LeFantome's Funnies
Caution: Adult Humor for Adults
I'm
Glad I'm A Man
Top 10 things WOMEN would do if they woke up and
had a penis for a day:
10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the
meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a
urinal about sports, cars and money.
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of
a surging
orgasm.
4. Touch/shift yourself in public without thought to
how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if
it feels as
funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light
refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the
ruler situated next to his member which causes two
inches to be added to the final measurement.
1. Repeat number 9.
===
Top 10 things MEN would do if they woke up and had a
vagina for a day:
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and
cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand held mirror for an hour and a
half.
8. See if they could finally do a split.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong
ball 20
feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes...
BEFORE
closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be
ready for more
without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask
to have it
recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts,
too.
1. Finally find that damned G
spot!------------------------------------------
STUFF
Actually
this is just a place for my stuff, ya know? That's
all, a little place for my stuff. That's all I want,
that's all you need in life, is a little place for
your stuff, ya know? I can see it on your table,
everybody's got a little place for their stuff. This
is my stuff, that's your stuff, that'll be his stuff
over there. That's all you need in life, a little
place for your stuff. That's all your house is: a
place to keep your stuff. If you didn't have so much
stuff, you wouldn't need a house. You could just walk
around all the time. A house is just a pile of stuff
with a cover on it. You can see that when you're
taking off in an airplane. You look down, you see
everybody's got a little pile of stuff. All the
little piles of stuff. And when you leave your house,
you gotta lock it up. Wouldn't want somebody to come
by and take some of your stuff. They always take the
good stuff. They never bother with that crap you're
saving. All they want is the shiny stuff. That's what
your house is, a place to keep your stuff while you
go out and get...more stuff! Sometimes you gotta
move, gotta get a bigger house. Why? No room for your
stuff anymore. Did you ever notice when you go to
somebody else's house, you never quite feel a hundred
percent at home? You know why? No room for your
stuff. Somebody else's stuff is all over the goddamn
place! And if you stay overnight, unexpectedly, they
give you a little bedroom to sleep in. Bedroom they
haven't used in about eleven years. Someone died in
it, eleven years ago. And they haven't moved any of
his stuff! Right next to the bed there's usually a
dresser or a bureau of some kind, and there's NO ROOM
for your stuff on it. Somebody else's shit is on the
dresser. Have you noticed that their stuff is shit
and your shit is stuff? God! And you say, "Get that
shit offa there and let me put my stuff down!"
Sometimes you leave your house to go on vacation. And
you gotta take some of your stuff with you. Gotta
take about two big suitcases full of stuff, when you
go on vacation. You gotta take a smaller version of
your house. It's the second version of your stuff.
And you're gonna fly all the way to Honolulu. Gonna
go across the continent, across half an ocean to
Honolulu. You get down to the hotel room in Honolulu
and you open up your suitcase and you put away all
your stuff. "Here's a place here, put a little bit of
stuff there, put some stuff here, put some stuff--you
put your stuff there, I'll put some stuff--here's
another place for stuff, look at this, I'll put some
stuff here..." And even though you're far away from
home, you start to get used to it, you start to feel
okay, because after all, you do have some of your
stuff with you. That's when your friend calls up from
Maui, and says, "Hey, why don'tchya come over to Maui
for the weekend and spend a couple of nights over
here." Oh, no! Now what do I pack? Right, you've
gotta pack an even SMALLER version of your stuff. The
third version of your house. Just enough stuff to
take to Maui for a coupla days. You get over to
Maui--I mean you're really getting extended now, when
you think about it. You got stuff ALL the way back on
the mainland, you got stuff on another island, you
got stuff on this island. I mean, supply lines are
getting longer and harder to maintain. You get over
to your friend's house on Maui and he gives you a
little place to sleep, a little bed right next to his
windowsill or something. You put some of your stuff
up there. You put your stuff up there. You got your
Visine, you got your nail clippers, and you put
everything up. It takes about an hour and a half, but
after a while you finally feel okay, say, "All right,
I got my nail clippers, I must be okay." That's when
your friend says, "Aaaaay, I think tonight we'll go
over the other side of the island, visit a pal of
mine and maybe stay over." Aww, no. NOW what do you
pack? Right--you gotta pack an even SMALLER version
of your stuff. The fourth version of your house. Only
the stuff you know you're gonna need. Money, keys,
comb, wallet, lighter, hanky, pen, smokes, rubber and
change. Well, only the stuff you HOPE you're gonna
need.
