rescue her only to push her away.

Harm left early and went home without telling anyone but the Admiral. Only to himself did he admit that he wasn’t as strong as he wanted to be. His body was trembling with fatigue. And his mood was worsened by his argument with Mac. He went straight to bed, stopping only long enough to strip off his uniform and throw it over a chair before climbing under the covers.

He was awake less than an hour later in a cold sweat. Swearing profusely, he dragged both hands through his hair, willing his heartbeat back to normal. Lying back down, he clenched his hands into fists and closed his eyes, determined to go back to sleep. He didn’t even make it another hour when the nightmares came flooding back. Was this the way every night would be? Restless sleep broke by countless nightmares of the horror in Panama? How long would it take before he stopped remembering each blow and the bullet meant to end his life? How long would it take to stop hearing Mac’s screams and knowing he’d failed to keep her safe? Disgusted, he got up and dressed in a pair of sweat and a shirt. He couldn’t just sit here or he'd go insane. A drive might help settle him down.

Mac parked in the alleyway to the loft and turned the corvette off. She found out by way of Admiral Chegwidden, who assumed she already knew that Harm had left early because he wasn’t feeling well enough to finish the day. The older man believed Harm was pushing himself too far, too fast.

The SUV was not parked where it usually was and she dropped her head forward against the steering wheel, wondering if she should wait for a few minutes or try coming back later. She heard an engine and glanced up in time to see him turn into the alley. He parked and climbed out, looking exhausted.

She was there.

Like an apparition from the mists, he wished for her and there she was. Climbing out of the ‘vette and looking for all the world to see like it was just another day. Only he noticed the tremor in her hands and the slightly unsteady way she shut the car door and walked toward him. Dark glasses shielded her eyes and she didn’t smile as she approached, nor did she say anything. She just stopped in front of him and waited.

Needing the time to marshal his thoughts, Harm remained quiet as well and turned instead to lead the way inside. She walked with him, entering the loft first when he pushed the door open. She took off her glasses and put them down along with her keys next to his on the little table by the door. The she turned at the same time he did.

For a long, long moment, they simply stared at each other. Harm’s eyes darkened with an emotion he couldn’t name as he studied the paleness of her skin, the fading bruises on her delicate cheekbones, the ones in the shape of handprints on her arms. She had her hands clenched into fists, steadying the tremor in them. And her breathing was a bit shallow. Affects from the fever he imagined.

Her eyes were on him as well. The puffy, discolored skin around his eyes and mouth, the place where his bottom lip was still split and the new scar ringing the corner of his eye. His hands were a mess, the two fingers of one still taped together from where Escobédo’s man so cruelly broke them.

Endless minutes passed before he moved. If he was surprised to see her there he didn’t show it but he managed to look really annoyed under the haggardness of his appearance.

"You should be resting," she stated idly.

"I need to stay busy," he countered.

"I need to talk to you."

"I’m really not up to it now. Can’t it wait?"

"Sorry, it can’t," she answered, walking past him into the living room.

Harm stared at the hallway for a moment, muttering, "Why don’t you come in?" to the empty space.

Mac heard him and shrugged. "Thanks, don’t mind if I do.

He turned to glare at her back and he slammed the door shut. "I really don’t care to talk right now," he stated flatly.

She turned, eyes flashing and put her hands on her hips. "Too bad. You’re not strong enough to throw me out and I’m not leaving until I’ve said what I came to say."

He sighed and leaned back against the door, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Don’t you think I see what you’re doing? Harm, we’ve been back just a week and you’re acting like nothing happened at all," she stated.

"How do you expect me to act?" he asked. "We’re back home, that’s all that matters. Things will settle down."

"Is that what you really believe?" she questioned softly. "That things will just magically be back to normal? You know better than that, Harm. You’re shell-shocked."

He snorted and rolled his eyes. "Shell-shocked because I just want to get back to my routine? Maybe this whole mess affected you more than I thought," he murmured. "You’re imagining things."

Her eyes widened but she let the insult bounce off. "Then why don’t you want to talk to me?"

"I am talking to you. What else do you want me to say? That I’m sorry for what happened? I am, I’m very sorry but what’s done is done. Is that what this is all about? Are you looking for your pound of flesh because Escobédo’s men captured you? Last I looked I was the one with all the new scars," he scoffed.

Mac took a step toward, hands clenched into fists at her sides. "It’s about you feeling sorry for yourself, you dumb ass. I refuse to let you act like this was all a bad dream!"

He rolled his eyes and pushed away from the door. "Since when are you such an expert on everything?" he demanded. "You don’t even know what happened to me so how can you judge how I feel? You spent the last two weeks doped up!" he snarled.

The crack of her open palm against his cheek snapped across the room and he stumbled backward. Cheek stinging, he stared at her incredulously.

"How dare you!" she hissed, shaking with fury. "You will not take this out on me! If you want to slide into a pit of despair, then you go right on ahead but don’t you blame me for it! Damn it, you have nothing to feel guilty for, do you hear me?" she cried. "I know you better than anyone else, you jackass. I didn’t have to be there every step of the way to know how you feel now. It’s coming through loud and clear in your behavior. I know you feel like you broke your promise to take care of me but don’t you see? You did take care of me! You came after me, at the risk of getting killed and took me out of that hellhole.

You’re right, I don’t know exactly what happened but I can guess. I know you pushed yourself past the limit to find me. I know you would have come after me yourself if the Admiral hadn’t practically tied you down. I know because that’s exactly what I would have done for you. You kept us going for days through the jungle when I got so sick I could barely stand up. I recognize the value of that even if you don’t. Maybe Webb and the Admiral would have gotten to me and maybe not. They might have waited a day too long planning. Maybe Escobédo might have moved me somewhere else. You could tear yourself up with maybes and what ifs and it still won’t change what happened to us."

"Shut up!" he yelled, interrupting her. "Just shut up! You don’t know what it was like! You couldn’t possibly! I knew Escobédo had taken you and a week passed before I was even conscious enough to know where I was. You think I look bad now? It’s nothing compared to what I looked like then that farmer found me in the ravine where they dumped me like so much trash! Anything could have happened to you in that week and that was my first thought after waking up." He took two strides across the room and grabbed her upper arms, shaking her slightly. "You have no idea what it was like! No one does! I promised to protect you and I failed! I failed, Sarah!" He seemed to deflate right before her eyes. "How can you even stand to look at me?" he whispered hoarsely, eyes ablaze.

Her eyes searched his. "How can I not?" she countered softly. "You’re my hero."

Something in that softly spoken response was his undoing and his sank to his knees in front of her. His head dropped forward against her stomach and she could see his broad shoulders heaving. Following him down, Mac wrapped her arms around his shoulders as tight as she could and held on. She could feel his body shaking against her and felt the wetness of his tears against her throat. He held her tight, his arms bruising. Mac cried with him, feeling a weight lifting away as they finally shared the same deep pain they were feeling.

