"I saw an article in a national magazine that said the Beatles were the most important rock group of the last 25 years. The Beatles? Better than us? No way! We're much bigger than they ever were...Lennie alone is much bigger than they ever were. And we're better lookin' too - you gonna tell me that Paul 'Yesterday- breath' McCartney is cuter than me? Ridiculous! And another thing, The Beatles never had a high quality TV show like us, neither. You know, we invited those four flash-in-the-pans to come down to the studio for a combination sing-off and fight, and wouldn't you know it...they punked out. And a good thing, because it would have been Strawberry Fields Forever for them. But who knows, they might show up any minute, so stay tuned.."

* * *

JOHNNY (harassed by cop while at drive-in with Ginger): What are you botherin' us for? We aren't doing anything.
COP: Why not? Everybody else is. You should see what's going on in the car behind you, it's better than the movie!
GINGER (smiling mischievously): Does that give you any ideas, Johnny?
JOHNNY: Yeah, right... I think we should turn around and watch what's going on back there!

* * *

"And now, a poysonal message to our ex-friend John Travolta. When that picture Grease was being made, John begged us to do a cameo appearance. Although in all honesty, we all know that me, not John, should have been the star of that picture, right guys? And with us in the picture, it grossed 200 million dollars. We did not, however, appear in John's next movie, which was called Moment by Moment, and which grossed nothing by nothing. Hey John, I know you're watching. Just remember, you're nothin' without us."

* * *

"When I sing a sad song, everybody cries. Of course, they cry when I sing a happy song too..."

* * *

"I would like to give a short rebuttal to those various critics who have taken their time to insult us derogatorally. To those of youse who say 'rotten,' I answer 'phooey." To those of youse who say 'stink,' I rebut with 'horsefeathers.' To those of youse who say 'ridiculous,' I respond with 'poo-poo' - or if they won't let me say that, 'hogwash.' And to those of youse who say 'terrific, marvelous,' I say... 'Thanks mom, I love ya!'"

* * *

"I'm more than just a pretty face and a fantastic bod...I also sing like a boid..."

* * *

MILTON BERLE (teaching the guys how to tell a joke): Alright now, who's next? This young fellow, come here please, dressed very very lovely, very very sweet. (Johnny walks on, Milton offers him his cigar) Puff?
JOHNNY (mumbling softly): No, thank you...
MILTON: I can't hear you - what did I tell you before you came on?
JOHNNY: To speak louder.
MILTON: Speak to me.
JOHNNY: Speak...
MILTON: Say 'hello."
JOHNNY: Hello.
MILTON: "Good evening."
JOHNNY: Good evening.
MILTON: Say "How are you, everyone?"
JOHNNY: How are you, everyone?
MILTON: Louder, louder! (slaps Johnny's face) "How are you, everyone?"
JOHNNY (cracking up): How are you, everyone?
MILTON: Now every time you tell a joke, you've got to sell, you're not selling the joke. You can't whisper a punch line. Some punch lines you can, like (mumbles) and throw it away (mumbles). But to tell a joke properly, see, uh...what's your name?
JOHNNY: Johnny.
MILTON: Johnny...that's the way, "Johnny!" see? (Johnny shifts and stands proudly) There's no moving... Now to tell a joke properly, Johnny... Johnny?
JOHNNY: Johnny!
MILTON: Good, now to tell a joke properly, you've got to think of something funny. Ok, concentrate... are you thinking of something funny?
JOHNNY: I'm lookin' at your face, ain't I?

* * *

"You know, it's not easy being a singing idol. Since we got this TV show, it's been tough. We've had to give up a lot of things. We had to give up our privacy. We had to give up our leisure time. But the toughest thing of all to give up was our unemployment checks..."

