Sometimes in the middle of the night, the darkness seems to fit my mood and I am tempted to question the reasons for my infirmities. I am a child of God, weak in body, sometimes in mind, scarred by memories but rarely do they haunt me, until a night such as this.
They know my weak moments, these shadows from the past and so they come to test me. They will not win, they know that, but the battle must be fought just the same. I draw close to Him and His light casts them from me. They have no hold on Him, therein is my victory. I am weak....but He is strong. A lesson I learned long ago.
Still the night is not through with me yet. It has studied me well through the years that I have sat alone in it. Through the silence I hear the voices of friends and family, the most dangerous of foes, those who profess to love you. All questioning my pain as though their doubts make it a lie. Hinting, oh so clearly, if it is real, what have I done for God to turn such wrath on me. This from those who love me, much the same from those who fail to heal me. Perhaps they might better search their own souls, battle their own demons and face their own pain.
Their questions used to shake me. My soul was once ripped open by their pain and all of me flowed out. I lost the me that used to feel, to believe in myself, to overcome. But I never lost His love, I never doubted that He would prevail. I was just ashamed of who I had been and who I had become.
He sat with me in the night and spoke to my spirit until I was sure that it was not a question of blame. He mended my soul and a new me came to live there. Forever changed by the path I had walked alone with Him. I am different now, stronger but not as kind, not as open but much wiser. He has much work to do in me but there is time, and I am willing.
I know now that my infirmities were not a curse, but a blessing. He chose me to suffer or perhaps He just allowed it. A mother does not despise her weak child but tends to it with love and care, the child holds a special place in her heart. So it is with God, He did not rebuke me, He counted my tears, then wiped them with His hand. I came to know Him through my pain. I am His special child, just as you are, as we all are in our own way.
So when the night is long and the shadows come to mingle with my pain, I call out to Him and He who knows me best and loves me most, comes to share with me....my victory.
Deborah Elaine Barrie
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Playing: Meditation for a Quiet Evening
Original Midi Composition by Bruce DeBoer