"You did everything you could," she whispered against his dark hair. "There’s no solace in remembering," she whispered. "Reliving it is only going to drag you further down. Do you know what I see when I look at you? I see the bravest man I’ve ever known. I can only guess at the pain you must have endured but somehow you kept going. I was frightened that you would hate me for all you had to go through to get me out of that whorehouse. And I was appalled that they had done so much damage to you. You could never repulse me," she stated firmly. "Never."

He lifted his head then, his eyes wet. "I would have died trying to get to you," he murmured. "I thought I would go mad while Webb tried to find out where they’d taken you but no matter how long it took, I would have never given up. I keep seeing it playing in my head, over and over like a movie. I wake up in a cold sweat hearing the gunfire and your screams. Is this the way it’s always going to be? Feeling the pain and helplessness? Being so filled with rage that I can’t remember my own name?"

"Tell me what happened," she begged. "After they took me from you at the water. Tell me just this once and let’s get it all out."

"It’s better if we don’t rehash it," he answered evasively.

"Harm, please." Her tone brooked no argument. "Tell me. We can be done with it once and for all."

He looked at her for a long moment. "It’s ugly," he sighed, trying one last time to divert her.

"Tell me," she insisted.

He stared at her for a long time before he began to speak. Haltingly, he started with the old man, Diego, who’d found his body in the ravine. Out of simple kindness, the old man took him to their village to the old medicine man. A week later, he was fully awake for the first time. He still wasn’t sure what the old man had done to keep him alive. With so little of their own, the villagers took care of him and Diego made arrangements with a friend in another tiny town to take Harm back to the Embassy.

They didn’t recognize him at the Embassy until pictures were brought out and compared. The Embassy was on alert that the two officers were missing but Commander Rabb looked so bad they didn’t recognize him. It was almost laughable now how fast they’d gathered to help when they realized who he was. He’d called Bud first, who told him Admiral Chegwidden had walked out of the office against SECNAV’s orders and was in Panama with Webb. Bud got in contact with them and they came to the Embassy to get Harm.

Mac clung tightly to Harm, not uttering a sound as he talked. His arms were tight, almost hurting her and she could feel a fine tremor in his lean body. He was reliving the horrible memories yet again and she could feel the hold they had on him.

"I felt so incredibly weak," he whispered. "When we got back to the safe house, I could barely catch my breath, let alone mount a rescue for you. If Webb and the Admiral hadn’t been there to take care of the details, I might never…" his voice cracked and he drew a steadying breath. "I might never have found a way to get to you. There were so many things happening at once that I could think straight. Shane was there and Webb told me London had jumped ship. It happened so fast that by the time Shane got the word to Webb, you and I were already gone. The rescue mission they sent after us failed and Webb knew someone was leaking information. He said it came from SECNAV’s office. I really didn’t give a shit about any of that," he sighed, one big hand stroking her hair. "I only wanted to go after you. Nothing else seemed important anymore."

Before he continued, he released her. Drawing his knees up, he draped his arms over them and hung his head. Mac kneeled beside him, her hands clenched in her lap.

"Webb’s inside man found told us which of Escobédo’s men had taken you and where we could find them. It was all he could do but it was enough to get us started. We took the leader in the back alley of a seedy bar where they hung out. Shane speaks fluent Spanish and he got him to tell us where they’d taken you."

Mac watched the muscles in his back and shoulders bunch with tension, sweat breaking out in a glossy sheen over his skin. She held herself back, listening to the words pouring out of him.

Harm was back in a place he never wanted to remember again. Back to the place where the anger and violence overwhelmed him. Distantly, he sensed her moving and felt her hand on his arm.

"We had to… to torture him… to get him to talk," he stuttered, forcing the words out through a constricted throat. "I’ve never felt so much raw anger in my life. We were like a bunch of savages, Sarah," he whispered harshly, using her given name without realizing it. "We beat him down until he was begging for his life. I had every intention of killing him, I even had the knife at his throat, but something…something held me back. How ironic, that miserable scrap of humanity was begging for his life after what he’d done to us. Then I walked away. I guess I’ll never know what stopped me from killing him, God’s know I wanted it so bad I could taste it."

Still she remained silent, simply squeezing his arm in response.

"One of the others killed him after I walked away. I don’t know which of the three did it and I didn’t ask. It was fitting. We threw him out of the van at the gates of Escobédo’s compound and watched them scrambling around like a bunch of idiots." He laughed but the sound was flat and hollow. "Escobédo was sure I was dead. What a surprise he got to find out his men failed. After that I only wanted to come and get you. I wanted to storm the palace like some knight in shining armor and I probably would have gotten my ass killed," he stated roughly. "We got your location but someone had to go after Escobédo and London. Webb called for help and Shane volunteered to lead the men to Escobédo’s compound so I could come get you."

He looked up for the first time and shifted, roughly grabbing her upper arms and jerking her closer to him. "I remember wondering if you could feel my thoughts. I kept telling myself over and over that you would be all right. That you couldn’t be dead because if you were I would feel it. I couldn’t stop the images of you being in that God-awful place no matter how many times I kept telling myself not to think about. And when they took you from me, you were so sick…" he closed his eyes for an instant then looked at her again, fire blazing from their depths. "I was so afraid I could taste it. It was ripping my gut to shreds and all I could do was wait. I couldn’t come after you myself and there weren’t enough of us to hit both places at the same time. I kept remembering the look on your face right before they shot me. I could hear your screams over and over in my head. I can still hear them even with you here beside me." The pain in his face and more importantly, the bleakness in his eyes went straight to her soul.

"I don’t ever want to feel that way again. When I first walked up to the bed and saw your face, my knees almost gave out. I don’t ever want to go back there. I felt an avalanche of bitter regret hit me. All the things I’ve never told you, the things I haven’t done. Out of all we’ve been through, this is by far the worse and I’ll remember it every time I look in the mirror. So will you."

"We'll manage it together, Harm, I promise you. Just don't shut me out."

Harm scooted a bit closer to her, his first instinct to jerk her into his arms and never let her go. Then something else, something tender and needy took over and pushed the impatience away. Instead, he reached for her hands, pulling them apart. Very slowly, he drew her toward him, lifting her arms to his shoulders. Mac moved with him, the slender lines of her body flowing into his. A deep sigh slid from him, whispering against her hair as he bent to press his face into the curve of her neck. His big hands smoothed down her back to her hips, melding her to him.

He touched her everywhere he could reach. The length of her arms, her back, her hair. Mac burrowed against him, her body humming with the feel of being so close to him. The ebb and flow between them transcended a sexual feeling. This was about the two of them and they way they felt about each other. This was about her loving him and in that moment, knowing without a doubt that he loved her, too. A deep sigh welled up from inside her as she leaned into him and felt his bigger frame take her weight. Slowly, he rose to his feet, bringing her with him. Very carefully, Harm got one arm behind her knees and lifted her against his chest. The battered and torn muscles in his chest protested mightily but he ignored the pain and carried her up the steps to his bed.

