EXCERPT FROM
"THE BIG SHOW" 3/25/51



TALLULAH BANKHEAD: Judy darling, darling, darling...you're late.

JUDY HOLLIDAY: I know. There was a fella in the elevator. You know that old routine - drop the handkerchief, "pardon me, is this your handkerchief?", "haven't I met you someplace before?"

TALLULAH BANKHEAD: Yes, I know that old gag. I never fall for it.

JUDY HOLLIDAY: He didn't fall for it either.

TALLULAH BANKHEAD: Judy, let me introduce you to some of the people on the show this week. This is Rex Harrison.

JUDY HOLLIDAY: How ya do.

REX HARRISON: Miss Holliday, this is a great pleasure. I want to tell you how much I enjoyed your stage version of Born Yesterday, and I enjoyed the picture even more...and I hope you win the Academy Award.

JUDY HOLLIDAY: (coyly) Fresh!

REX HARRISON: You misunderstand me. I was simply paying a tribute to your talent as an actress, because I think that your performance in Born Yesterday was one of the finest third dimensional portrayals its been my good fortune to see in the theatre for many a season.

JUDY HOLLIDAY: Get a load of that (English) accent...you must be an NYU boy.

TALLULAH BANKHEAD: And this young man, darling, is Don Cornell.

DON CORNELL: Hello Miss Holliday, this is a pleasure.

JUDY HOLLIDAY: How ya do. (pauses) Cornell! This place is lousy with college boys. Hey Tallulah, ya still single?

TALLULAH BANKHEAD: Judy, let me tell you right now, before we get involved, my marital status is of no concern of yours, and it has nothing to do with the show. And you are to rehearse the show and read what is in the script. The only thing I am interested in is this program. That's the most important thing in my life. Now is that clear?

JUDY HOLLIDAY: Sure. (pauses) You're still single, huh?

TALLULAH BANKHEAD: JUDY!!!

JUDY HOLLIDAY: WHAAAAT!!! (just like in Born Yesterday)

TALLULAH BANKHEAD: Now look darling, can't we have an intelligent conversation for a change?

JUDY HOLLIDAY: Well, what could be more intelligent than a college boy? College boys can teach you the three "R's" - readin', writin' and...gettin' a husband.

TALLULAH BANKHEAD: Where is the "R" in getting a husband?

JUDY HOLLIDAY: Raisin' a family, that's where.

TALLULAH BANKHEAD: Now for the last time Judy, I am not interested in college boys.

JUDY HOLLIDAY: ...and vice versa.

TALLULAH BANKHEAD: And I am not interested in...uh..."versa." Judy, do you know darling that I'm beginning to doubt that you can talk on any other subject.

JUDY HOLLIDAY: Oh sure I can. Ask me somethin'. Go 'head. It don't cost to ask.

TALLULAH BANKHEAD: Alright. Let's talk about...um...uh...well, let's talk about show business.

JUDY HOLLIDAY: Shoot.

TALLULAH BANKHEAD: Don't tempt me darling. How do you like show business, Judy?

JUDY HOLLIDAY: Oh fine. Especially when there's fellas waitin' at the stage door.

TALLULAH BANKHEAD: Oh dear, here we go again. All roads lead to men.

JUDY HOLLIDAY: So why'd you take a detour?

TALLULAH BANKHEAD: Well, I know how to get you off the subject. I want you to meet another guest. This is Carmen Miranda. Miss Holliday, Carmen Miranda.

CARMEN MIRANDA: I'm very happy to meet you Miss Holliday.

JUDY HOLLIDAY: Hey, didn't I meet you once Miss Miranda?.

CARMEN MIRANDA: Well, I don't remember exactly.

JUDY HOLLIDAY: Weren't you on the coast? Didn't I meet you in L.A.?

CARMEN MIRANDA: Oh si, si L.A.

JUDY HOLLIDAY: And then I met ya last year at a party here in New York.

CARMEN MIRANDA: Oh si, si N.Y.

JUDY HOLLIDAY: Back to the college boys (CCNY) again.

TALLULAH BANKHEAD: Now Judy, would you be a good neighbor and stop confusing our guests from South America.

JUDY HOLLIDAY: Hey, that's an idea. Why don't you take a cruise to South America?

TALLULAH BANKHEAD: I have no intention of taking a cruise to South America.

JUDY HOLLIDAY: It's wonderful. Ya go on a pleasure cruise, ya mingle with the passengers and ya meet a fella.

TALLULAH BANKHEAD: I have never yet met anyone on a pleasure cruise that I could tolerate.

JUDY HOLLIDAY: Did you ever try a tramp steamer?

TALLULAH BANKHEAD: Judy, why are you so anxious for me to go to South America?

JUDY HOLLIDAY: I figure if you go to South America, maybe they'll take it away.

TALLULAH BANKHEAD: Oh this is a waste of time!



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