LeFantome's Funnies
Caution: Adult Humor for Adults
I'm Glad I'm A Woman/I'm Glad I'm A Man
I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions
I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt
my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut
and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch
or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind
I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind!
I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand
stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see
you can forget all about that old penis envy
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for
chicks join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my
dick
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!
I'm
Glad I'm A Man
I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage
cheese
I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my
breasts
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or
west
I don't get wasted after only 2 beers
and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.
I won't spend hours deciding what to wear,
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair
and I don't go around checking my reflection
direction.
I don't whine in public and make us leave early
and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.
I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back
I don't carry our differences into the sack.
I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.
I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too
I know what the time is and I know what to do.
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two balls and stand when I pee
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball
It's more fun than dealing with women after all
I won't cry if you figure out it's not going to work
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.
Yes, I'm glad I'm a man, a man you see
I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery
I don't get all bitchy every 28 days
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise
I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!
----------------------------------------------
Cyber-Sex
Online computer users often engage in what is
affectionately known as "cybersex". Often the
fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through
Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as
you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the
following transcript of an online chat doesn't seem
to quite get the point of cyber sex. Then again,
maybe he does...
: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a
miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm
toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What
do you look like?
Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear
glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I
just bought from Walmart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt
with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from
dinner...it smells funny.
Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to
screw me?
Wellhung: OK
Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's
soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling.
My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins
to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
Wellhung: I'm gulping,
I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and
kissing your chest.
Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My
hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.
<Wellhung: I'm taking
hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in
pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and
accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.
Wellhung: I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm
wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breathe harder and harder.
Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra.
I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it
softly. I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are
erect for you.
Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the
bra and inspecting the clasp.
Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby.
I just want to feel your tongue all over me.
Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking
your, you know, breasts. They're neat!
Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through
your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.
Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are
covered with spit and phlegm.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my
breasts with the remains of my blouse.
Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from
you. I drop it with a plop.
Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat
pants down and rubbing your hard tool.
Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands
are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt.
Take off my panties.
Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue
is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm...
wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What's the matter?
Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my
throat. I'm choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?
Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning
all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?
Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking
wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of
the sink.
Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There,
that's better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for
you.
Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it
back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the
bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the
bedroom?
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the
end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants.
I'm moaning. I want you so badly.
Wellhung: Me too.
Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you
passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.
Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my
face. It hurts.
Sweetheart Why don't you take off your
glasses?
Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without
them. I place the glasses on the night table.
Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give
it to me, baby!
Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way
blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm
feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your
return.
Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for
the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What's the matter now?
Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your
laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the
bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my... you know
...thing...in your... you know... woman's thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels
so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little
trouble here.
Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and
forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in!
Screw me now!
Wellhung: I'm flaccid.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning
around; an incredulous look on my face.
Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my
face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting
dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.
Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to
find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser,
knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and
your candles.
Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now
I'm putting on my shoes.
Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them
on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The
curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked
look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off,
you loser!
Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!
-------------------
------------------------------
The Perfect Day for
Her:
8:15 Wakeup to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh in 5lbs lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice
and croissants
9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny
personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo and comb out
12:00 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriends wife, she has gained 30
lbs
1:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit
3:00 Nap
4:00 3 dozens roses delivered by florist, card is
from secret admirer
4:15 Light workout at club, followed by gentle
massage
5:30 Pick out outfit for dinner, primp before the
mirror
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing
10:00 Hot shower (alone)
10:30 Make love
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms
=================================================
The Perfect Day for Him:
6:00 Alarm
6:15 Blowjob
6:30 Massive dump while reading sports section of USA
Today
7:00 Breakfast, Filet mignon and eggs, toast and
coffee
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Stoli Bloody Mary enroute to airport
8:15 DFW - Private G4 to Augusta, Georgia (Coffee, SI
and WSJ)
9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club
9:45 Front nine at Augusta (2 under)
11:45 Lunch, 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, 3
Heinekens
12:15 Blowjob
12:30 Back nine Augusta (4 under)
1:15 Limo back to airport (Bombay martini)
2:30 Private G4, Augusta to Nassau, Bahamas (nap)
3:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female
(topless) crew
4:30 Land World Record light tackle Marlin (1249 lbs)
5:00 G4 back to DFW, massage & hand job enroute by
naked Kathy Ireland
6:45 Shit, shower and shave
7:00 Watch CNN newsflash: Clinton resigns, Hillary
and Al Gore farm
animal sex video released and authenticated.
(Hillary has a
secret mole, Al looks real cold.)
7:30 Dinner, Lobster appetizers, Dom Perigon (1963),
20 oz. New York Steak
9:00 Remy Martin and Cuban Partagas cigar
9:30 Sex with three women
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi
11:45 Bed (alone)
11:50 12-second, 4-note fart, dog leaves the room
11:55 Sleep
------------------
------------------------
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS IN THE 90s
(How to not get in trouble)
Please have the following INJECTION CERTIFICATE
notarized (Male version in the future)
This is to certify that I, _________, the
undersigned,
being a female about to enjoy sexual relations with
Mr.__________, am above the age of legal consent, in
my right mind, and in possession of a sound body
certify the following, to wit:
1. I am not under the influence of any narcotics,
liquor, or other substance that might impair my
senses during the act of coitus.
2. The gentleman in question will not have to use
force, threats or promises of any kind to induce me,
as I will assume all the necessary positions with a
clear mind and of my own free will.