He sat down on the edge and held her on his lap. Mac kept her arms wound around his neck, her cheek resting on his shoulder. It was warm and safe against him. It was where he promised to protect her. It was where she would happily spend forever. Neither of them spoke, as there was no immediate need for it. It was just a time to feel. Mac wanted to be as close as she could get. If there were some way to crawl inside of him she would have. Instead she settled for changing positions until she was straddling his lap, her legs wrapped around him. Images of the night they spent in the hotel under the watchful eye of the video camera came to her. They had come so very close to forgetting all about propriety and duty when there was nothing left between them but skin.

Harm couldn’t seem to get enough of touching her. His hands slipped beneath the hem of her shirt to the bare skin of her back, loving the silky warmth of her. The neckline was wide and he took advantage of it to brush his mouth against her throat and shoulders. Her head slipped back, allowing him more access. He breathed deeply, inhaling the scents that clung to her. Mac’s small hands slid down to rest against the hard wall of his chest and her lashes lifted, their eyes meeting.

"You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen."

The words seemed to sigh out of him, gently sweeping over her.

Her gaze was clear. "I want to stay like this with you," she whispered steadily. "I don’t want to go back to that dark place in my mind again. I just want you to hold me forever, safe against you."

"That’s where I want you to be," he murmured deeply. "In my arms, against my heart."

He rose from the bed and her legs dropped to the floor, bringing her upright again. Without another word, the man she’d loved seemingly forever began to undress her. Piece by piece, her clothing fell away, revealing her to him in the light of day this time. His eyes never wavered from hers as he also took off his own clothes, tossing them away. He yanked the blankets back on the bed and turned to put his arms around her again. Mac let him lead the way as he lowered her to the mattress, his big body coming down on top of her.

The blankets closed around them in a cocoon of warmth. Harm held her as tight as he dared without hurting her, arms and legs entwined. On some level, she inflamed his senses, but a greater need overwhelmed it and that was to feel the connection with her that only existed for them.

Mac shifted, tucking her face into the curve of his throat. He turned slightly to his side to take some of his weight from her. They were both warm and she could feel everywhere their skin touched. She would be content to stay in this very position for the rest of her life. Her senses slowly came to full attention, attuning to his presence. He surrounded her. From the gentle abrasion of the hair on his legs against the smooth skin of hers, to where her breasts pressed into the wall of his chest. The small bandage that remained scratched against her collarbone, reminding her of how close he’d been to death. Mac slid her fingers into his hair, holding him tight.

Over and over and he stroked her satiny skin. Sliding his palms over the length of her from neck to knee. Her skin fairly glowed beneath his touch, quivering under his tender assault. Harm shifted slightly, sliding one leg between hers. Mac responded by curling her leg around his. She could feel the heavy thud of his heart against her breasts and the gentle swell of his chest each time he took a breath.

"I was coming to get you," he whispered.

I couldn’t be away from you," she answered.

He shifted enough to look at her. Lifting his hands, he framed her face, smoothing her hair back. He looked at her for a very long time, memorizing the tilt of her eyes, the fullness of her lashes, the bow of her mouth. She’d lost a few pounds during their ordeal and from being so sick. His big hands slid downward, passing around the fullness of her breasts to the flat plane of her stomach. He could feel the delicate protrusion of her hipbones. She was fragile in his grasp, easily hurt if he applied too much pressure.

"You won’t hurt me," she stated gently, reading his thoughts.

The corner of his mouth lifted slightly. "I just don’t want to stop touching you."

"Then don’t."

"We have a lot to talk about."

"Later," she murmured. "I want to go to sleep. Please just hold me."

"Forever," he answered simply, his mouth against her ear as he drew her closer.

"Forever," she echoed, tightening her arms around him.

Mac came awake slowly, feeling as though she’d been asleep for days. For a moment she lay still, knowing immediately where she was, but wanting to revel in the quiet. It took a moment to sink in that she was alone in Harm’s bed. She heard the shower running and saw the shadow of his tall form beyond the glass partition. Mac tossed back the covers and slowly rose to her feet, standing still until she felt steady on her feet.

There was an extra blanket folded across the foot of his bed that she unfurled and draped over her shoulders. Harm hadn’t bothered to turn a light on in the bathroom so she carefully picked her way around the bed to the edge of the shower stall.

"I was trying not to wake you," he stated, sensing her presence.

"You didn’t. I can’t believe I slept as long as I did. How long have you been up?"

"Long enough to get in here. I was coming back," he answered, poking his head around the edge of the glance to smile at her.

She smiled back and touched his cheek. "You’re smiling."

"Yeah, I guess I am."

"Been awhile since I’ve seen it."

"I think it got lost," he teased softly. "You found it for me."

"I’m glad," she returned.

"Come here," he ordered gently, catching her hand.

Prior to now, Mac would have never dreamed she’d find herself in this spot with him. It was like waking in an alternate reality. If she were in her dreams now then she never wanted to wake up.

"What are you thinking? You’re hesitating," he murmured.

"Just a passing thought."

"About?"

"This. Being here with you. It seems like a dream."

"It’s no dream," he promised.

Tugging on her hand, he used his other hand to drop the blanket to the floor. He couldn’t see her clearly in the darkness but it only served to heighten his awareness of her. Drawing her into the shower stall with him, Harm wrapped her up against his chest and simply held her, unable to get enough of the feel of her. The hours of sleep they’d had cleared the cobwebs from his mind and having her close did wonders for his disposition. The hot water poured over them, filling the tiny enclosure with steam. All the sensations that had been secondary earlier were now foremost in his mind.

"Sarah," he murmured, using her given name this time.

"Hmmm?" she answered quietly, her fingers trailing up and down his back.

"Do you know where we are?"

"Yes," she answered matter-of-factly.

"And what we’re doing?" he asked further.

She lifted her head to look at him. "I know exactly where I am and who I’m with and I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else with anyone else. Got it?"

Harm smiled at her convoluted answer. "Got it."

Harm tightened his embrace, sliding his hands up and down her back, feeling the water cascade over her skin and his hands. Mac’s blood raced wildly through her body as her senses came alive. Earlier, she’d been too overwhelmed by just being with him again to think of anything else. Now all of her feminine instincts were rising for him. The time for talking would have to come later. Now it was their time to have each other.

Harm could feel the tension mounting in her slender form and she trembled everywhere they touched. His own knees were none too steady as he felt the silken warmth of her skin. Their mental connection was stronger than ever after all they’d been through. His arms contracted tighter, almost stealing her breath as his eyes roamed her face. Electricity hummed and warmed.

"Kiss me, Harm," she whispered tremulously.