* * *

JOHNNY: Do you ever kiss on the first date?
GINGER: Certainly not!
JOHNNY (walks away a few steps and comes right back): Well, here I am again!
GINGER: Nerd...
(Excuse me, Ginger, but you just turned down a kiss from Johnny...now *who* exactly is the nerd here? : )

* * *

JOHNNY (in car with Ginger): C'mon, how about a kiss?
GINGER: No.
JOHNNY: Hey! You kissed Bowzer. You kissed Lennie. You kissed Chico. You kissed Santini. You kissed Denny. You kissed Screamin'. You kissed Donny, and you kissed Dirty Dan.
GINGER: You left out Jocko.
JOHNNY: Right, and you kissed Jocko too. Why won't you kiss me?
GINGER: I don't want you to think I'm easy...
(No, you're not easy, Ginger. Just stupid... : )

* * *

JOHNNY (as Romeo, climbing up to Juliet's balcony): Hey Juliet, my love, it is I, your own Romeo, coming in the night to keep my plan to tryst with youse. I have been thinking about our moment together all through the day. I could hardly keep my mind on my work for longing for youse tonight. And now, the evening has finally arrived, and I am to be with you at last...
COP (watching him): Ain't love grand?
JOHNNY (emerging with TV set and other valuables): Hey, it works every time!

* * *

JOHNNY: Isn't this romantic, a picnic on the rooftop!
GINGER: It sure is!
JOHNNY: Is there anything I can do for you? Can I hold your hand? Can I touch your hair? Can I kiss and hug you?
GINGER: No, but you can put mustard on my hot dog.
JOHNNY (smiling): And the guys said I wouldn't get to first base...

* * *

"Did youse know it's a scientific fact that it takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile? That's why our jokes have been recommended by the President's Council on Physical Fitness, which has determined that one of our jokes is equal to 20 pushups or jogging half a mile."

* * *

GINGER: You see, Johnny, I have this theory. I believe everybody should have somebody to love, and somebody to care for, and somebody to feel extra special about.
JOHNNY: I agree.
GINGER: Do you have somebody you feel that way about?
JOHNNY: Yeah...me!

* * *

"As youse know, we guys are very popular and we're on the road a lot, and we don't get much of a chance to answer the mail. So I'd like to take this chance to answer the letters that are piling up. To Sally of Milwaukee, Brenda of Poughkeepsie, and Wanda of Dallas: Yes. You bet. And Sure. To Blanche, Raquel, Jane and Myrna: I'm sure it's just a bank error, and my accounting clinic is looking into it. And to Nicole de Francais of French Talking: I ain't paying for them lessons, so 'bon soir-ay.' Now that I've answered the mail, on with the show."

* * *

JOHNNY (looking in car mirror): Great chin. Fabulous teeth. Beautiful nose.
GINGER: Johnny, can I use the mirror now?
JOHNNY: No problem. Make it fast, though. I was just getting to the good part...my hair.

* * *

JOHNNY: If you say you love me, I'll give you everything I own.
GINGER: You're kiddin'!
JOHNNY: I'm not kiddin'. I'll give you my car, and I'll give you my money. And we'll take a trip. It'll be just you and me, kissing and hugging all day.
GINGER: I don't want to go.
JOHNNY: Why?
GINGER: Because, if I've got your car and I've got your money, who needs you?
(And they say Donny's the slow one... : )

* * *

"As youse recall, about two years ago, we asked all of youse out there to write in and tell us who your favorite Sha Na Na is. Well, we have tabulated the more than 200 ballots you've sent in, and tonight we're prepared to announce the winner. Unfortunately, however, we don't have a winner, on account of none of us got any votes. Terry Bradshaw got the most votes. The Golden Gate Bridge came in second. Tiny Tim got more votes than us, and we sing almost as good as he does. So poysonally, I suspect fraud in the vote counting. Why else is there no record of the more than 20,000 votes for me that I poysonally forged? And while youse ponder that, let's get on with the show..."

* * *

JOHNNY (in car with Ginger, kissing her): How was I?
GINGER: I don't like to judge.
JOHNNY: I gotta know, how was I?
GINGER: OK, if you insist... (snaps fingers, three of the guys pop up from the back seat with score cards - 1, 2 and a blank one, respectively). Well, you're getting better!

* * *

GINGER (in car with Johnny): I had a great time tonight, I never knew how much fun it was stripping a car!
JOHNNY (softly): Well, if you think that was fun, tell me what you think of this... (leans in close and kisses her)
GINGER: Honestly, I think I prefer hubcaps.
JOHNNY: I don't know, I never kissed a hubcap.

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