3. I don't give a damn about his marital status: I
will capitulate.
4. I have no fear of him and will not bite, kick
fight, scratch or use any other force to ward him off
(unless, of course he desires it).
5. I am not asleep or drunk and am entering into this
act, because I love it as much as he does -- or will.
6. I assume all responsibilities for damage to any
bed sheets, torn pillow cases, broken bed springs,
and any other articles that may become damaged as the
result of pleasurable use.
7. I will not cry, grunt, or scream so loud that
everyone in the neighborhood will hear me.
8. I expect during intercourse to be bounced around,
that is to receive all that is coming to me; to stand
or lie in any position that he may deem necessary for
the betterment of the sexual connection; to sit,
squeeze, pull, tighten, or loosen any thing he
determines to be important and beneficial to a better
relationship with him. 9. I will never under any
circumstances appear as a witness against him or
prosecute him in any way as the result of the
culmination of this sexual intercourse.
Signed before going to bed this ___ day, ____,
19____.
NAME:____________; ADDRES____________
PHONE:__________
Personally appeared before me ____________________
who
swears and affirms that the above is her signature,
given this day freely and without purpose of evasion
or mental reservation.
____________________________
Notary Public
Nervous New Priest
The new priest was so nervous at his first mass, that
he could hardly speak.
Before his second appearance in the pulpit, he asked
the monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said
"next Sunday it may help you if you put some vodka in
the water picture and after a few sips everything
will go smoothly."
The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion
into action and was able to talk up a storm! He felt
great! However, upon returning to the rectory he
found a note from the Monsignor:
1. Next time sip rather than gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
5. The recommended grace before a meal is not
Rub-a-Dub -Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God!"
6. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s**t out
of him.
7. Do not refer to our Savior Jesus and the Apostles,
as "J.C. and the boys."
8. The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are NEVER referred
to as "Big Daddy, Junior and the spook."
9. It is always the "Virgin Mary" never "Mary with a
Cherry."
10. Last, but not least, next week there will be a
taffy pulling contest at St. Peters, not a peter
pulling contest at St. Taffies.
11. We don't refer to Judas as "El Finko."
12. Moses parted the water at the Red Sea, he didn't
pass water.
13. The Pope is consecrated not castrated and we
don't call him "Godfather."
14. When Jesus broke bread at the Last Syupper he
said, "Take this. Eat it, for it is my body." He
didn't say, "Eat me."
15. David was hit by a rock and knocked off his
donkey, he wasn't "stoned off his ass."
The real meaning behind the abbreviations in personal
adds
FIRST THE WOMEN
40-ish.................. 48
Athletic................ Flat-chested
Average looking......... Ugly
Beautiful............... Pathological liar
Educated................ College dropout
Emotionally Secure...... Medicated
Feminist................ Fat; ball buster
Free spirit............. Substance user
Fun..................... Annoying
Gentle.................. Comatose
Good Listener........... Borderline Autistic
New-Age................. All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned........... Lights out, missionary
position only
Open-minded............. Desperate
Outgoing................ Loud
Passionate.............. Loud
Poet.................... Depressive Schzophrenic
Professional............ Real Witch
Redhead................. Shops the Clairol section
Reubenesque............. Grossly Fat
Romantic................ Looks better by candle light
Voluptuous.............. Very Fat
Weight proportional to height..................Hugely
Fat Wants Soulmate.......... One step away from
stalking Widow................... Nagged first
husband to death Young at heart.......... Toothless
crone
THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST
40-ish.................. 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic................ Sits on the couch and
watches ESPN
Average looking......... Unusual hair growth on ears,
nose, & back
Educated................ Will always treat you like
an idiot
Fun..................... Good with a remote and a six
pack
Good looking............ Arrogant
Honest.................. Pathological Liar
Huggable................ Overweight, more body hair
than a bear
Like to cuddle.......... Insecure, overly dependent
Mature.................. Until you get to know him
Open-minded............. Wants to sleep with your
sister but she's not interested
Physically fit.......... I spend a lot of time in
front of miror admiring myself
Poet.................... Has written on a bathroom
stall
Spiritual............... Once went to church with his
grandmother, on Easter Sunday.
Stable.................. Occasional stalker, but
never arrested
Thoughtful.............. Says "Please" when demanding
a beer
THE SECRET OF ANTIGRAVITY...
---------------------
If you drop a buttered piece of bread, it will fall
on the floor butter-side down. If a cat is dropped
from a window or other high and towering place, it
will land on its feet.
But what if you attach a buttered piece of bread,
butter-side up to a cat's back and toss them both out
the window? Will the cat land on its feet? Or will
the butter splat on the ground?
-----------------------------------------------
Even if you are too lazy to do the
experiment yourself you should be able to deduce the
obvious result. The laws of butterology demand that
the butter must hit the ground, and the equally
strict laws of feline aerodynamics demand that the
cat can not smash its furry back. If the combined
construct were to land, nature would have no way to
resolve this paradox. Therefore it simply does not
fall.
That's right you clever mortal (well, as clever as a
mortal can get), you have discovered the secret of
antigravity! A buttered cat will, when released,
quickly move to a height where the forces of
cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium.
This equilibrium point can be modified by scraping
off some of the butter, providing lift, or removing
some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent.
Most of the civilized species of the Universe already
use this principal