His mouth caught the sound of his own name before it left her lips. Her breath hitched and she melted against him, letting him take her weight. His hands came up to cup the contours of her face, smoothing her wet hair back. Very slowly, his mouth played against hers, coaxing her lips apart. She moaned softly when the tip of his tongue traced the seam of her closed lips. Harm nibbled teasingly at the moist fullness of her bottom lip. She parted them on a breathless rush and he slipped inside to explore the darkness within. What started as gentle and exploratory changed to hard and feral, as if he were trying to seek a way inside to her heart. She met him head on, straining up on her tiptoes to get closer, driving him the brink of wanting. He felt his control slipping and struggled for control.

"I want to take my time," he whispered against her mouth. "I’ve waited so long to have you with me that I want to savor you. I want the memories of this first time to last forever."

Mac’s fingertips came up to frame his mouth, the tip of one sliding between her mouth and his, feeling the wet glide of his bottom lip. "I want that, too."

She felt his smile against her mouth and then he reached behind her to turn off the shower. He pulled a towel from the rack at the side and dried them both off. Picking her up, he slowly maneuvered his way back to the bed and put her down in the center before following her down. His much bigger frame pushed her into the mattress but it was a welcome weight and she twined her arms and legs around him to hold him close. Harm watched her for several long minutes, as if memorizing her face. Feeling shy all of a sudden, she met his gaze, sighing when she felt him move to the planes of her face. He lowered his head and kissed her tenderly, letting his lips play along hers for a moment. Hers parted instinctively and he dipped inside, sliding his tongue along hers.

He shifted slightly and Mac lifted her knees, making a cradle for him between her thighs. His hands trailed slowly down her arms to her hips, stroking her over and over. Mac sighed gently as she traced the breadth of his shoulders, testing the strength of him with her hands. Harm rolled, taking her with him so that she was straddling his hips, rising above him like a marble statue in the moonlight.

"Christ, you’re beautiful," he swore gently. And she was - more beautiful than he ever imagined in his dreams.

Almost hesitantly, his hands slid up her rib cage, resting just below the weight of her breasts. He slid his hands the final distance and covered both breasts, shaping their fullness before finally circling the nipples with his fingertips. Mac gently arched her back, pushing herself deeper into his touch. Harm raised himself into a sitting position, bringing her breasts in line with his mouth. Her head rolled back at the first tentative touch of his lips. A low moan slipped from her throat as she clutched his head between her hands, holding him against her. His tongue rasped over her right nipple before moving to the left, giving it the same attention. He cupped her breasts in his hands and gently pushed them together, bringing both nipples into his mouth at once. She gasped sharply and writhed against him as both sensitive nipples reacted to the pressure of his mouth. Harm left her breasts and moved down the front of her body. His big hands circled her rib cage, holding her steady as she leaned back, offering herself to him. His tongue left a moist trail across the quivering muscles of her stomach as he moved lower and lower. His hands gripped her hips, digging into her skin as he shifted her slightly backward.

Mac felt the muscles in her stomach clench tightly when his warm breath fanned over the heart of her. His head lowered as he lifted slightly on her hips and a gasp slipped from her mouth when he pressed his lips against her soft mound. She raised herself a bit more on her knees to accommodate him, putting her hands behind her on his thighs for support.

"You feel so good," he whispered against her. "The way you taste and smell, so sweet and warm."

Languidly, Harm bushed his mouth against her curls, burrowing into the velvety folds of her womanhood until he discovered the treasure beneath. She gasped, her back arching sharply when his tongue touched her again. Harm continued, circling the tiny nub of skin below with his tongue before drawing it gently into his mouth to suck on it. He bit at her just enough to get her attention and Mac cried out as a climax instantly swept through her, leaving her shaking in his hold.

Without a word, he turned and laid her down. He rolled her onto her stomach and pressed his open mouth to the skin between her shoulder blades. Mac opened her mouth to tell him to let her please him but the words died in her throat when his tongue dipped into the small of her back. A violent shiver racked her body as he followed the curve of each buttock before licking the sensitive skin where her legs and bottom met. Hands stretched out, Mac clenched fistfuls of the bedding as he continued his torturous descent down her legs before starting the trip back up. He nudged her legs apart and she felt herself tightening up all over again when his breath fanned the skin of her inner thighs.

"Oh, God," she hissed through clenched teeth.

Her legs instinctively bent at the knee as he pushed them apart, making room for his hand. His bit gently at the skin along her spine, making his way to the nape of her neck at the same time his fingers delved into her slick folds. Her hips pressed into the mattress in reaction, trapping his hand against her.

Pushing her hair aside, Harm nipped at her neck, pausing to draw her small earlobe between his teeth. He sucked on it gently before moving around to the other ear, smiling against her as shivers rolled over her. He pulled gently against her womanhood, urging her backward. She came up on her side, her back to him, his hand still between her legs from behind. Mac bent her top leg, allowing it open to let him in. Slowly, he slid his fingers into her, testing the heat and readiness of her body, pushing her to the edge again. Mac’s head lolled back against his chest and Harm bent his head to string kisses at her neck and over her shoulder. Mindless with the need he was building in her, Mac slid her hand down to cover his. Both of their fingers moved against her swollen flesh, slowly at first then faster and faster as she approached the edge of her cliff. With a strangled cry, she climaxed again, as harsh as the first time, her body convulsing against him.

Harm leaned over her and covered her mouth with his, kissing her deeply even as her body was clenching around his fingers. He drew her tongue into his mouth, sucking on it as his hand rose to knead her breast, rasping almost painfully against her sensitive nipple.

"Please," she gasped against his mouth.

"Please what?" he whispered.

"Let me touch you, Harm. Let me give you the same pleasure you’re giving me."

"I want this night to be for you," he countered.

"Being here with you is everything I need. Let me touch you before I go mad."

When he didn’t answer, she twisted in his arms and pushed him back against the pillows. She kissed him teasingly, tracing her tongue over his lips before seductively slipping inside. She pulled back before he could close the kiss on his end and smiled at the heady-lidded look her gave her.

Mac slid her mouth over his chin and down the strong column of his throat, her small teeth nipping where his pulse throbbed. He didn’t make a sound as she moved lower. She was determined to wring the same strangled moans from his throat that he had from her. She traced an idle pattern through the hair on his chest before her mouth closed over one flat, male nipple. He big body tensed beneath her as she sucked gently on the nub, closing her teeth around it to tug softly. Just as he started to shift, she moved to the other nipple, giving it the same attention. Moving over the hard plane of his stomach, she slid her other hand up and down his thighs, skirting the juncture of his body where his manhood rose. She came very close to him, her hair tickling the ultra sensitive skin of his shaft when she kissed the little patch of skin right above it. A breath hissed between his teeth and she smiled, full of feminine power. Slowly rubbing his thighs, she drew her mouth up the length of him from base to tip. She did it several times, up and down, until his body was straining against her. Feeling daring, she blew gently against the tip of him before slowly taking him into her mouth.

