Below is a transcript of the Sha Na Na "Carmen" spoof, which seems to be a popular favorite amongst diehard SNN fans. It's a hilarious, fun comedy routine, one of my favorites - so here 'tis!

CAST OF CHARACTERS

Carmen - June Gable
Don Jose - Johnny
Bowzermillio - Bowzer
Mickey - Pamela Myers
Carmen's mother - Jane Dulo
Bull - Lennie
Narrator - Santini

NARRATOR: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, this is your opera commentator, Milton J.Santini, coming to you directly from his private box at the Sha Na Na-pera House, where tonight, we are presenting George Bizet's immortal "Carmen." At the end of the overture,we shall hear the opening chorus, wherein the principal characters give their names, ranks and serial numbers...

(music begins)

COMPANY:
"Our story's in sunny Spain,
Where they are, they have no rain.
This is where the play occurs.
Here's the cast of characters.
Ladies and gents, ladies and gents,
Now the opera will commence."

CARMEN:
"My name's Carmen,
I say 'si, si,'
And this here opera's
Named after me."

CARMEN'S MOTHER:
"And I'm her mother,
And if I frown,
It's 'cause I think
She should settle down."

MICKEY:
"And I am Mickey,
The girl next door.
Carmen stole the boy
That I adore."

DON JOSE:
"Well, I'm that fella,
My name's Jose,
And Carmen stole my heart away."

BOWZERMILLIO:
"And I am Bowzermillio,
There ain't no bull in Spain
That I can't throw."

BULL:
"And I'm the bull,
I'll tell you guys,
Ol' skinny's gonna get a
Big surprise."

COMPANY:
"And there you are,
The stage is set.
For all the drama you're about to see.
So there you are,
And now you've met
The leading figures in our tragedy."

CARMEN'S MOTHER: Hello Carmen.

CARMEN: Hiya!

CARMEN'S MOTHER: So what's new? Since you got your own place, I don't see you anymore. I'm your mother, you could at least call me.

CARMEN: I'm bored, bored, bored, bored. Workin' in that cigarette factory is so...boring!

CARMEN'S MOTHER: What's the matter, nobody calls you either?

CARMEN: Oh men, they're so boring! I mean, there's this soldier, and there's this bullfighter, and they keep following me around all the time telling me how wonderful I am. I mean, it's so boring. Ay carumba! Here they come now...

BOWZERMILLIO:
"Lady of Spain, I adore you,
Right from the night I first saw you,
My heart has been yearning for you,
What else could any heart do?"

DON JOSE:
"Lady of Spain, I'm appealing,
Why should my lips be concealing
All that my eyes are revealing?"

TOGETHER:
"Lady of Spain, I love you."

NARRATOR: While Don Jose is singing of his devotion for Carmen, poor little Mickey, his childhood sweetheart, is eating her heart out, which is not particularly recommended by Gourmet Magazine, but is a typical operatic ploy.

MICKEY:
"I can't ignore the boy next door,
I love him more than I can say.
I just adore him, so I can't ignore him,
The boy next door..."

NARRATOR: And now, Carmen, responding to the double serenade of Jose and Bowzermillio, finds herself on the horns of a dilemma.

BULL: I don't see no dilemma.

NARRATOR: Quiet! Bulls should be seen and not heard.

BULL: I don't see no herd, either.

NARRATOR: Quiet!!

CARMEN:
"I'm just a girl who can't say no,
I'm in a terrible fix.
I always say 'c'mon, let's go,'
Just when I ought to say 'nix.'
Now when a fella tries to kiss a girl,
I know she ought to give his face a slap,
But as soon as someone kisses me,
I somehow sorta wanna kiss him back."

DON JOSE:
"Lady of Spain, I'm appealing,
Why should my lips be concealing
All that my eyes are revealing?
Lady of Spain, I love you."

NARRATOR: And now Bowzermillio is in a fit of rage, because the tenor got to sing 16 bars more than he did. He starts to choke him, but ole' - Jose is saved by the bull.

(Bowzermillio sings nonsensical words as the Bull plays the saxophone during the bullfight, and the rest of the company sits and watches and does the hand jive)

CARMEN: Men singin' over me, men fightin' over me, it's so...boring.

NARRATOR: At this point in the opera, we see Carmen's true colors - purple and green with orange polka dots. She reveals herself as the heartless...

CARMEN: Ooooh!

NARRATOR: Selfish...

CARMEN: Ahhhh!

NARRATOR: Coldhearted...

CARMEN: Ohhhhh!

NARRATOR: Cruel...

CARMEN: More, more!

NARRATOR: Insensitive...

CARMEN: Hey you!

NARRATOR: Who, me?

CARMEN: Yeah you! Come on up here and say that!

NARRATOR (joining her onstage): Well?

CARMEN: You're the man I've been waiting for all my life! (sings) "'Cause you've got... personality!"

DON JOSE: "Walk..."

NARRATOR: "Personality!"

MICKEY: "Talk..."

NARRATOR: "Personality!

BULL: "Smile..."

NARRATOR: "Personality!"

BOWZERMILLIO: "Charm..."

NARRATOR: "Personality!"

CARMEN'S MOTHER: "Love..."

NARRATOR: "Personality!"

CARMEN: "Plus you've got a great big heart."

COMPANY:
"So over, and over
I'll be a fool for you.
So over, and over,
What more can I do?"

COMPANY (Finale) "That's the way the opera ends,
Everybody stays good friends.
Nobody killed, nobody dies,
Just a bunch of happy, greasy girls and guys..."

THE END!


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