"I saw an article in a national magazine
that said the Beatles were the most important rock group of the last 25
years. The Beatles? Better than us? No way! We're much bigger than
they ever were...Lennie alone is much bigger than they ever were. And
we're better lookin' too - you gonna tell me that Paul 'Yesterday-
breath' McCartney is cuter than me? Ridiculous! And another thing,
The Beatles never had a high quality TV show like us, neither. You
know, we invited those four flash-in-the-pans to come down to the
studio for a combination sing-off and fight, and wouldn't you know
it...they punked out. And a good thing, because it would have been
Strawberry Fields Forever for them. But who knows, they might show up
any minute, so stay tuned.."
JOHNNY (harassed by cop while at drive-in with Ginger): What are you
botherin' us for? We aren't doing anything.
"And now, a poysonal message to our ex-friend John Travolta. When that
picture Grease was being made, John begged us to do a cameo
appearance. Although in all honesty, we all know that me, not John,
should have been the star of that picture, right guys? And with us in
the picture, it grossed 200 million dollars. We did not, however,
appear in John's next movie, which was called Moment by Moment,
and which grossed nothing by nothing. Hey John, I know you're
watching. Just remember, you're nothin' without us."
"When I sing a sad song, everybody cries. Of course, they cry when I
sing a happy song too..."
"I would like to give a short rebuttal to those various critics who
have taken their time to insult us derogatorally. To those of youse
who say 'rotten,' I answer 'phooey." To those of youse who
say 'stink,' I rebut with 'horsefeathers.' To those of youse who
say 'ridiculous,' I respond with 'poo-poo' - or if they won't let me
say that, 'hogwash.' And to those of youse who say 'terrific,
marvelous,' I say... 'Thanks mom, I love ya!'"
"I'm more than just a pretty face and a fantastic bod...I also sing
like a boid..."
MILTON BERLE (teaching the guys how to tell a joke): Alright now, who's
next? This young fellow, come here please, dressed very very lovely,
very very sweet. (Johnny walks on, Milton offers him his cigar) Puff?
* * *
"You know, it's not easy being a singing idol. Since we got this TV
show, it's been tough. We've had to give up a lot of things. We had
to give up our privacy. We had to give up our leisure time. But the
toughest thing of all to give up was our unemployment checks..."
JOHNNY: Do you ever kiss on the first date?
JOHNNY (in car with Ginger): C'mon, how about a kiss?
* * *
JOHNNY (as Romeo, climbing up to Juliet's balcony): Hey Juliet, my
love, it is I, your own Romeo, coming in the night to keep my plan to
tryst with youse. I have been thinking about our moment together all
through the day. I could hardly keep my mind on my work for longing
for youse tonight. And now, the evening has finally arrived, and I am
to be with you at last...
JOHNNY: Isn't this romantic, a picnic on the rooftop!
"Did youse know it's a scientific fact that it takes more muscles to
frown than it does to smile? That's why our jokes have been
recommended by the President's Council on Physical Fitness, which has
determined that one of our jokes is equal to 20 pushups or jogging half
a mile."
* * *
GINGER: You see, Johnny, I have this theory. I believe everybody
should have somebody to love, and somebody to care for, and somebody to
feel extra special about.
* * *
"As youse know, we guys are very popular and we're on the road a lot,
and we don't get much of a chance to answer the mail. So I'd like to
take this chance to answer the letters that are piling up. To Sally of
Milwaukee, Brenda of Poughkeepsie, and Wanda of Dallas: Yes. You bet.
And Sure. To Blanche, Raquel, Jane and Myrna: I'm sure it's just a
bank error, and my accounting clinic is looking into it. And to Nicole
de Francais of French Talking: I ain't paying for them lessons, so 'bon
soir-ay.' Now that I've answered the mail, on with the show."
* * *
JOHNNY (looking in car mirror): Great chin. Fabulous teeth.
Beautiful nose.
* * *
JOHNNY: If you say you love me, I'll give you everything I own.