"Sweet Jesus," he groaned harshly, his hands fisting in her hair as her mouth sank around him.

Mac slowly drew her mouth upward before sinking again, very slowly so every single nerve in him came roaring to life. She could feel the iron control in his body as he struggled not to give in to her. Determined, she continued to taunt him, her lips torturing the hard satiny length of him. Her small hand slipped below, cupping him in her palm and her fingertip found a tiny spot that made him jerk against her. She touched it again and found herself flung onto her back before she could blink.

"Enough," he growled, kissing her hard.

She kissed him back, nipping at his bottom lip. He caught her face between his hands and held her still, ravaging her mouth until it was almost painful. She returned his ardor with everything she had in her, meeting every thrust of his tongue.

"I want to be inside you," he muttered against her mouth.

"Come in and stay forever," she answered, sliding her hands down his back.

Harm moved his hands down to her hips and shifted her beneath him. She shivered as the tip of his manhood bumped against her heat. His hands moved beneath her thighs and he tugged her legs up and out, opening her to him. Her hands slid between their bodies and she circled the length of his shaft, drawing him to her opening. Her fingers slid against him as he slowly, slowly, pushed into her. Harm could almost feel her catching and holding her breath as he filled her, sliding in until he was completely submerged in the heated depths of her body. He laid the palm of one hand over her mound as he gently rocked his hips against her.

"Oh, my," she whispered breathlessly.

She slid her hand down over his and felt each slide of his manhood where he entered her. Harm grasped both of her hands and pulled her up until she was straddling him. He bent his head and circled his tongue around one nipple, blowing on it lightly until it hardened into a tight bead. Drawing her into his mouth, he sucked hard, forcing a cry from her constricted throat. Mac clutched his shoulders as his hands slid beneath her bottom, urging her to ride him. She wrapped her arms around his neck and began to move slowly up and down his hard length. Her breasts rubbed enticingly against his chest, each brush of the white bandage shooting arrows of feeling into her belly.

"Turn around, Sarah," he whispered at her ear.

Her body felt empty as she moved away from his shaft. Turning, she presented her back to him. Harm grasped her hips and drew her back. Holding himself steady, he urged her down and filled her again. On her knees, straddling his thighs, Mac felt the difference of the position. Sensation rocketed through her as he circled his arms around her body. One of his big hands moved to cover one breast as the other hand tunneled between her legs, seeking out the swollen nub tucked in her slick folds.

"Harm?" she cried softly, arching back against him.

He didn’t answer but instead increased the brush of his fingers and kissed the side of her neck, drawing lazy circles over her skin with his tongue. Mac covered his hand where it rested on her breasts, feeling the hard nipple under her own fingers as they tangled with his. She’d never experienced such an erotic moment with any other man. Harm aroused a passion in her she hadn’t even known existed. The exquisite touch of his hands and mouth were driving her to the brink of insanity.

"Put your hand over mine," he ordered gutturally.

Mac moved her other hand down between her thighs and covered his. He twined his fingers with hers and curved their joined hands over her warmth. Then he pulled his hand from beneath and covered hers instead, pressing her own palm to her body. She could feel where the strength and thickness of his shaft filled her and the wetness of her own body coated her fingers. With his fingers guiding her, they rubbed the tiny bud of her sex. Circling, pressing, flicking back and forth. A wave of feeling crashed over her and Mac felt her whole body winding up like a spring from deep inside. Harm pushed their fingers harder against her as his other hand, clenched around her hip, pulling her harder onto his rigid length.

Yet another orgasm gripped her body, her inner muscles contracting around him. Harm clenched his teeth against the urge to let his own body go and rode out the waves of her moment, feeling the powerful tremors rocking her, hearing the gasp of her breath and the soft moans in her throat. Her head fell back against his shoulder and he bent his head to kiss her, flicking the tip of his tongue against her lips before delving inside.

Holding her steady, he leaned forward, pushing her to the mattress. She slid away from his body in a boneless heap. Harm caught her legs and rolled her to her back. Bending her legs up at the knee, he plunged his manhood into her in one smooth stroke. Mac cried out softly as his body rubbed against her sensitive skin. Grasping both of her hands in his, he stretched her arms above her head. Holding them in the grasp of one broad palm, he slid the other hand down to her leg. Mac trembled with anticipation and desire as he lifted her leg over his thigh, shifting slightly to the side so he wouldn’t crush her. Her body stretched around his considerable size and she felt him move his hand under her bottom, crushing her against him. He began to thrust into her, slowly, building the tension in her all over again.

"How can you stand it?" she moaned, pressing her mouth to his.

"You’re killing me," he muttered harshly. "But I want to make it last as long as I possibly can. I’ve waited a lifetime for this one moment. For the feeling of being inside your heat."

"I love you," she stated fiercely. "I’ve wanted you forever. Filling me, surrounding me, scrambling my senses. You’ve given me pleasure over and over already. I don’t even feel like my body is mine anymore. Don’t make me come alone again, Harm. Come with me. Come inside of me," she whispered brazenly, her lips against his.

She could see the harsh lines of his face in the darkness and feel the incredible tension that gripped his body. He released her hands and moved fully over her, pressing her into the mattress. His arms slid under her legs and he lifted them, pulling her down against him. Mac’s hands rose over her head to grip the edge of the headboard as he began to thrust in and out of her. Her eyes were glued to his even though she had to fight against closing them. Instead she watched him, watched the intense passion that glazed his eyes and drew his mouth into a tight line. Sweat beaded on his dark skin as he moved faster and harder, slamming into her. She could hear the flat sound of his flesh meeting hers as he drove all the way into her depths. Harm felt the clutch of her body and it made his blood pound furiously. His eyes bored into hers and he saw the desire that flushed her skin and dotted her with perspiration.

"Harder," she whispered raggedly. "It’s not enough!"

Harm lifted her legs over his arms and gripped her bottom, practically lifting her off the bed. He thrust into her over and over, the bed banging into the wall under the force of his movements. Mac arched her body, hands gripped around the headboard as she lifted her hips to meet each downward stroke. Her body tightened so painfully she almost blacked out and then she was spinning. Colors blazed before her eyes and ringing sounded in her ears as a massive climax swept through her. She felt him ram into her hard. Once, twice and one final time before he went over the edge with a hoarse shout. She felt his rigid shaft begin to spasm, countering the contractions in her own body as his seed spilled into her. For several long moments neither of them moved. The furious beat of both hearts echoed the harsh sounds of their breathing. Finally, Harm groaned low in his throat and gathered her into his arms, easing slightly to the side so he wouldn’t crush her.

He held her so tight she couldn’t breathe as their climaxes slowly drained away, leaving them both exhausted. Mac clung to him, feeling tears leak from the corners of her eyes into the hair at her temples. Harm touched his lips to her lashes, slowly running his tongue along the fringe of wet lashes as he sipped away her tears.

