MARY'S COLLECTION OF GREAT STUFF

< ......."SNOW"......... Dec 8-6:00pm: It started to snow. The first snow of the season and   the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window   watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like   a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic, felt like newlyweds again.   Dec 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering   every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a   more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea   I've ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a   boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon   the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the   driveway, so I got to shovel it again. What a perfect life!   Dec 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment.   My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white   Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have   so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow   again. I don't think that is possible. Bob is such a nice man; I'm   glad he's our neighbor.   Dec 14:Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to   -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath   away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This   is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried every-   thing again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much   shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I   wouldn't huff and puff so.   Dec 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.   Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the   freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the e! lectricity goes   out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all!   Dec 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my fanny on the ice in the   driveway putting down salt. Hurt like the devil. The wife laughed for an   hour, which I think was very cruel.   Dec 17: Still way below freezing, roads are too icy to go anywhere.   Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to   stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to   irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't   admit it to her. God, I hate it when she's right. I can't believe   I'm freezing to death in my own living room!   Dec 20: Electricity is back on, but had another 14" of the confound  stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. That doggone snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said   they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the   only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and   they're out. Might have another shipment in March. Bob says I have   to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's   lying.   Dec 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches   of the white crap fell today, and it is so cold it probably won't melt   until August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to   shovel and then I had to pee. By the time I undressed, and   got dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who   has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's   too busy. I think he is lying.   Dec 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife   wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is   she, nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she   did, but I think she's lying.   Dec 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke my shovel.   Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the so and so who drives that snowplow I'll drag him through the snow by his   ears. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish   shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 mph and throws   snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to   sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy   watching for the that stinkin snowplow.   Dec 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the garbage tonight. Snowed   in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate snow.   The snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over   the head with my shovel.   The wife says I have a bad attitude. I   think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "Its a Wonderful Life" one   more time, I'm going to kill her.   Dec 26: Still snowed in. Why in GODSgreen earth did I ever move here! It was   all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.   Dec 27: Temperature dropped to -50 and the pipes froze.   Dec 28: Warmed up to above -30. Still snowed in. The wife is   driving me crazy!!   Dec 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it   could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard of. How dumb   does he think I am?   Dec 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million   dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother.   9" predicted.   Dec 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. Let's see that white   junk stick now! No more shoveling.   Jan 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep   giving me. Why am I tied to the bed? Charlie

HOPE Do you know what Hope is ? It's magic and it's free It's not in a prescription It's not in an IV. It punctuates our laughter, It sparkles in our tears, It simmers under sorrows, And dissipates our fears. Do you know what Hope is? It's reaching past today, It's dreaming of tomorrow, It's trying a new way. It's Pushing past Impossible It's pounding on the door, It's questioning the Answers, It's always seeking more. It's rumors of a break it's whispers of a cure, A rollercoaster ride Of remedies, unsure. Do you know what Hope is ? It's candy for the soul, It's perfume for the spirit, To share it, makes you Whole. AUTHOR UNKNOWN

HUMOR <> Southern Computer Lingo   1) Hard Drive: Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat   tires and a trailer load of fertilizer   2) Keyboard: Place to hang your truck keys   3) Window: Place in your truck to hang your guns   4) Modem: How you got rid of your dandelions   5) Reboot: What you do when the first pair gets covered with   barnyard stuff   6) Mouse: Soft, fuzzy thing that you stuff in your beer bottle to   get a free case   7) LAN: To borrow, as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me your truck!"   8) Cursor: What some guys do when they get mad at their woman Source: http://www.geocities.com/~chuckleaday/computers.html"CHUCLLEADAY

Top 10 Most Brilliant Marketing Screw Ups 1. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea." 2. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux." 3. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick." 4. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the U.S., with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read. 5. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine. 6. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa). 7. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese. 8. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate." 9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax," depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le", translating into "happiness in the mouth." 10. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant." =========================================

Thought For the Week All the water in the world However hard it tried, Could never, never sink a ship Unless it got inside. All the miseries of this world, Might wear you pretty thin, But they won't hurt you, one least bit Unless you let them in.