* * *
"As youse recall, about two years ago, we asked all of youse out there
to write in and tell us who your favorite Sha Na Na is. Well, we have
tabulated the more than 200 ballots you've sent in, and tonight we're
prepared to announce the winner. Unfortunately, however, we don't have
a winner, on account of none of us got any votes. Terry Bradshaw got
the most votes. The Golden Gate Bridge came in second. Tiny Tim got
more votes than us, and we sing almost as good as he does. So
poysonally, I suspect fraud in the vote counting. Why else is there no
record of the more than 20,000 votes for me that I poysonally forged?
And while youse ponder that, let's get on with the show..."
* * *
JOHNNY (in car with Ginger, kissing her): How was I?
* * *
GINGER (in car with Johnny): I had a great time tonight, I never knew
how much fun it was stripping a car!
* * *
COP: Why not? Everybody else is. You should see what's going on in
the car behind you, it's better than the movie!
GINGER (smiling mischievously): Does that give you any ideas, Johnny?
JOHNNY: Yeah, right... I think we should turn around and watch what's
going on back there!
* * *
* * *
* * *
* * *
* * *
JOHNNY (mumbling softly): No, thank you...
MILTON: I can't hear you - what did I tell you before you came on?
JOHNNY: To speak louder.
MILTON: Speak to me.
JOHNNY: Speak...
MILTON: Say 'hello."
JOHNNY: Hello.
MILTON: "Good evening."
JOHNNY: Good evening.
MILTON: Say "How are you, everyone?"
JOHNNY: How are you, everyone?
MILTON: Louder, louder! (slaps Johnny's face) "How are you,
everyone?"
JOHNNY (cracking up): How are you, everyone?
MILTON: Now every time you tell a joke, you've got to sell, you're not
selling the joke. You can't whisper a punch line. Some punch lines
you can, like (mumbles) and throw it away (mumbles). But to tell a
joke properly, see, uh...what's your name?
JOHNNY: Johnny.
MILTON: Johnny...that's the way, "Johnny!" see? (Johnny shifts and
stands proudly) There's no moving... Now to tell a joke properly,
Johnny... Johnny?
JOHNNY: Johnny!
MILTON: Good, now to tell a joke properly, you've got to think of
something funny. Ok, concentrate... are you thinking of something
funny?
JOHNNY: I'm lookin' at your face, ain't I?
* * *
GINGER: Certainly not!
JOHNNY (walks away a few steps and comes right back): Well, here I am
again!
GINGER: Nerd...
* * *
GINGER: No.
JOHNNY: Hey! You kissed Bowzer. You kissed Lennie. You kissed
Chico. You kissed Santini. You kissed Denny. You kissed Screamin'.
You kissed Donny, and you kissed Dirty Dan.
GINGER: You left out Jocko.
JOHNNY: Right, and you kissed Jocko too. Why won't you kiss me?
GINGER: I don't want you to think I'm easy...
COP (watching him): Ain't love grand?
JOHNNY (emerging with TV set and other valuables): Hey, it works every
time!
* * *
GINGER: It sure is!
JOHNNY: Is there anything I can do for you? Can I hold your hand?
Can I touch your hair? Can I kiss and hug you?
GINGER: No, but you can put mustard on my hot dog.
JOHNNY (smiling): And the guys said I wouldn't get to first base...
* * *
JOHNNY: I agree.
GINGER: Do you have somebody you feel that way about?
JOHNNY: Yeah...me!
GINGER: Johnny, can I use the mirror now?
JOHNNY: No problem. Make it fast, though. I was just getting to the
good part...my hair.
GINGER: You're kiddin'!
JOHNNY: I'm not kiddin'. I'll give you my car, and I'll give you my
money. And we'll take a trip. It'll be just you and me, kissing and
hugging all day.
GINGER: I don't want to go.
JOHNNY: Why?
GINGER: Because, if I've got your car and I've got your money, who
needs you?
GINGER: I don't like to judge.
JOHNNY: I gotta know, how was I?
GINGER: OK, if you insist... (snaps fingers, three of the guys pop up
from the back seat with score cards - 1, 2 and a blank one,
respectively). Well, you're getting better!
JOHNNY (softly): Well, if you think that was fun, tell me what you
think of this... (leans in close and kisses her)
GINGER: Honestly, I think I prefer hubcaps.
JOHNNY: I don't know, I never kissed a hubcap.
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