"I love you, Sarah, so very much."

"No more than I love you."

Harm came awake slowly, feeling stiff and out of sorts. His left arm was asleep and he realized Mac was still curled against him. He moved a fraction and felt his lower body stir to life. He was still buried deep inside of her. They hadn’t moved an inch after falling asleep. The clock behind her on the nightstand read 0430, just before dawn. It was dim in the room but he was close enough for the luxury of studying her as she slept.

Her face was relaxed in sleep, a content look on her pretty features. She looked calm, even in sleep. His gaze slid down her length, taking in how her slender lines seemed to melt effortlessly into the harder contours of his own body. She continually amazed him. They way they made love… it was more than he’d ever dreamed of and surpassed any of his other experiences. Maybe there was some truth in what people said about soul mates. He knew he’s found his in Mac. Tenderly, he traced the tips of his fingers over the curve of her cheek and down the side of her neck to her shoulder. She shivered lightly and he curled his fingers into a fist, afraid he’d wake her. Then he saw her smile.

"Go back to sleep," he whispered.

"No," she countered. "I might miss something."

He smiled, stroking his hands up her back. "I’m not going anywhere."

"I know. But I don’t want to miss a minute of you holding me."

Her eyes opened and she lifted her head, pressing a tiny kiss to his chin.

"How do you feel?" he asked her.

"Like I could conquer the world. You?"

"Like I’ve been run over by a truck."

This brought her head up with a jerk and she saw his teasing smile. "That was a lot of abuse on your poor, battered body," she mused, tracing a finger over the bandage around his chest.

"I know a way you can make me feel better," he murmured.

She arched a brow. "Really? Let me help you, Harm," she whispered seductively.

"All you have to do is stay where you are," he answered.

He slipped one hand between their bodies and slowly swept his thumb back and forth over one nipple. She gasped and stiffened slightly as her body responded instantly to his touch. Languidly, he began to rock against her, his shaft sliding effortlessly in and out of her silken depths. There was no hurry this time, just the gradual build between them. Harm kissed her tenderly, over and over as their lower bodies moved until they finally reached the pinnacle together.

As his heart slowed, Harm stroked his hand over her damp hair, smoothing it away from her face. Mac shifted enough to look into his face, searching his eyes. Harm knew the time had come for them to get some truths out into the open.

"Thank you," he whispered tenderly.

"For what?" she asked.

"For loving me enough to help me overcome this."

Mac’s eyes searched his and her gaze was strong as she bit back the threatening tears. She touched his lean cheek with trembling fingers. "I never got the chance to tell you I wasn’t playing you and Darren against each other. He’s my friend, just my friend, and he gave me something I didn’t even know I needed until just now."

Harm stared at her incredulously. "Darren? What the hell does he have to do with what I just told you?" he demanded.

She simply smiled tenderly and smoothed her fingers over his lips. "I simply thought you should know Darren isn’t a threat to you, Harm. Darren's wife and baby were killed a year ago and he’s still learning to live with the ghosts. He said something to me that didn’t fully sink in until now. Death is a finality you can’t fight. I think a part of me has always believed that I would be with you everyday, no matter what. I have but to look at you to realize how very close I came to losing you. I don’t know what I would do if that ever happened and I couldn’t have you back. I don’t want to wake up years from now with nothing but bitterness to keep me company. I don’t want to relive and regret, Harm."

"His wife and baby? Someday you can tell me that story if you want. The Admiral told me life happens while we’re making plans," he murmured, his eyes searching hers. "It’s been moving on all this time while I was trying to get over myself. I’m a coward. I wanted to go to you that night in the hospital after the storm but I didn’t. I let Darren go instead and I lay there panicking all over because I was sure he was out to take you from me.

I was terrified then, too. A coward who couldn’t face a woman and tell her how I feel about her. I made excuse after excuse to myself – excuses you’ve already heard. I should have told you then how I felt when I first believed you might be falling for Darren. I just didn’t know how."

Mac felt her heart melting all over. "There’s nothing in this world you can’t tell me that I won’t understand. Sometimes the very thing you’re looking for is the one thing you can’t see. Darren tried to tell me you were jealous and I didn’t believe it. We could have saved ourselves so much grief." She inched slightly closer and grasped both of his hands with hers, squeezing tightly. "I think we’re right where we’re supposed to be. This is our destiny. If we’d made one different decision, decided on one different course, maybe we wouldn’t be here now. I wouldn’t have you here with me realizing just how deeply you’re woven into the fabric of my life. After Harriet brought me home from the hospital and I had time to think, I realized what I’d been doing. I’ve blamed you for a lot of things that have gone wrong between us. I wanted you to come right out and admit how you felt, step up to the plate and be a man, and when you didn’t I believed it was because you just didn’t love me enough."

He started to say something but she stopped him again with her fingers to his mouth.

"I've discovered how much I've turned into a self-righteous prig. I've been blaming you all this time when we’re both at fault. I could have come right out and told you how I felt. Do you remember the night on the ferry? We could have solved this then but we’ve gotten way too good at sidestepping each other and I think it’s time we stopped. I guess I always thought you knew I loved you and maybe you did but it’s not the same as hearing me tell you. I do love you, Harm. I love you more than anything or anyone else in this world. If you need time to be sure this is where and what you want, you’ve got it. I don’t need you to prove that you love me. You’ve already proved it over and over. I just wasn’t paying attention," she said gently.

"All you need to know now is that I love you. I always have. The rest will works itself out for us, Sarah."

"How did you find out about this place?"

Harm glanced over at her and smiled. "By accident. I overheard a conversation with his mother. I'm not even sure if he still owns the place or if he'll be here but it's the only lead we have."

"If nothing else we're getting a nice drive out of it," she smiled.

They climbed higher and higher into the hills until the single lane dirt road came into view and Harm turned off. The cabin was visible in slices through a stand of trees but as he drove around to the driveway, Mac gasped softly.

"What a beautiful place!" she exclaimed.

"Not what I would have expected for him," Harm murmured.

"You know as well as I do that Webb is never what he seems."

"True."

They climbed out of the SUV and walked up the steps of a wide verandah to the door. Harm knocked and they waited. Two hard knocks later they were still waiting. Frowning, Harm went back down the steps, Mac following behind him. They went around to the back of the cabin and saw a stone footpath.

"Let’s go see if we can scare up a spook," he teased softly, holding out his hand to her.

She laughed softly and slid her fingers across his palm. They headed down the path through a lush grove of trees and into a small clearing. Ahead was a crystal clear lake and there sat Clayton Webb with a fishing pole in hand.

He spun around when he heard the sound of someone coming and promptly turned his back to them. "Go away. You're trespassing," he stated.

"You're a hard man to track down," Harm said, ignoring Webb's command.