Wisdom in a couple of one liners Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm   Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb! A friend sent these one-liners to me and I could relate. When I get depressed I really am upset with myself for things I am unable to control. This makes me angry. Anger is okay but how we vent that anger is quite a different story. When we suffer from depression we are usually angry at ourselves. Which brings me to my other one-liner Mental backup. We need to research our souls at times like these. Ask yourself these questions. Who am I mad at? Why am I upset? What can I do to change this emotion? My answer to questions one is usually myself. I am upset that I am unable to do what I feel I should be capable of doing is usually my answer to number two. What can I do to change this emotion? My answer to that is pray. For I can do nothing to change my outlook on my disease but God can. When we realize that we are being persecuted by a source other than ourselves then we can begin to let go and let God. We can not win this battle against depression but God can. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me! Another great oneliner! XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX     Here's a story that I came across in my Internet travels. I believe it is well worth sharing. A well-known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this $20 bill?"   Hands started going up. He said, I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this. He proceeded to crumple the dollar bill up. He then asked, "Who still wants it?" Still the hands were up in the air. He replied, "What if I do this?" And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. "Now who still wants it?"   Still the hands went into the air. "My friends, you have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20.   Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way.   We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value: dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to God and those who love you. The worth of our lives come not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE." WE ARE ALL GODS CHILDREN!   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Take a moment RIGHT NOW to remind yourself of your worth to others, and how much more you have yet to give..   Things that make you feel really good Falling in love.               Laughing so hard your face hurts.               A hot shower.               No lines at the Super Wal-Mart.               A special glance.               Getting mail.               Taking a drive on a pretty road.               Hearing your favorite song on the radio.               Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.               Hot towels out of the dryer.               Finding the sweater you want is on sale for half price.               Chocolate milkshake. (or vanilla!)               A long distance phone call.               A bubble bath.               Giggling.               A good conversation.               The beach.               Finding a $20 bill in your coat from last winter.               Laughing at yourself.               Midnight phone calls that last for hours.               Running through sprinklers.               Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.               Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.               Laughing at an inside joke.               Friends.               Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.               Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.               Your first kiss.               Making new friends or spending time with old ones.               Playing with a new puppy.               Having someone play with your hair.               Sweet dreams.               Hot chocolate.               Swinging on swings.               Wrapping presents under the Christmas tree while eating cookies  and drinking eggnog.               Song lyrics printed inside your new CD so you can sing along  without feeling stupid.               Going to a really good concert.               Making eye contact with a cute stranger.               Winning a really competitive game.               Making chocolate chip cookies.        Having your friends send you homemade cookies.               Spending time with close friends.     Seeing smiles and hearing laughter from your friends.       Holding hands with someone you care about.       Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (goood or bad) never change.      Watching the expression on someone's face as they open a much desired present from you.               Watching the sunrise.               Getting out of bed every morning and thanking God for another beautiful day.   On The Fun Side Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in a wallet of every spouse or significant other.   DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?  SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?  SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner? DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT? SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown. SAFEST: Wow! Look at you! DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about? SAFER: Could we be overreacting? SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars. DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that? SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left. SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that? DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day? SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo today. SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.     Coincidence?! << Have a history teacher explain this ---- If they can? Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946. Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860. John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960. The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters. Both were particularly concerned with civil rights. Both wives lost their children while living in the White House. Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both Presidents were shot in the head. Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy. Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln. Both were assassinated by Southerners. Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson. Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808. Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908. John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839. Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939. Both assassins were known by their three names. Both names are composed of fifteen letters. Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.' Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln.' Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse. Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater. Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials. And here's the kicker. A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland. A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.   Every Woman    A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE a set of screwdrivers,A cordless drill, and a black lace bra...   A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE  one friend who always laughs with her....and one who lets her cry... A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE  a good piece of furniture  not previously owned by  anyone else in her family... A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE  eight matching plates , wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored..   