My Turn To Whine!
Actually, I don't call it whining when we tell our stories, I just wanted to use the word "whine" cause it felt good to say it.
Some folks think that I am Ms. Perfect Health. This isn't the case. I am far improved over the death dance I was doing during most of the 90's due to draconian avoidance measures, but have a very long way to go. It is a wonder that I am still alive. I doubt my body will ever be able to repair the end-organ damage as a result of chronic and acute exposures and there is no treatment protocol that can help.
I am not one to dwell about daily health complaints, maybe because I have been dealing with the health consequences of environmental toxins since 1971 and bitching gets old. So, I usually go into action of some kind. But today I just want to "whine". But you can bet this anger will be directed against those who stand in opposition to us.
I do what I have to do to stay alive--BUT--last night I just got so ticked and I want to tell you the story, which was probably precipitated by the threats of lawsuits this week by the "low-lifes" that stand in opposition to our getting health care, working, attending church, school, having relationships, taking part in our own lives and being able to breathe without suffering (BTW idle threats of lawsuits are really considered harassment and whoever makes those unfounded threats should be so informed---if they persist, then action should be taken against them).
Also, when I mentioned about people not using their real names on the list, I wasn't talking about those who are fellow sufferers, I was talking about the infiltrators who are not welcome on this list and gain access by hiding who they really are. This list is for those who suffer from a group of chronic illnesses and those who advocate for their health rights, not those who oppose them. By joining, they are in violation of the rules--which is dishonourable--but we can expect no more from them.
I hold responsible those who have knowingly stood in our way, and use their NOTDOC status to write against those of us who suffer. What they are doing is criminal, unethical, sociopathic behaviour, unjust and an abomination. I have written an indictment against them and may post it later.
None of us brought this suffering on ourselves--why in the world would we, nor have we been talked into believing this "disorder". Most of us have NEVER been to a clinical ecologist. The real crux of the matter is that "conventional/traditional" medicos are threatened by the emerging interest in "alternative" medicine, and we, the sufferers are caught in their "professional" battle. First Do No Harm is a spurious oath to some. That is not to say that all alternative medicine is valid either. Some of it is just as bad as the bad areas of traditional medicine. We shouldn't have blind faith in anything--we need to educate ourselves. We are being maligned and discriminated against in Holocaust-fashion by the naysayers--and they are just as despicable as those who ran other Holocausts over time. MAXI-CREEPS!
Many of us live lives that are incomprehensible to most people and in my case I have even forgotten how most people live. I try to remind myself it is just what I have to do to not get exposed and suffer---but it is unjust and sometimes it is hard to keep a stiff upper lip. So here is my story.
I do not have the money to build a safe house because I have not been able to engage in gainful employment for a very long time. Moving to the mountains and out of Texas saved my life, such as it is. In the last 18 months, three attempts to work in the "world" have saddled me with many months of suffering and major health declines. I am not on any form of disability and am surviving only because of a friend who is my roommate. I have been homeless.
This week I went into town and to the post office to pick up pin orders---my car has been spewing sulfur even after the exhaust system has been replaced and I am told this is "normal"---it isn't!! Just being in the car makes me sicker and my lungs flood, to say nothing of the cardiac complications---someone told me to trade it in--what a joke---and I wonder how the payments would get made.
I had to force myself to not sit down in the store and just not move. But I knew that would make my body crash even worse. I felt as though I were walking through hip deep wet cement and my legs and arms felt like lead weights. At least my cognitive skills remain in tact.
I got home and started to feel a bit better, but we had had a rain. I couldn't just flop down in the bed in the house cause by morning I would be in worse shape. Because this house isn't safe for me, even with all the windows open---I am sleeping in a thread bare tent, even with a tarp over it, the sudden rainstorm flooded the tent. So that meant that I had to clean out the tent with arms and legs of "lead", reinflate the air mattress that has refused to hold air AGAIN (and I can't find the leak), carry the blankets and pillows with no energy into the house and wash and dry them and then carry them back outside. I just wanted to lay on the ground and forget about it all.
Get a new mattress and tent I was told--HA again--first they cost money which I don't have and second, the ones I have are outgassed and new ones would be as toxic as this house. A safe cotton mattress is out of the question financially and my damaged bones must have some cushioning.
While I was doing this I had to keep reminding myself it is just what I have to do to survive and then I just got so sad, I wanted to scream. Why should a woman my age be having to do all of this just to stay alive. No one should have to live like this today. It should be my choice to go "camping" and not a matter of health or sickness.
The things we have to do to survive is like engaging in a battle field or prison life-we are relegated to isolation--or "lock-up" as they say unless we want to suffer as I did today. I watched a show on criminals in AZ the other night, and it was considered a human rights violation by many that those criminals were sleeping in tents in the AZ desert. But, it seems to be just fine that WE--law abiding citizens who have done nothing wrong-- sleep in cars or in tents or live in mini-trailers.
Nancy Noreen, an MCSer, who lived in Rio Rancho, NM went out to the Mesa to get away from Intel pollution which invaded her home area. She was brutally murdered and the perpetrator moved into her house. Her neighbors really never knew the difference because they hardly knew her. The killer's trial just came up and he was convicted (he will now get great medical care and free food BTW and not live in a tent). But the word really wasn't spread around about WHY Nancy felt compelled to head to the Mesa, even in our community. When I told my mother/sister, they changed the subject. In an attempt to keep from getting more ill, she was killed. We lost an activist when we lost her. Sometime ago her clothing was offered to the local MCSers---they ranged in sizes from 3 to 18---and they call this an invisible illness.
I could consider myself lucky that I can actually go out of the house and sleep in the woods--but that is like saying it is better that I got shot in the arm than in the leg. We have to accept such a low level of existence just to keep from getting harmed. This is abuse and abandonment and a major human rights violation and actually an outright attack on us, personally.
Those who stand in opposition to the fact that poisons are poison, and toxins are toxic are major contributors to our health issues. They must be held accountable.
Many things came out of the activism of the 60's---one thing is that it is no longer "appropriate" to complain against the powers that be--in fact, workers have to get permission to strike against employers. The tail is wagging this dog.
Those who fight against injustice are threatened by those who perpetrate that very injustice. Freedom is fought for on the battlefield--but that fight does not end--it must continue at home. We will all die waiting for a celebrity to take over our cause. WE must fight for our own rights.
I may go down, but I will go down standing up!
Paula Vaughan Art Sets
Playing: Glass Walls
Original Midi Composition by Bruce DeBoer