"Obviously not hard enough," he retorted.

They went to the bank of the lake and sat down on either side of him. He glanced in both directions and raised a brow.

"Afraid I'll make a run for it?" he asked.

Harm snorted. "You can try."

That actually brought forth a laugh. "You couldn’t catch me in the shape you're in," he snorted.

"Maybe you're right," Harm conceded. "Which is why you at least owe us a talk."

"I quit, I don't have to talk to anyone anymore."

"Not even your friends?" Mac asked softly.

Webb was silent for a long moment, jiggling his fishing pole. "Is that still what you’d consider us? After what happened?"

Harm drew one knee up and draped his arm over it. "Funny, what I remember is you helping me save Mac and getting rid of Escobédo. What do you remember?"

"Nothing pleasant," Webb muttered.

"No, none of it was pleasant," Harm agreed. "You can't quit, Clay."

"I already did."

"Not officially. SECNAV called the Admiral and he called me and… well, you get the drift. I brought Mac along for reinforcements in case I need to pound some sense into you. They're hoping I'll make sure to point out how foolish you're being."

Those last words finally got a reaction out of the other man. He threw down the fishing pole and jumped up, fairly vibrating with anger.

"Foolish? You want to know about being foolish? Being foolish is believing I can repeatedly push the limits without consequence. Believing that I can shove people into any role I want and make them act on cue. My, God, Harm, I almost got both of you killed! And not for the first time, I might add. How many more times are you going to rush in and help me before something happens that I can't fix?"

Harm and Mac both stood, facing Webb. Mac touched his arm.

"Is that what you feel so guilty about? That you couldn't just pick up the phone, make a call and magically fix what happened? Clay, it doesn't work like that and you know it. We agreed to help you in Panama. We weren't forced into it. And this isn't the first time we've been in danger so why do you suddenly feel different about it?"

The gaze he fixed on them was bleak and haunted. "I guess I've lost my taste for it," he muttered.

Harm's eyes narrowed on the shorter man. "You're lying. Tell us the truth."

"It's just getting too hard, all right!" he yelled.

For a long moment no one spoke but Harm and Mac exchanged a telling look.

"Now you listen to me, damn it, and listen good. You saved all of us, Webb. You saved us. And you've saved us many other times when no one else could help us," Mac stated emphatically. "You want honest? I'll be honest with you. There have been times when I wanted to kill you myself for getting us into a mess but you've always stepped in when we needed you in return. You do a job for this country most of the general public would love to believe doesn't really exist and no matter what it does to you, you still keep doing it everyday. Do you think we don't know how hard that is?" She took a step closer to him and touched his arm.

"Clay, I know it must rip your guts up to do some of the things you do and I admire you because you find someway to get around all the ugly things in your world and keep going day after day. You can't quit now, you just can't. I know this seems like a mountain to overcome but you're not alone. You have us. You may not think you have friends but you have Harm and I," she stated emphatically.

Harm cleared his throat quietly and laid a hand over Webb’s shoulder. "I owe you my life and Mac’s, Webb. You went against orders to find us and then called in help to make sure it was done. If you and the Admiral hadn’t been in Panama with me, I probably would’ve charged in without thinking or planning and gotten killed. Lord knows what would have happened to Mac. We owe you our lives and you owe it to us to help us find out who’s working the fence. I’m not going to let Commander Péna go to jail for something he didn’t do and I need your help to prove it. It’s always going to be hard, Webb, but you can’t give up."

Webb looked between the two of them, his expression remote. "You’re wasting your breath," he muttered. "I’ve already made up my mind. You’re resourceful, Rabb. I have no doubts you would have worked things out on your own down there. And you had the Admiral."

"No one could have made things happen as fast as you did."

Webb shrugged negligently. "Just luck I guess."

Harm grabbed the front of Webb’s shirt in his fists and jerked the shorter man up on his toes. "I never took you for a coward."

"Guess you weren’t paying attention. Now if you don’t mind, I’d like to get back to my fishing and you’re trespassing," he stated coldly.

Harm let go of him with a hard shove and Webb stumbled before regaining his balance. Harm motioned for Mac to go ahead of him up the path, his gaze still on Webb who stubbornly refused to look at them.

"We’re going after this case with or without your help," Harm growled, before he turned and followed Mac.

After they were gone from sight, Webb swore viciously and pushed both hands through his hair. Why the hell did things have to be so complicated?

"I can’t believe he’s acting like such an ass!"

Mac simply smiled. "Rings a bell, doesn’t it?"

Harm sent her a dark look as they headed back down the mountain road from Webb’s cabin. "Very funny," he muttered.

Her express grew serious. "We’ll turn him around, you’ll see. There has to be a way," she told him.

"I hope to God you’re right," Harm stated.

"Hey, Webb-ster, I here you threw in the towel."

Webb groaned and slowed squeezed his eyes shut when he heard the intrusion of a dulcet southern tones. "Go away, McGraw," he growled.

Agent Dixie McGraw laughed softly as she stepped up on the back porch. She dropped gracefully onto the porch swing next to him and curled her legs beneath her. "No," she stated succinctly. "We have some things to discuss – starting with why you’re being an ass."

Webb slowly turned his head and glared at her. "I don’t recall asking for your opinion," he answered flatly.

She simply smiled. "That’s okay, you know I’m not shy about speaking my mind."

"Look, I don’t want to discuss this with you, Dixie. I just want to be left alone."

"Tough cookies, buster. If you think for two seconds I’m going to let you throw your whole life away, you’d better think again," she returned evenly, eyes flashing.

"You don’t have a say in the matter."

"Maybe not but that’s never stopped me before. Listen to me, Clayton."

She dropped her feet to the floor and moved closer to him.

"You know I hate it when you call me that," he muttered.

Her mouth turned up slightly. "No, you don’t. You just want me to think that. Please tell me why you think quitting is the only thing you can do."

Webb looked at her for a long moment. "I don’t know if I can do it anymore," he murmured, unable to lie to her.

Dixie leaned forward and clasped her hands over his. "Quitting won’t make it any better. We’ve been in so many dangerous situations I’ve lost track and I’ve never seen it affect you like this. But that’s because you’ve gotten good at pushing it down inside where it can’t touch you. I’ve known you for a long time, Clayton. You’re one of the smartest, bravest men I know. It wasn’t your fault that things went awry in Panama. You did everything the way you were supposed to and if it hadn’t been for you, maybe none of you would have gotten out of there alive," she stated.

"That’s easy for you to say. You weren’t there," he answered bitterly. "I’m sure Rabb and MacKenzie would agree with me."

"And I’m sure they would agree with me. I talked to Admiral Chegwidden yesterday. I know you blame yourself for what happened but you’re alone in that boat. Can’t you see that? They don’t you accountable for what happened. If you want to blame someone, then find out who leaked the information from the SECNAV’s office but don’t sit here and tear yourself into little pieces."