A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE a feeling of control over her destiny..   EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... how to fall in love without losing herself... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... HOW TO QUIT A JOB,  BREAK UP WITH A LOVER,  AND CONFRONT A FRIEND  WITHOUT RUINING THE FRIENDSHIP.. EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... when to try harder... and   WHEN TO WALK AWAY...   EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW..   that she can't change the  length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... that her childhood may not have been perfect...but its over...     EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...   what she would and wouldn't do for love or more... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...  how to live alone... even if  she doesn't like it... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... whom she can trust and whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally...   EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...  where to go...be it to her best friend's kitchen table... or a charming inn in the woods...when her soul needs soothing... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...  what she can and can't  accomplish in a day ...a month...and a year..     The Facts Of Life * The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. * If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. * Money can't buy happiness...But it sure makes misery easier to live with. * Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're OK, you're it. * Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. * A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. * It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. * Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn. * If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live. * The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was. * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. * Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor. * Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too. * A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way. * Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them. * Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed   FROM MARY ON THE WAY TO GRANDMAS PONDER THIS....... IN THE SPIRIT OF THANKSGIVING...... YOUR BLESSED IF................... If you woke up this morning with more health than illness...you are more blessed than the million who will not survive this week. If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation .. you are ahead of 500 million people in the world. If you can attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest, torture, or death...you are more blessed than three billion people in the world who cannot. If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep...you are richer than 75% of this world. If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace...you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy. If your parents are still alive and still married...you are very rare, even in the United States. If you hold up your head with a smile on your face and are truly thankful...you are blessed because the majority can, but most do not. If you can hold someone's hand, hug them or even touch them on the shoulder...you are blessed because you can offer a healing touch. If you can read this message, you just received a double blessing in that someone was thinking of you, and furthermore, you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world that cannot read at all. Have a good day, count your blessings, and pass this along to remind everyone else how blessed we all are.   MOMS LIST TO SANTA A MESSAGE OF LAUGHTER AND INSPIRATION ********************************************** Dear Santa, I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two children on demand. Visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun. I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the Laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years. Here are my Christmas wishes: I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of chasing kids (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy. If you're hauling big ticket items this year, I'd like a car with fingerprint resistant windows, and a radio that only plays adult music; A television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals, and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone. On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't fight, and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools. I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother", because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog. And please don't forget the Play-doh Travel Pak, the hottest stocking stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet making the In-law's house seem just like mine. If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container.   If you don't mind I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family; or if my toddler didn't look so cute sneaking downstairs to eat contraband ice cream in his pajamas at midnight. Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back. Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the chimney and come in and dry off by the fire so you don't catch cold. Help yourself to cookies on the table, but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet. Yours always.....Mom PS: One more thing...you can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children young enough to believe in Santa. **********************************************   Bras A man walks into the women's section of a department store and tells the salesclerk he wants to buy a bra for his wife. "What type of bra?" asked the clerk. "Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?" "There are three types," replies the clerk, "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?" Still confused, the man asks "What is the difference between them?" The clerk responds, "It is really very easy. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."   IM 67 AND I REMEMBER ALL THESE THINGS- HOW ABOUT YOU? Thoughts from the past... If you are old enough... take this stroll... Close your eyes. Go back... before the Internet ... Before semi-automatics and drugs... before SEGA or Super Nintendo... Way back... We're talking 'bout hide and go seek at dusk. Sitting on the porch, Simon Says, Kick the Can, Red Light, Green Light. Lunch Boxes with a Thermos... that broke, Chocolate milk, going home for lunch, Penny Candy from the store, Hopscotch, butterscotch, skates with keys, Jacks, Mother May I? Hula Hoops, and Sunflower seeds, Whist and Old Maid and Crazy Eights, Wax lips and mustaches, Mary Jane's, saddle shoes and Coke bottles with the names of cities on the bottom, Running through the sprinkler, circle pins, bobby pins, MickeyMouse Club, Crusader Rabbit, Rocky & Bullwinkle, Fran & Ollie, Spin & Marty...all in black & white. When around the corner seemed far away, and going downtown seemed like going somewhere. Bedtime, climbing trees, making forts in the backyard... A coaster made from orange crates and an old skate, Backyard Shows, Lemonade stands, Cops and Robbers, Cowboys and Indians, Sitting on the curb, Staring at clouds, Jumping down the steps, Jumping on the bed. Pillow fights, "company," Ribbon candy, angel hair