:-------------------
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a beer
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This is from a friend and was in a JOke list...Actually good advice too!
1) NOT KISSING FIRST. Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A properly passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.
2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR. Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.
3) NOT SHAVING. You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.
4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST. Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.
5) BITING HER NIPPLES. Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a doggie toy isn't.
6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES. Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.
7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY. A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.
8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED. Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.
9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT. Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.
10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS. Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.
11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK. Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.
12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY. Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.
13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY. Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.
14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA. Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.
15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY. You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.
16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY. Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.
17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST. A man in socks and underpants is at his worst. Lose the socks fist.
18) GOING TOO FAST. When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel lie an assembly line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.
19) GOING TOO HARD. If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.
20) COMING TOO SOON. Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.
21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH. It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.
22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME. You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask
23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY. Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.
24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN. Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to- penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.
25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX. Sperm tastes like sea water mixedwith egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary.
26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO. Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head.
27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES. In X- rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.
28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES. Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.
29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse.
30) TAKING PICTURES. When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words "__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.
31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH. Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.
32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS. There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.
33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES. If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.
34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE. Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don't.
35) GIVING LOVE BITES. It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.
36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS. Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.
37) TALKING DIRTY. It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know.
38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES. You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.
39) SQUASHING HER. Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.
40) THANKING HER. Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.
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THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE
AGE DRINK
17 beer
25 beer
35 vodka
48 double vodka
66 Maalox
SEDUCTION LINE
17 My parents are away for the weekend.
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48 My wife is away for the weekend.
66 My second wife is dead.
FAVORITE SPORT
17 sex
25 sex
35 sex
48 sex
66 napping
DRUG
17 pot
25 coke
35 really good coke
48 power
66 coke, a limousine, the company jet
DEFINITION OF A
SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "tongue"
25 "breakfast"
35 "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66 "Got home alive."
FAVORITE FANTASY
17 getting to third
25 airplane sex
35 menage a trois
48 taking the company public
66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave
HOUSE PET
17 roaches
25 stoned-out college roommate
35 Irish setter
48 children from his first marriage
66 Barbi
WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO
GET MARRIED?
17 25
25 35
35 48
48 66
66 17
IDEAL DATE
17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 "Split the check before we go back to my place"
35 "Just come over."
48 "Just come over and cook."
66 sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.
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THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE
AGE DRINK
17 Wine Coolers
25 White wine
35 Red wine
48 Dom Perignon
66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser
EXCUSES FOR
REFUSING DATES
17 Need to wash my hair
25 Need to wash and condition my hair
35 Need to color my hair
48 Need to have Francois color my hair
66 Need to have Francois color my wig
FAVORITE SPORT
17 shopping
25 shopping
35 shopping
48 shopping
66 shopping
DRUG
17 shopping
25 shopping
35 shopping
48 shopping
66 shopping
DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "Burger King"
25 "Free meal"
35 "A diamond"
48 "A bigger diamond"
66 "Home Alone"
FAVORITE
FANTASY
17 tall, dark and handsome
25 tall, dark and handsome with money
35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 a man with hair
66 a man
HOUSE PET
17 Muffy the cat
25 Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35 Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
48 Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66 Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the Cat
WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 17
25 25
35 35
48 48
66 66
IDEAL DATE
17 He offers to pay
25 He pays
35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 He can chew breakfast>>
© 1997