Clay took a slow, deep breath and lowered his head, looking at their hands. "You don’t understand, Dix. No one does."

Her smile was sad this time. Without a word, she pulled her hands from his. One went to his waistband and slid beneath his shirt, her cool touch gliding over the flat expanse of his stomach to the puckered ridge of a scar. Clay lifted his head and looked at her, his hand moving to cover hers beneath his shirt.

"Do you remember how you got this? I do. It’s something I’ll never forget as long as I live. It was the day I got my very own white knight," she murmured.

His eyes searched hers, memories seeping in like tendrils of mist at the edge of his mind. "That was a long time ago," he answered.

"That doesn’t lessen the importance for me. I remember it like it was yesterday instead of five years ago. You took this bullet to save me," she went on.

That fateful day came back to both of them, mirrored in their gazes as it rushed forward after being so long forgotten. It was their second case together and a year in the making to nail the leader of a fascist group selling weapons technology.

"I still remember every detail," Dixie went on. "Coogan was two seconds away from killing me and you stepped in front of me. You’ll probably never in your life understand what that did to me, Clayton, but I will never forget it. You saved my life and nearly lost your own. I sat by your side in that hospital until I thought I’d go mad praying for you to be okay. Getting caught in a pool of depression only leads to drowning. We can’t save the whole world. We can only do the best we can every day. You saved Rabb and MacKenzie. Admiral Chegwidden told me he could never have accomplished all that without your help. He didn’t have the resources or the connections to make it happen that fast."

She scooted closer and pressed her hand flat again his skin under his shirt then touched his lean cheek with her other hand.

"Please don’t tear yourself apart thinking about everything that went wrong. Think about everything that went right. Because if anything else had gone wrong, I might not be sitting here with you now and that would surely break my heart," she whispered tenderly.

"That was a fluke," he muttered, desperately to hang onto his indifference.

Her eyes were soft. "If you say so. You don’t have to hide away from me."

He closed his eyes as if in pain and his hand tightened around hers. "I just don’t know how to face that again, Dixie. You weren’t there and you couldn’t possibly understand how I felt. I felt… I was angry, more so than I ever remember feeling. I’ve turned my back over and over to the backlash this job brings with it but somehow this was different. Maybe I can’t numb myself to it anymore," he mumbled bleakly.

At his side, Dixie pulled her hands free and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. With her forehead resting against his temple, she simply hugged him to her. Clay lifted his hands and curved them around one of her arms.

"I expected this case to be like all the others. They would help me out and we’d get the bad guy. The night I found out they were gone… I can’t begin to tell you how that made me feel. Like I was standing on the edge of a cliff about to go over."

Daisy tightened her hold around his neck. "For years I’ve worked with you, near and far, Clayton. I’ve watched you handle extreme situations without batting an eye. I’ve seen you twist the law and flat out turn your back on it in order to get the end result you were looking for. I know the Boss turns his back and pretends he doesn’t know what you’re doing half the time as long as you keep getting results. I’ve often wondered how you could appear so unaffected by it all. The more cases I handled, the more I understood. You shut down or you lose your mind." She spoke gently, her warm breath brushing against his neck.

Clay’s fingers tightened marginally on her soft skin. "Is that where I am now? On the edge of losing my mind? Have I stored so much up inside that there’s nothing left? I’m afraid, Dixie. For the first time in years, I’m truly afraid of myself, of losing everything that remains of my humanity."

She shifted then and placed on hand on his cheek to turn his gaze to hers. "You haven’t lost your humanity. You wouldn’t feel this way if you had. I think you rediscovered it, Clayton. There are two sides to you: the one who took the bullet for me and the one the rest of the world sees everyday. That man, the public figure, has done some unspeakable things in the name of our country. Most of us have because it’s how we get things done. We have an obligation to this country as a whole and that’s a hell of a lot of responsibility. I know how highly you think of Rabb and McKenzie. They probably don’t but I do. You trust them to help in places where you wouldn’t trust anyone else."

"Except you," he muttered.

She smiled slightly. "I’m different. Oh, Clayton, if I could wave my hand and magically make all this disappear, I would. You’re so strong, much stronger than you seem to think and I know you’ll get through this. Our missions go wrong. No matter how hard we try, there is always a variable we didn’t see coming. This one turned on you but you turned it back. Be grateful for that instead of blaming yourself because you didn’t see it coming."

He didn’t make a sound and with his head back down, Dixie couldn’t see his face. After several long minutes of silence, she felt the tremors racing through his lean form. He muscles were bunched beneath her hands and she could almost feel the tangible force of the fight he was having with himself. Understanding suddenly dawned on her.

"You’re afraid you’ve lost your edge, aren’t you?" she asked softly.

"What if I have?" he ground out harshly. "What if I can’t go back and do my job? What then? Am I a burn out? A has been? Tell me, Dixie!" he demanded furiously, whipping his head up to meet her eyes. How can I work for covert ops without my backbone?"

Dixie’s soft green eyes traced his face, taking note of the new lines of strain etched around his mouth and eyes. "Is that what you think - that you’re a coward because they were captured? There’s no way in hell. No matter how you feel now, I promise you this is not the end. I won’t let you give up on yourself, Clayton – not while I’m still breathing," she stated fervently.

"How can you be so sure?" he questioned angrily.

"I just am. You may be a lot of things but I promise you, you are anything but spineless. If you believe nothing else, at least believe that. And top talking about what-ifs because you don’t know what’s going to happen – no one does. But I do know we are going to conquer this, starting with the resolution of this case. Rabb and MacKenzie need your help to tie all the smuggling together with Escobédo. I’ll help you, Clayton, every step of the way. We’ll move through this together, one step at a time," she promised, her eyes glowing.

He shifted and grabbed her upper arms, pulling them from around his shoulders. "Why are you getting involved in this, Dixie? Damn it, don’t you know what I’ve done? I even killed Escobédo’s thug when Rabb couldn’t finish him off. I deserve every name they’ve ever called me and you want to help? If you were smart you’d get the hell away from me."

Instead of answering him, Dixie responded the only way she knew how and hoped it would somehow get through the walls he was throwing up. She slid her hands up his chest to frame his face and leaned forward. Tenderly, she rested her lips against his, kissing his very softly. He didn’t move so much as an eyelash for an instant then, he came alive like. His hands gripped her arms roughly as he kissed her back, forcing her mouth open under the pressure of his mouth. Dixie simply kissed him back until he was forced to break away from her to draw a breath.

Shoulders heaving, he dropped his head down until his forehead rested in the soft curve where her neck and shoulder met. Dixie’s hand went to his head, her fingers sliding into the cool strands of his hair and she rested her cheek against the softness. His arms went around her waist and her held her tightly, holding to the lifeline she was giving.

"It will be all right. I promise you," she whispered, smoothing her hand over his hair. "Move the mountain one stone at a time."

The End