on the Christmas tree, Jackie Gleason as "the Poor Soul," white gloves, walking to church, walking to the Community Center, Being tickled "to death", Running till you were out of breath, Laughing so hard that your stomach hurt, Being tired from playin'...Remember that? Not stepping on a crack...or you'll break your mother's back... Paper chains at Christmas, bobbing for apples and popcorn balls on Halloween, silhouettes of Lincoln and Washington...the smell of paste, book bags and Evening in Paris... What about the girl that had the big bubbly handwriting...who dotted her "I's" with hearts?? The Stroll, "fruit loops" on the backs of shirts & sock hops. Remember when... When there were two types of sneakers for girls and boys (Keds and PF Flyers) and the only time you wore them at school, was for "gym." And the girls had those ugly uniforms. When it took five minutes for the TV to warm up. When nearly everyone's Mom was at home when the kids got home from school. When nobody owned a pure bred dog. When a quarter was a decent allowance and another quarter a huge bonus. When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny. When girls neither dated nor kissed until late high school, if then. When your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces. When all of your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair done everyday and wore high heels. When you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking, for free, every time. And, you didn't pay for air. And, you got trading stamps to boot. When laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes, or towels hidden inside the box. When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him or use him to carry groceries, and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it. When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents. When they threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed... and did. When the worst thing you could do at school was flunk a test or chew gum. And the prom was in the auditorium and we danced to an orchestra, and all the girls wore pastel gowns and the boys wore suits for the first time and we stayed out all night. When a '57 Chevy was everyone's dream car... to cruise, peel out, lay rubber or watch submarine races, and people went steady and girls wore a class ring with an inch of wrapped dental floss coated with pastel frost nail polish so it would fit her finger. And no one ever asked where the car keys were, 'cause they were always in the car, in the ignition and the doors were never locked. And you got in big trouble if you accidentally locked the doors at home. No one ever had a key. And lying on your back on the grass with your friends and saying things like, "That cloud looks like a ........". And playing baseball with no adults to help kids with the rules of the game. Then...baseball was not a psychological group learning experience......it was a game. Remember when stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals, 'cause no one had yet to poison a perfect stranger. And... with all our progress... don't you just wish...just once...you could slip back in time and savor the slower pace ... and share it with the children of 2000 +2001 So send this on to someone who can still remember Nancy Drew, The Hardy Boys, Trixie Belden, Laurel & Hardy, Howdy Doody and the Peanut Gallery, The Lone Ranger, The Shadow knows...Nellie Belle, Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk...as well as the sound of a reel mower on Saturday morning, and summers filled with bike rides, playing in Cowboy land, baseball games, bowling and visits to the pool...and eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar. When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving student at home. Basically, we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc.. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat, And, we all survived because their love was greater than the threat. Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, "Yeah, I remember that"? Happy New Year!!!   TRUE SAYINGS FOUND ON REAL PRODUCTS: On instructions for a hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.    On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner!  No purchase necessary.  Details inside.    On a bar of Dial bath bar: Directions: Use like regular soap.    On a frozen dinner package: Serving suggestion: Defrost.    On a hotel-provided shower cap box: Fits one head.    On Tesco's Tirimisu dessert: Do not turn upside down (Printed on the bottom of the box)    On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.    On packaging from a Rowenta Iron. Do not iron clothes on body.    On Boot's children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.    On a bottle of Nytol (a sleeping aid): Warning: May cause drowsiness.    On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: Keep out of children.    On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.    On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: Contains nuts.    On an American Airlines package of nuts: Instructions: Open package, eat nuts.   On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.    On a package of Sunmaid raisins: Why not try tossing over your favorite breakfast cereal?   FOR ALL YOU COMPUTER BUFFS.................... Dr. Seuss Explains Why Computers Crash If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet has an error to report. If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, And your data is corrupted because the index doesn't hash, Then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash! If the label on the cable on the table at your house, Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, But your packet wants to tunnel onto another protocol, That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, And your screen is all distorted by the side effect of gauss, So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the program's gonna hang! When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk, Then you'll have to flash your memory, and you'll want to RAM your ROM, Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom     DUMB BLOND JOKES( no offense intended ) There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note: "I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 AM. Signed, The Blonde." She pinned the note inside the boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Also inside the bag was the following note... "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A blonde is terribly overweight. So her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, then repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds." When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nods. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" "No, from skipping." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal." "That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "If only I can sell the car." "Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore." The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?" "No," replied the blonde. "Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ So there's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo," she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river, then down the river, then shouts back, "You are on the other side." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two blondes were walking through the woods and came upon a set of tracks. One blonde said that they were deer tracks. The other blonde said they were moose tracks. They were still arguing when the train hit 'em. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." "Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to your other ear?" "The jerk called back!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A blonde was driving home after a game, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents. So the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard and all the dents would pop out. So the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are ;you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her blonde roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first!"       :-) CHILDREN :-( For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious. For those who have children this age, this is not funny. For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.   The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas. THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN...(HONEST AND NO KIDDING): 1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep. 2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 3. A 3 year olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room. 5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. 6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. 7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late. 8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. 9. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day. 10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old. 11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence. 12. Super glue is forever. 13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. 14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O. 15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. 16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. 18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is. 19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens. 20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5 minute response time. 21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. 22. It will however make cats dizzy. 23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. ============================================== ===================== The mind of a six year old is wonderful. First Grade.....true story. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw   and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy Shit!! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.       SLOGANS and HEADLINES ****** THE MEDICINE OF LAUGHTER AND INSPIRATION "There's no fun in medicine, but there's a lot of medicine in fun." ~ Anonymous **********************************************   "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!" "Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam" (seen on Cape Cod) "That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" (seen on an 8 year old) "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up "Party - My Crib - Two A.M." (on a baby-size shirt) "Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since 15" "ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING" "West Virginia: One Million People, and 15 last names" "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software" "I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN" "A hangover is the wrath of grapes" "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance" "They call it "PMS" because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken" "He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead" "The trouble with life is there's no background music." "MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT Aint that the truth! ;-)     Can you relate to this?? Oh, yes, Oh yes, A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude, the young man said to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20, on one condition." Flabbergasted, the woman asked, "What is the condition?" The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The woman considered his proposition for a moment, reached into her purse and slowly counted out four $5 bills, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, meaningfully said... "Clean my house."     A Few things To Ponder: Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack? Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts", and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist? Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me . . they're cramming for their final exam. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks? Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail? If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. No one ever says, "It's only a game", when their team is winning. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? Whatever happened to Preparations A through G? JUST WONDERING???? THANKS TO GEORGE CARLING     FRUIT CAKE RECIPE One Cup Water One Cup Sugar Four Large Eggs Two Cups of Dried Fruit One Teaspoon of Baking Soda One Teaspoon of Salt One Cup of Brown Sugar Lemon Juice Nuts One Bottle of Whiskey (High Quality) Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and check in the cup of drier fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of sale, or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey again and go to bed.     This was written by a black guy in Texas...... .so funny..... When I born, I black. When I grow up, I black. When I go in sun, I black. When I cold, I black. When I scared, I black. When I sick, I black. And when I die, I still black. You white folks...... When you born, you pink. When you grow up, you white. When you go in sun, you red. When you cold, you blue. When you scared, you yellow. When you sick, you green. When you bruised, you purple. And when you die, you gray. So who you callin' colored   If I were ol'Santa, you know what I'd do I'd dump silly gifts that are given to you, And deliver some things just inside your front door Things you have lost, but treasured before, I'd give you back all your maidenly vigor, and to go along with it, a neat tiny figure. Then restore the old color that once graced your hair, before rinses and bleaches took residence there. I'd bring back the shape with which you were gifted, so things now suspended need not be uplifted. I'd draw in your tummy and smooth down your back, till you'd be a dream in those tight fitting slacks. I'd remove all your wrinkles and leave only one chin, So you wouldn't spend hours rubbing grease on your skin. You'd never have flashes or queer dizzy spells and you wouldn't hear noises like ringing of bells. No sore aching feet and no corns on your toes, no searching for spectacles when they're right! on your  nose. Not a shot would you take in your arm, hip or fanny from a doctor who thinks you're a nervous old granny. You'd never have a headache, so no pills would you take, and noheating pad needed since your muscles won't ache. Yes, if I were Santa, you'd never look stupid You'd be a cute little chick with the romance of a cupid. I'd give a lift to your heart when those wolves start to whistle and the joys of your heart would be light as a thistle. But alas!  I'm not Santa.  I'm simply just me --- the matronliest of matrons you ever did see. I wish I could tell you all the symptoms I've got But I'm due at my doctor's for an estrogen shot. Even though we've grown older this wish is sincere.    Merry Christmas to you and a Happy New Year.   I HOPE YOU ENJOYED YOURSELF ..PLEASE CLICK ON THE LINK BELOW FOR MORE OF THE SAME AND TELL YOUR FRIENDS

May the LORD JESUS Bless you with a life filled with Laughter and Joy.......MARY